Hello Whole30! Goodbye Happiness!

by Marinka on January 9, 2017

I have wonderful news. For my enemies, that is.

Today, I am starting the Whole30 Program.

You probably heard about it, but if you haven’t, it’s a gateway to happiness and a “reset” to eating habits. Since I’m almost 50, I suspect that reincarnation would be easier at this point, but I forgot to convert to Buddhism, or whatever religion it is that reincarnates you, and besides, I bought the Whole30 book, so I’m in!

Actually I bought the book last January in anticipation of a new me in 2016! And then I thought, “well, I have to digest [haha, I laughed to myself] the book to understand it, to REALLY understand it and then I have to study the recipes and then I have to research full body transplants and then I have to make sure that a fascist asshole doesn’t become our President-Elect, and then I have to prepare a meal plan and then I have to shop for ingredients and then-” Well, things didn’t go as I had hoped. Although every day I way up grateful that we are spared the dangers of Hillary’s private server emails! I mean, who wants a President whose emails the Russians can’t hack! Not me, comrade!

Back to me and my Whole30 diet.
It starts today.
Here is a list of what I can’t have: grains, legumes, dairy, sugar, alcohol.
Here is a list of what I can have: stuff that isn’t grains, legumes dairy, sugar, alcohol.

The Guy I Went to Ireland With is doing this plan with me, and last night we tearfully admitted to each other that we don’t know what “legumes” are. Don’t worry, I’ve since looked it up. But haven’t told him. Yet.

So, please wish me luck and maybe send a few gifts. Non-edible, preferably. Can’t go wrong with jewelry.

I plan on writing about my brave and selfless journey for the next thirty days and then I will take you along with me as my modeling career takes off on day thirty one.

Oh, and since no Whole 30 post is complete without a food reference, last night I made chicken and kale in a crockpot and now my kitchen smells like death. Also, I’m having coffee without milk. It’s entirely possible that I will be canonized before too long.

One year ago ...

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{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }

suburbancorrespondent
Twitter:
January 10, 2017 at 10:57 pm

Just because the country has elected a traitorous narcissist to be President, Marinka, doesn’t mean that you should punish yourself. No one blames you. Here, have some candy. How else are you going to get through next Friday?

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magpie January 12, 2017 at 2:02 pm

I guess you don’t want to go out for a 3 martini lunch, then.

Reply

Deb January 19, 2017 at 10:18 am

You are so funny and I really enjoy reading your posts. Happy New Year. 🙂

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Mary Clare March 22, 2017 at 3:03 pm

How’d the Whole 30 thing work out? I’m on day 3. Those carbs are looking pretty good right now!

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