From the monthly archives:

November 2008

Days of Whine and Roses

by Marinka on November 29, 2008

Over Thanksgiving Weekend, after I finished the book I’d been reading and was reduced to leafing through my mother’s back issues of “Better Home and Gardens” and studying their suggestions for how to build a better cheese ball (hint: half a cup of butter for every pound and a half to two pounds of cheese), mama asked me if my daughter ever asked me anything about alcohol.
“Like what?” I asked.
“She told me that she thinks that you’re an alcoholic,” she said.
“Really?” I put the magazine down, but only after turning down the corner of the cheese ball page.

I have been super sensitive about drinking lately because I read an article in a magazine about whether it’s ok to drink in front of the kids or whether it’s best not to. The article said that while it’s ok to have an occasional glass of wine, the kids should also see you not having wine so that they can see that mom and dad can have fun without alcohol. I am really hoping that the first few hours of the morning count towards this alcohol-free fun time.

But I’ve been following the magazine’s advice, because I need all the help I can get and God knows they wouldn’t steer me wrong. Unfortunately, I chose Thanksgiving dinner as the time to show to my kids that I can have fun without alcohol. Looking back on it, I should have chosen a less stressful time to demonstrate this wine-less happiness to my kids, like for example, Armageddon. (Just kidding, our Thanksgiving was lovely and delicious.)

But I’m not sure that the kids noticed that I wasn’t drinking.
What the fuck? What is the purpose of my doing Thanksgiving sober if I’m not getting credit for it.
“Ask me if I want some wine,” I whispered to Husbandrinka.
“I know you’re not having any,” he said.
“,” I spoke through my teeth.
“What for?” He asked.
“For the sake of our children!”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” he ended our conversation. As a matter of fact, that’s frequently how he ends our conversations. (Note to self: future blog post about better conversation enders).

I was on my own.
“I’m so happy to spend this Thanksgiving with all of you!” I raised my water glass in a toast. “Although it is customary to toast with wine, today I am toasting you with water. Because water is very delicious too and very…hydrating. And I am having fun! A lot of fun!”
Everyone was busy chewing but I think someone nodded. Or maybe they were gnawing at a bone or something.
Clearly I paid my non-wine drinking dues.

So when mama mentioned that my daughter was concerned about my drinking, my ears perked up.
“What did she say?” I asked.
“Oh, just that you have wine with dinner sometimes,” she said. “But I know she’s worried about alcoholism.”
“Really? She just came out and said that?”
“Yes, she’s worried.”
“What were you talking about before she said that?”
“I don’t remember.”
“You remember everything, like an elephant.”
“Oh, I think I asked her if you ever have wine and she said, ‘yes, at dinner sometimes.'”

Sometimes I think that I don’t drink enough.


Sometimes God gives you a sign.

A few days ago I got my second ever solicitation to do a review on my blog. Of sex toys. I don’t know what it is about my blog that would make someone think that I would do something like that–I mean, I don’t even blog about sex, with the possible exception of Porn Sunday, Orgy Tuesday and Bestiality Friday. I emailed the person back to ask how it would work, hoping that they would appreciate a mildly amusing post about the “fleshlight”, but apparently, they want me to test out something from the stock and then review it and would I also consider something from the couple’s section. You know, because by reading my blog they know that Husbandrinka is an avid fan and wants to have as much of his life broadcast on the internet as possible.

So, I was sort of toying with it. But it’s just not me. And I don’t think that I could ever look you guys in the eye again if I did a lot of “I give this three moans out of five”. So I was leaning against it until I got a real sign.

At Thanksgiving dinner, I figured out that my father reads my blog. My first clue was that he said, “I read your blog. I don’t like it, it’s very superficial.”

How sharper than a serpent’s tooth it is to have a father who doesn’t appreciate lighthearted blog banter. So I did what any normal person would do. I told him that I was banning him from my blog.
He wanted to know what that even meant. Remember, he lived in the former Soviet Union until he was in his 30s, so I had a lot of Gulog inspired images in my corner.
“It means that you are not welcome to read it anymore,” I declared.
“I can read it if I want to,” he said. “It’s on the internet.”
“Not if you have honor!” I may have jutted my index finger out in the international “honor” symbol.
He agreed. Because, well, wine was involved.

Then my mother chimed in. “I don’t understand why you would post a blog where everyone could see your deepest thoughts.”
“I don’t really have deep thoughts,” I reassured her.
“Still, aren’t you worried that people are reading it and masturbating? The internet is so anonymous.”

I can’t decide whether my mother assumes that I write a lot of erotica or that she just thinks that most of the people reading blogs keep their hand in their pants for most of the day, but I think that signs against reviewing sex toys don’t get much clearer, do you?


I’m a Moody Blogger

November 27, 2008

Today is Thanksgiving and the list of the things that I am thankful for goes on and on and is a real snooze to read. You know, the usual. Tivo, potato chips, the Brangelina-Anniston drama. I’m not good at the topical holiday posts. I’m a moody blogger and today I’m in the mood to tell […]

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Other People’s Children

November 25, 2008

Ok, I know that many of us here are parents, but can I just get something off my chest? Other people’s children? Fucking annoying. Except for yours, of course. I adore your kids. I have an acquaintance and every time we speak on the phone she lets me “talk” to her howevermanymonthold. I have no […]

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November 24, 2008

Many of you know about my friend John. We met at work, but I also love him. As a matter of fact, I think that if I were single, and he were heterosexual, and earned more money, and had a better personality, I would marry him. The marriage would really be helped along if he […]

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Guess What?

November 24, 2008

Today I am guest blogging at The Norwindians because apparently it’s been like twelve minutes since Kirsten’s last break and she’s on another vacation. Nice, right? You may know Kirsten as Mama Ginger Tree, but she started a new blog, The Norwindians, which is a combination of her Norwegian heritage and her husband’s East Indian […]

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Parenting advice

November 22, 2008

Is it me, or does most advice for parents in today’s magazines come from a parallel universe? Because I can’t relate to it at all and I’m sick of feeling like I’m the freak here. When my kids were younger, I read a horrifying “Q&A” about what to do if your kids walk into your […]

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Back to the Future

November 21, 2008

Yesterday, I went to see a doctor.  He was very nice, but I’m still blogging about it. Because of what he said.  I went to see the doctor because the day before I hurt my back by sitting at my desk and blinking, apparently. Or maybe thinking. I don’t know. Whatever it was, one moment […]

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