From the monthly archives:

December 2013

Phone Fun

by Marinka on December 19, 2013

I called my son yesterday.

“Hello?” he said when he picked up.

“Hi honey, how was your da-”

“Let me interrupt you,” he interrupted me. “Because I am not here right now, so leave a message.”

“Cut it out,” I said.

And then I heard the beep.

Because that was his outgoing voicemail message.

“OMFG,” I said, but after I hung up, because I don’t need to leave THAT voicemail for him.

“You won’t believe my kid’s voicemail message,” I told my colleague and before she had a chance to dash out, I said, “here let me show you!”

And I re-dialed his number.

“What?” he picked up the phone.

“Don’t pick up,” I said. “I want to play your outgoing message for someone.”

“I’m going to pick up every time,” he said. Twelve is a fun, cooperative age.

“Just don’t,” I said. “Come on.” You give them life and then they repay you with this nonsense.

“I will,” he insisted. “You will never hear my message again.”

“Grr,” I said.

“I got to go,” he said.

I sat at my desk, despondent.

My colleague, seeing me in the depths of depression, came to the rescue. I mean, obviously she was really motivated by wanting to hear this message.

“You can use Slydial to go directly to voicemail,” she told me.

“Slydial?” I cocked my head adorably to the side.

“Yeah,” she Googled it and suddenly I had all the answers.

You dial this number, listen to some pre-recorded crap and hailing Satan or something and then dial the number you are calling. And I did. And was magically transported to voicemail.

Obviously I left a loving message which may or may not have included terms like “in your face!” and “ha!” and “your voicemail is my beeyotch!” Or at least two of the three.

“How did you do that?” he eventually asked me.

“Mother’s magic,” I replied, smiling wisely, even though he couldn’t see me over the phone.

“Whatever,” he said, obviously intrigued.

But this program is life-changing. Basically it means that I never have to talk to anyone on the phone ever again. And this holiday season, isn’t that the most important thing?

Slydial: Because why talk when you can leave a message.

This is not a sponsored post. But totally should be.


The Other Gift Buying Guide

by Marinka on December 14, 2013

I’ve been doing most of my holiday shopping online this year and although Amazon is my all-time favorite go-to source for all things giftable, I thought it would be fun to expand my horizons a bit to see how the other 1% lives.  (Btw, the above link to Amazon is an affiliate link, which means if you click on it and make any purchase on Amazon, I will get a percentage of the purchase price. It’s a really tiny percentage, so I recommend you buy a yacht or two. Hey, summer’s coming!)

But not until we get through the winter. And we know it’s winter because last weekend, my son made this snowball and it’s been in our freezer ever since. We take it out on special occasions, like to put on our tree for that festive snowball in the Christmas tree feeling.


Actually I only staged it on the Christmas tree because when I first photographed it in a bowl, I became concerned that the DEA would think that I’m making crack cocaine at home. I’m pretty sure that people who make crack cocaine don’t put it on their tree, so I have a solid alibi.

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Here are some ideas for holiday gifts.

For the person who loves black ostrich feathers, even though Jesus and Santa were both white:

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A black ostrich feather. This is for that friend that’s always saying things like “Now where did I put my ostrich feather? I swear I had it somewhere and now I can’t find it! Maybe I’m confused and I never had one to begin with? Hmmm…an ostrich feather would be so great to have!”

And it’s only $75, which is less than, say, $76. And a lot of other numbers that are greater than 75.

For your favorite gynecologist/dismemberment expert, how about this pair of brass legs?

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At $185 (for both!) it’s just a smidge over what you’d pay for two ostrich feathers. Hurry before this deal runs away!

Have a Lady Macbeth-type/OCD person in your life? Well, don’t just sit there. FUCK WITH THEM.

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At a mere $85, this Drip Tease Mug Set will pay for itself in joy and merriment.

Want a fun gift for someone who needs a good cleanse?

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Read. The. Reviews.

Thinking of way to say Happy Holidays! to one of our men or women in uniform on your list?

How about this Michael Kors camouflage mink fur set!

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It’s like over $2000, which is expensive, but it’s mink and it’s camouflaged, so you’re saving a lot on having to get a costume for the mink come Halloween. This is called thinking ahead.

And check this out for more great gift ideas! Really. That link is my gift to you.

So here are some ideas to get you started! Let me know if you find any good deals, I’m always on the lookout. And obviously don’t forget to add that special cookie scent to your order so that the recipient knows you’re not a fucking animal.

Happy Shopping!



December 12, 2013

Like most other people who are not complete America-loathing heathens, I’ve been doing some holiday shopping recently. My 12 year old son gave me a multi-volume wish list with annotations like “see me before ordering”. My 15 year old daughter has given me very little guidance, but I am not discouraged. I mean, I was […]

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December 8, 2013

A few weeks ago I had one of the worst massages of my life. I’m sorry that I can’t pronounce it outright the worst, but over the years there has been stiff competition.  Like the time a swanky spa asked me if I preferred a male or female therapist and once I expressed a preference […]

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