So here’s my dilemma. On the one hand, I’m really, really sick of these We Weekly recaps and every week they hang like the Sword of Damocles over my heard. On the other hand, I invested in this here fancy We Weekly button, and gosh darnit, I’m going to get my money’s worth.
Ooh! Nice button!
The only solution is to get someone to do the recaps for me. At least once in a while.
I sent out an SOS for someone to save me from, uh, I mean, help me out with writing this week’s WE Weekly Chat, and just three short days laters, I got a response. But what a response! It was from long-time reader Peajaye and I knew he’d be the perfect guest host because he: a) worked for Warner Bros. for over 10 years; b) used to be an award-winning independent filmmaker; c) was (is) gay and bitter; and d) was the only one stupid enough to take me up on my offer.
So without further delay, here’s his WE Weekly offering:
Oddly enough, I was on a treadmill at my Hollywood gym when I saw Marinka’s Twitter plea for someone to write about glamorous Hollywood. It felt like a sign, so I answered.
After a few bi-coastal email exchanges with Marinka I understood that the first thing I needed to do was to get this week’s issue of US Weekly ASAP. Ha! How easy would that be in Hollywood? Turns out Not Very.
The first place I went to was the liquor store by gym: Playboy, Penthouse and People but no US Weekly. When I asked, the clerk gave me that we-don’t-carry-that-faggoty-shit grunt.
So the second place I went was to Blockbuster Video, where the clerk pronounced it U.S. Weekly (just like U.S. News & World Report). But they had only issues from April and May, which made the clerk wonder aloud if it was a monthly magazine. (It’s called US WEEKLY, I reminded him.)
Onto the Vons supermarket where that clerk informed me that Thursday was magazine restock day, not Wednesday. So I emailed Marinka for US Weekly procurement guidance. She insisted that Wednesday was the day, even in L.A.meland. I stopped at Gelsons, a highbrow supermarket (read: no homeless people begging for money outside, only annoying political activists begging for money outside) near my home in Silver Lake.
Now, there were many shocking things on this cover of US Weekly, the most being the $3.95 price, which is the cost of a box of Dove chocolate ice cream bars. Clearly, this was going to be an assignment of sacrifice. But I was ready, because Jennifer Anniston was on the cover, smiling slyly at me. The bold yellow headline boomed: HOW JEN STOLE HER MAN. Immediately I wondered if she had also stolen the other copies of US Weekly so that people in Hollywood couldn’t read about her scandal. Probably not, but still, she had pulled an Angelina – i.e., stole another woman’s man. This new man is Justin Theroux, and I’m not sure which Justin this is, but he looks like the son of Tom Hanks and Charles Manson. And Jen’s smile looks naughty. Plus there were sub-headline promises: They had matching rings! (nose? toe? cock?) The story looked juicy.
Also on the cover were three side boxes promising other dish, but I didn’t really care, because if those celebs were really Important, they wouldn’t have been exiled to those side-boxes. I opened up the mag as quickly as I could.
Red Carpet – Sexy White Style – 6 beautiful celebs looking great in white – But I’m worried because one of them is Weight-Watchers star J-Hud, who’s looking a little too thin and RuPaul-esque now. Emma Watson is also here, and even though all 6 gals are shot by themselves, I’m worried from last week that the young, beautiful, rich, talented Emma still can’t find a date, because, who would want to date that?
Next is Red Carpet – Who Wore It Best? I went to Catholic school, so seeing different girls in the same outfit – what’s the biggie? However, they (and by “they” I mean “US”) asked 100 people in NYC’s Rockefeller Center this pressing who-wore-it-best question, and I find myself wondering, “Hey, doesn’t Marinka live near there? Did they ask HER? And if they didn’t, is that why she’s mad at US Weekly and doesn’t want to write the recap? Whatev’.” Onto the next story.
Loose Talk – What The Stars Said This Week. If you think your significant other says idiotic things, just read this page and you will thank God that you don’t have to listen to these “stars” after coming home from a hard day’s work. And your children’s babble will also seem more intelligent when compared to: “Honestly, those chairs looked really cool. I was like, Man, I get to sit in that chair and it spins?… I’m in!” (Blake Shelton) Thanks US Weekly!
Next up: Hef’s Bride Bails – It turns out that Hugh Hefner’s runaway bride was probably cheating with Dr. Phil’s son. Now there’s an Oprah I would have liked to have seen.
On the next page is a Wish List Quiz – Just in case you want to buy rich, entitled celebrities wedding presents that they don’t need and can afford themselves, US is there to help you.
25 Things You Don’t Know About Me – Chris Klein – aka, the once-cute Keanu Reeves look-alike from American Pie. #24 – He cleans his feet before he puts socks on! News you can use.
Look-alike of the Week! – Yes, in a magazine overflowing with identical, too-thin blondes, they actually have a section where they single two of them out for looking alike. This week it’s Hilly Duff and Natasha Bedingfield!
In the Hot Pics! section, they show two boyish, shirtless guys – one with a little bit of a spare tire – with the headline “Buff Beach Boys!” – clearly not written by a gay man.
Father’s Day Festivities – Rich, handsome and talented Neil Patrick Harris and his handsome and talented partner walk down the street with their “fantastic!” twins – and I hate all of them.
Hollywood’s Hot Handbags! – Looks like an ad to me – with the names of the bags and their prices and descriptions. But no, it’s just more of the New Journalism.
Stars – They’re Just Like Us! – Sorry Marinka, no parking meters being fed this week. But Ashley Judd uses a Porta-Potty! And… They Wait On Their Kids! Jason Bateman buckles his 4 year-old’s shoe. But is that really waiting on her? And do/should we all be waiting on our children like maids and butlers? Am I the only one troubled that if we’re all doing this, we might be raising a generation of helpless, demanding imbeciles? But instead of contemplating this, I turn the page.
And there’s a picture of Angelina Jolie looking into a jail cell full of refugee women, and the caption reads: “She was in a great mood.” Phew!
In the Sweet Talk section, there are more celeb quotes, this time about how wonderful their celebrity partners are – just in case you didn’t already lose your lunch over the “Loose Talk” quotes.
Blake Lively has been spending time at Leo DiCaprio’s house and visa-versa and they’re introducing each other to each other’s friends. And even though they’re dating, this is somehow shocking to US. I’m still trying to figure out why.
Finally, we get to How Jen Stole Her Man. Having forgotten the promise of the cover, I’m expecting a Lindsay Lohan type heist, but the article quickly turns into a mid-term exam, comparing and contrasting two historical events – the Brangelina hook-up vs. the current Justifer affair. They both have beards! (Brad and Justin, not Jen & Ang) They’re both party boys! They both have xy chromosomes! And Jen & Justin both wear watches! They both have exes! Really, the whole thing’s spooky.
Inside Bentely’s Return talks about the Bachelorette, and those guys all look alike to me, so I can’t really follow any of it. But I did see Ashley on Jay Leno when Larry David was on, ‘cause I’m a big Larry David fan, and she really held her own against Larry David, so I like her and hope it all works out – whatever it is.
In Summer Slimdown, there’s a picture of what I think is a Judd (Winona’s daughter, maybe?), but it turns out to be a before picture of Khloe Kardashian. Also turns out that if you improve your diet, eat less and exercise more, you can lose weight. The things I’m learning!
In Diva Demands, there’s another compare/contrast essay, this one with Xtina and JLo, but Xtina’s hair frightens me, so I turn the page.
More of Who Wore It Best, this time, the Duchess Edition – an excuse to get Kate and Pippa into the magazine. In one picture, there’s Madonna in the same dress as Kate. Except that Madonna looks like a vampire/80’s-business-woman, complete with one of those big pink bows around the necks, vertical pleats across the front, and padded shoulders. I really don’t miss the 80’s. Really. Thanks for reminding me, US!
Amber’s Cry For Help is about a Teen Mom “star” and I think the producers of those shows should be put in prison. So I turn the page very quickly this time. I have my blood pressure to consider afterall.
What’s In My Closet – Another shocker. RHONJ’s Melissa Gorga has clothes, shoes and handbags in hers. Oh, and I think I see her son hiding back there too.
Essential Summer Reads! – A blond actress in a pink bikini “reads” a book (Slave Hunter) on the beach, but her eyes are kinda closed. A woman who looks like Tina Fey (Whitney Port) reads Bossypants by Tina Fey.
3 Dress Trends To Try: Maxi! Above The Knee! Below The Knee! I guess “At The Knee” is no longer a trend.
Stay Safe In The Sun. Sure, this two-page spread looks like another ad from SkyMall, but I’m pretty sure it’s an article. There’s some vague talk about avoiding sunburn, but it’s more about the classifications of sunscreen: Glam! Sporty! Natural! And you know it’s scientific ‘cause there’s a picture a Kourtney Kardashian in a bikini.
In US Musts – the movie “Cars 2” gets only 2 out of 4 stars, so I feel like I’m getting mixed messages.
Towards the back of the magazine, there are what I think are real paid ads about trinkets and losing weight, and these thin women look a lot like all the other thin women in this magazine, but they’re not celebs, so we don’t care about their boyfriends or kids or parking meters.
Fashion Police takes up the last three pages, and it’s just crazy ladies wearing crazy outfits and snotty gays like me making snarky remarks about them. Although, in defense of Frances McDormand’s red & black striped gown with the denim jacket that she wore to the Tony’s – I really like the anti-fashion statement she was making. It’s like: I’m an actress, not some red carpet fashion whore, and you can’t bully me into dressing up, so there!
So that’s it. Frankly, I’m exhausted and I don’t know how any of you blog-moms-&-dads do it.
Oh, wait, one last thing. Conspicuous by its absence this week was a pregnant Kate Hudson. But don’t worry! I think she was in the Porta-Potty next to Ashley Judd reading my new children’s book, Under the Covers that’s available on Amazon.com and through my website.
One year ago ...
- They Must Be Giants - 2013