And, Scene

by Marinka on December 1, 2009

For some reason, I wrote this whole thing in the third person. As a compliment to Bossy, probably. Or maybe an impending nervous breakdown.

Scene: Saturday night.
Marinka decides to tweet some inspirational quotes on Twitter and bid all her Tweetfriends good night.

What’s this? No internet connection? Puzzling.

Husbandrinka takes charge of the situation. Marinka stands back, afraid, but hopeful.
Husbandrinka reports that Time Warner is doing some WiFi maintenance and that service will begin again in the morning.
Marinka is sad.
Shouldn’t they warn us about this maintenance in advance?
What kind of people just interrupt other people’s WiFi like that?
Is this Obama’s fault?
Marinka has no choice but to steal a neighbor’s WiFi.
Sorry, neighbor!


Now it’s Sunday afternoon and still no WiFi.
Marinka calls Time Warner. After a guided talking to, during which Marinka is encouraged to “reset” the modem by tapping it with something small and pointy, Time Warner lets her know that something is very wrong and that a technician will be there on Tuesday afternoon to fix it.
For a moment, Marinka can’t breathe, but when her heart restarts, she goes into full panic mode.
“It’s really important that someone come today!” Marinka pleads. “We cannot be without internet. My husband works from home and so do I. On the internet. And our children are home schooled. Using the internet.” (Ok, so I didn’t really say that about the kids. But to be fair, neither Husbandrinka nor I work from home, so the lies totally even out.)

The guy is sorry, and he tells Marinka that he doesn’t mean to be insensitive, but there is nothing that he can do.
Marinka reassures him that she doesn’t think that he is insensitive, but she would like to speak to his supervisor now. And possibly his parole officer.

After being on hold for about the amount of time that it would take the Time Warner guy to surf the internet, he comes back on the line and says that the supervisor said that they will put a request to the field office and that Marinka would hear back within two hours. Apparently, the request to the field office will be transmitted by Tom the Tortoise.

As a surprise to absolutely no one, Marinka gets a call that today is a no-go, but we’re set for Tuesday, between 2 and 6.

Marinka is sad.

Husbandrinka is fuming. Husbandrinka reminds Marinka that getting WiFi was Marinka’s idea. He was happy with high speed. But no. Marinka wanted wireless. What have wires ever done to Marinka?
(Of course because Husbandrinka is Man ‘o Few Words, he says none of these things, but Marinka knows that he’s thinking them, and more. Marinka is so angry at what Husbandrinka is thinking, she is not sure that she will ever forgive him.)

The rest of Sunday and Monday pass in a blur. Marinka eats. Marinka talks with the children. Pets Nicki. Watches “General Hospital”. But the bounce, she is no longer in Marinka’s step. Marinka is withering.

Finally, Tuesday arrives.
Marinka feels hope.
At 2 pm, Marinka is ready. Marinka is sitting in front of door, waiting for the repairman to come.
Uh-oh. Marinka has to pick up the kids at 4. What if the repairman comes then?
Silly, Marinka, don’t always think of the worst!
It’s 3 pm. Marinka calls Time Warner.
“Hello,” Marinka says. “I am calling to please confirm appointment.” Marinka sometimes speaks in accent to extract better service. I am immigrant, she is saying. I have traveled to your land, do not disappoint me.
“It looks like there is no appointment,” the man tells Marinka, totally disregarding the Ellis Island ambiance that Marinka has worked so hard to create.
“Oh, yes there was. I have an order number and everything!”
“No,” the guy reassured me. “It was for yesterday. Monday.”
“No,” Marinka says. “It was for today, Tuesday.”
After a few more rounds of this scintillating back and forth, Marinka has a Eureka moment.
“Wait a minute,” Marinka says. “No one came yesterday, either. I was home all day.”
“Let me check,” he said and then came back. “Yes, they could not come yesterday, so they had to reschedule for today.”
“So the appointment is for today? Tuesday?”
“But you said that it was for Monday.”
“It was for Monday.”
“But they are coming today?”
“They are coming today.”
“And today is Tuesday.”
“Yes. But the appointment was for Monday.”
Of course.
“We’ll call you soon to tell you when the technician will arrive.”

Half an hour later, they called to apologize. They are running late and instead of 2 to 6, they’ll be here closer to 8. They are sorry. Marinka is in a forgiving mood.

At 3:50, Marinka leaves to pick up her kids. How funny that there is a Time Warner repairfriend in the lobby of her building!
What? You’re here to repair our WiFi?
“Yes, I am,” repairfriend says.
And then he does.
Sure, Marinka is late to pick up her kids, but we all have our priorities.

One year ago ...

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{ 19 comments… read them below or add one }

Jeanne December 1, 2009 at 6:15 am

I often wonder: are TW maintenance appointments so random just because they can be? Or is TW engaged in a sinister plot to drive us insane, thus allowing them to float outrageous rate increases while we’re too dopey from the medication required to fight them?
.-= Jeanne´s last blog ..I’m Baaaack! =-.


Maureen@IslandRoar December 1, 2009 at 9:51 am

Oh, I felt Marinka’s pain!
.-= Maureen@IslandRoar´s last blog ..Spin Cycle: Holiday Newsletters =-.


December 1, 2009 at 10:34 am

“repairfriend” is just genius – so hilarious! This is so typical. Like the airlines. They have you by the b*lls, so customer service is defined as “at some point we will in all likelihood fix that for you” “if you are extremely lucky”
.-= amy2boys´s last blog ..The Seriously Belated Thanksgiving Post =-.


December 1, 2009 at 11:24 am

Reading this post made my blood pressure go up 10 points. And I don’t even have blood pressure.
.-= Vicki´s last blog ..Dr. Maina Singh and the Indian Jews of Israel =-.


Kabbalah Rookie December 1, 2009 at 11:26 am

So, Tom the Tortoise works for Time Warner too? He is either moonlighting or working double shifts…
Never mind the WiFi – I need an answer to how to remove stomach knots induced by laughter..


MarathonMom December 1, 2009 at 1:41 pm

I would have hauled ass over to Ellis island and used THEIR wifi. I believe Obama included that in one of his stimulus points of light.
.-= MarathonMom´s last blog ..Do you feel it too? =-.


Aunt Becky
December 1, 2009 at 2:03 pm


I nearly cried when I thought that maybe STILL had no Wi-Fi.
.-= Aunt Becky´s last blog ..Victory Tastes Like Bacon. Mmmmm Bacon. (etc) =-.


Maddnessofme December 1, 2009 at 3:28 pm

It’s like reading that there really is a Santa Claus! Thanks for renewing my faith in humanity.


Sprite's Keeper
December 1, 2009 at 3:57 pm

I loved every word of this. And the third person clinched it. I must now stalk you. In the blogosphere, of course.
.-= Sprite’s Keeper´s last blog ..RTT: Sometimes I.. =-.


Masala Chica
December 1, 2009 at 5:06 pm

Poor Marinka. This so so sad for person from foreign land. Love that! What a traumatic time for you. And tell husbandrinka that wires have been sent back to where they belong.


December 1, 2009 at 5:46 pm

Wendi thinks this was funny. But now Wendi feels weird talking in the third person, so Wendi will shut-up and go sleep in Wendi’s bed.


Heather, Queen of Shake Shake December 1, 2009 at 5:59 pm

And here I thought our communication was sketchy because I took my tinfoil hat off my head.
.-= Heather, Queen of Shake Shake´s last blog ..Good Mothers Dress Their Children Accordingly =-.


Janet December 1, 2009 at 7:58 pm

I can’t decide which is my favorite:
“Marinka is so angry at what Husbandrinka is thinking, she is not sure that she will ever forgive him,” or “I am immigrant, she is saying. I have traveled to your land, do not disappoint me.” This is definitely one of my favorite posts ever =)


tracey December 1, 2009 at 8:04 pm

Poor Marinka!
.-= tracey´s last blog ..Hope =-.


Petra aka The Wise (Young) Mommy December 1, 2009 at 8:38 pm

I feel your pain. We had a tree go down in our driveway, rudely taking down our cable line in the process and our internet was down for almost TWO DAYS!!!!!!! It was torture.
.-= Petra aka The Wise (Young) Mommy´s last blog ..The Real Sex and The Suburbs =-.


the mama bird diaries
December 1, 2009 at 9:40 pm

oh i love this. No Wifi is grounds to abandon your family and take up with a new man who has Wifi. Just so you know.


Jonathan December 1, 2009 at 9:45 pm

I didn’t think about that, breaking out the accent to get more results…Of course I would think that works better in person when you can become Hot Russian Woman


Cbellabell December 2, 2009 at 3:20 am

Sometimes I’m tempted to see what it’s like to go a week without wi-fi. Would I be a better parent? Would I not check facebook during dinner.

.-= Cbellabell´s last blog ..The New Lust =-.


Hoodchick December 2, 2009 at 8:44 pm

Fuckers! (sorry, channeling Janet Evanovich)


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