And so it begins

by Marinka on February 3, 2009

There are few things that flip me out more than parents talking about their prepubescent children in cutesy-pseudo-sexual terms.

“Agoo! Are you a cutie putie baby? Are you a heart breaker? Yes, you are! Yes, you’re going to have many, many boyfriends because you are such a looker, aren’t you? Ooh! Diaper change!”

“How was school, young lad?”
“Gweat.” (or if it’s young ladrinka, “bowing”.)
“Did you see your little girlfriend today?”
“I don’t have a giwwend”
“Ha ha! Of course you do! That little Avery minx! Maybe the two of you will get married.”

To me, it’s creepy. I think adults do it because they have nothing else to talk to kids about, so they sort of pass on their own dating dramas unto them. And you know what? That’s fucked up.

Or so I thought.

So, the other day, I was mid my morning routine, when the phone rang. It was the dad of one of the girls in my son’s class apologizing for calling so early but telling me that Jezebel is insisting on a playdate with young ladrinka. This was alarming because up until that point we’ve been following the normal 2nd grade protocol of gender segregation, which I was hoping would continue until after I’d been cremated and safely placed on the shelf.

“Sure,” I lied. “He’d love to.”
If you’re wondering why I lied, you’re obviously new to this blog, so welcome! To bring you up to date, I lie only when it’s easier than telling the truth. And sometimes just for the hell of it.

So we set up a playdate for the weekend. Which was convenient because I had beauty treatments scheduled, but was also inconvenient because young ladrinka said, in sum and substance, “fuck that shit,” except in much nicer, albeit less expressive terms. Irony.

But the playdate finally took place and he was smitten. Not so much with Jezebel, but with the cool gym in her building and her older brother’s toys.

Is that how it happens? They lure you with toys?

“I had fun, but I’m not marrying her,” he told me.

That’s right, young ladrinka. You’re not.

Reminder!

Scary Mommy, OHMommy, A Southern Fairy Tale and I are doing our first ever joint giveaway and it’s a doozy! Check out the EZ to Read and Understand Rulz here! Go and read so that you don’t fuck it up.

One year ago ...

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{ 18 comments… read them below or add one }

Auds at Barking Mad February 3, 2009 at 10:09 pm

It’s been forever since I’ve been out here and I’ve missed it.

I just about wet myself laughing at your comment over at 3boys1mommy’s place on her post about soda pop. That was one of the funniest things I’ve read in forever.

And yes…they lure you with toys…at least that’s how we did it back in the stone ages when I was a kid.

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silvergirl February 3, 2009 at 10:13 pm

Similarly, I am creeped out by little girls wearing string bikini tops at the beach, sexy little tops with teensy little triangle patches to cover their baby nipples. It’s so wrong!

Damn I wish I could wear those.

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Alex and Ashley February 3, 2009 at 11:00 pm

I’ve had mommies brag to be how many “boyfriends” their 5 year old girl has, like it was a status thing…

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one little simitopian February 3, 2009 at 11:10 pm

Ohhhhh I’m hearing you loud and clear.I’ve been practicing my menacing “I’m a mind-reading serial killer” face for that dreaded moment in the future when my daughter starts looking at boys in “that way”. Any potential boyfriends will be rapidly scared away.
P.s. I just noticed that my humble little blog has become one (of the many, but anyway..) that you follow! Nawwwww…. very flattering indeed! Thanks!

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Qweenie February 3, 2009 at 11:19 pm

I hate that shit! I absolutely hate those mothers who say “oh my little so and so would be perfect for your little so and so. Wouldn’t that be fun?”….Um no, thanks anyway…I mean WTF?

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Frau February 3, 2009 at 11:38 pm

your crack me up ! Thanks so much need great humor today!

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Kirsten February 3, 2009 at 11:47 pm

What do you have against that little Avery minx?

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heartatpreschool February 4, 2009 at 12:00 am

2nd grade? Really? I’ve only got two more years of bliss before I have to deal with that? Great.

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Kylie w Warszawie February 4, 2009 at 12:19 am

Hilarious! And I totally agree that it’s disturbing when parents/adults (how many times have I been told that my youngest child will be a heartbreaker?) talk like that.

My oldest son though has a super serious crush on a girl in his class. I have no idea how she lured him in. None whatsoever. It wasn’t toys. I think it’s her Latina hotheaded personality. In other words, she yells at him a lot.

Ah, she reminds him of me.

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Rosie&James February 4, 2009 at 12:52 am

I’m just trying to get past my mom trying to get hubbie and I to have kids “I got food poisoning and spent the day throwing up.” “Are you shure it’s not morning sickness that lasted all day? That would be great! Is it a boy or a girl?” Mom’s probably tired of my food babies.

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blognut February 4, 2009 at 2:23 am

Just wait until he starts bringing home notes from girls in his backpack. The Boy is in 3rd grade and I’m already dealing with that. Fortunately, he says he doesn’t like it; unfortunately, he saves the notes. (!!!)

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Belle February 4, 2009 at 4:08 am

My daughter knows that she can’t have a boyfriend until she is 30. You need to be firmer with your children Marinka!

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Jeanne February 4, 2009 at 4:21 am

My mom always had a rule: Never tell a lie when the truth makes a better story. Good luck with the gender segregation thing: I dealt with boys calling all the way through junior high and high school for my daughter, and she’s gay.

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Christy February 4, 2009 at 4:41 am

Yes, they do lure them with toys! Your post reminded me of that one Seinfeld episode where George and Jerry drug Jerry’s girl to go play with her classic toy collections.

And I totally agree – too much, too soon. I hate seeing tiny little girls wearing skimpy bathing suits in the summer too. ugh.

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SCREAMING FOR CHOCOLATE February 4, 2009 at 5:10 am

Kids just need to stay kids. Life comes at you fast enough….

Coco

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The Dental Maven February 4, 2009 at 5:17 am

The dad is clueless and doesn’t understand 2nd grade protocol.

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Tiffany @ Lattes And Life February 4, 2009 at 5:34 am

So with you on this one. A certain someone I know is famous for this crap. When my son was a baby, this someone talked about how he (my son) was flirting with our waitress…or looking at pretty girls. He even went so far as to talk about how our son and a friend’s daughter (two months apart) would probably end up “buddies” in their teens. It’s so gross!!!! Let them be babies for crying out loud!

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Deb February 4, 2009 at 5:45 am

When I was an early teen, one of my friends referred to her period as her “Jezebel”. So, I’m having a hard time seeing past that. I hope your son wasn’t playing with a period. That would be gross.

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