Candy Farm

by Marinka on May 5, 2013

Let me ask you this: If I were in a throes of a nervous breakdown, would you want to know?

If you’re a normal person, your instinct is probably to lie with a “of course! If you’re having a nervous breakdown, I care deeply and want to help!”

But really?


Like, what kind of a comment would you leave?

“ worked for Sylvia Plath, but maybe stay out of the kitchen!”?


And yet, I can’t lie to you.

And not just because I lack the creativity.

Unfortunately I am having a nervous breakdown. About a month ago, I started playing Candy Crush.

Oh, what’s that? You’re a well-adjusted, normal person and don’t know from Candy Crush?

It’s a ridiculous game that you play on your phone, your iPad, your computer, your instrument of Satan. The goal, and I’m using the word loosely, is to match the candy by color (I think that’s how segregation works, too) and then eliminate it. If you’re successful, you have a a Sugar Crush! and all the candy plummets to the bottom as a celebratory gesture and you advance to the next level and if you’re a failure, it doesn’t, and you have to repeat that level as your own personal myth of Sisyphus. By the way, don’t you think it would be a lot more fun if it were called the Myth of Syphilis? That way when the doctor tells you “you have syphilis” you can just say “that’s a myth!” and everyone would win. Except the syphilis drug manufacturers, but maybe those drugs can be taken recreationally? I’m not sure. There’s definitely a need for more research.

So, anyway, I’m playing Candy Crush and making fantastic progress. And then I run out of lives. And I’m all what the fuck? And it turns out that you have a limited number of lives, and after you run out you either have to ask your Facebook friends for more, or wait half an hour for a life to regenerate or pay cash money to buy more. So I send a couple of dozen requests to my Facebook friends, and then my lives are refilled and happiness is restored.

Until I get to a satanic level that I can’t clear. And that’s when I buy 5 extra moves for 99 cents. Because 99 cents is like nothing and I’ve been stuck on this level of Dante’s Circle of Hell for three days and at some point I have to get on with my life and say hello to the kids or something. So 99 cents for 5 extra moves that will allow me to move off this level is the bargain of the century. Really, I don’t know why they don’t charge $10. Come on – ten bucks to be happy? Who’s not in?

Except 99 cents and 5 moves later, I’m still stuck.

So I make another 99 cent purchase, and well, to make a long story slightly shorter, let’s just say that for less than a price of Starbucks latte (Venti, of course, with a couple of extra shots and maybe a raspberry scone and an-Every-Kiss-Begins-With-Kay-Open-Heart-That-Looks-Like-An-Ass-Jane-Seymour-Necklace), I progressed seamlessly to the next level.

My humiliation was complete.

Because not only was I playing a ridiculous computer game, with no purpose whatsoever, but now I was also paying for it.

And then things another turn.

I was chatting with Annie, who was several kazillion levels of Candy Crush ahead of me. Obviously I was hoping to use our friendship to a Candy Crush advantage, but Annie is very crafty because even though she’s a Candy Crush expert, every time I ask her a strategic question, she sort of kicks the dirt and does this whole “oh, shucks, I’m not sure” routine. Some people are so cut-throat.

I didn’t realize how cut-throat until she emailed me.

Can you play Farm Heroes Saga for me? She asked.

Fuck no, I answered.

Please? She asked. And then added: I have cancer.

Seriously, what kind of a person can say no to that?

So I started playing Farm Heroes Saga. Because I hate cancer.

And now instead of lining up candies, I am lining up “cropsies.” Which I think is what they call “crops” in the insane asylum. But it’s nice to have a break from Candy Crush because I was starting to develop low grade diabetes and now I’m in the fresh farm air.

Except I also ran out of lives in Farm Heroes Saga.

But the good news is that you can buy gold bars for only $1.


Honestly, I don’t know where else you can get a sweet deal like that.

Also, if you hear that any asylums have vacancies, let me know, will you? I’ll be waiting and packing my gold bars.

One year ago ...

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{ 23 comments… read them below or add one }

Susan Weinstein May 5, 2013 at 10:07 am

Want to play words with friends? You hold off
Alzheimer’s and cannot advance to levels.
I mean of the game. It is win lose and you can
Play free forever! Then why does addiction
Feel like a chain gang?


gorillabuns May 5, 2013 at 11:23 am

I swear I am going to shank my husband if he continues to advance ahead of me on Candy Crush. The game has started The War of the Roses in our house.


Jonathan May 5, 2013 at 12:14 pm

Thank you for letting me know about farm heroes because I am at the candy level of addiction where I am concerned I might spend my whole paycheck crushing candy!


May 5, 2013 at 1:36 pm

Thanks for the warning. These games all make me feel like a stupid, gullible lab rat madly rushing through mazes and pushing levers in order to get its piece of cheese. But that’s okay – I like cheese.


Awesome dude May 5, 2013 at 9:17 pm

I have told you many years ago that there is no better place on this planet then The Hebrew Home for the Aged in Riverdale.


Gdot May 6, 2013 at 7:45 am

Lately I’ve been saving my prayers for Li Loh
But since that’s about as much of a waste of time as candy crush….I’m going full Dr Drew for you
Don’t think of it as an intervention,but more of a chance to mingle with some D list stars.


May 6, 2013 at 8:13 am

We have all become Candy Crush obsessed in my family.

On Saturday my mom called me (from the other side of the country) just to tell me to send her Candy Crush lives, and to tell me her quality of life would be better if I would play Pet Rescue Saga with her.


Jen Anderson
May 6, 2013 at 10:17 am

These games are like heroin. And just like with heroin, you can make new druggie friends. Each game has a forum where people can post questions, ask for tips and post requests for new friends who play the game. Those new friends will also try to get you to play their other games, but they’re easier to ignore because they’re just your new junkie friends.


Mexmom May 6, 2013 at 10:28 am

My brother has been threatening to send me to a Candy Crush Rehab Centre, and I am stick in a level as well and considering paying for the moves.


Carinn @welcometothemotherhood
May 6, 2013 at 10:35 am

Thank you for saving me from my own nervous breakdown because when someone has done it as well as you have first, I realize there is just no point in me even trying. The line about developing low grade diabetes and now being in the farm fresh air is so priceless I would pay $0.99 for it. Genius, you are. Hilarious genius.


Tabitha Crow May 6, 2013 at 10:57 am

Glad to know I’m not the only *grown up* that does stupid stuff like this. I’ve yet to play Candy Crush, but I’ve been a Farm Town junkie for a couple of years. I have spent about $40 buying “Farm Cash” so I can use it to buy new, bright, shiny, exciting production facilities…. like a zoo, or aluminum factory. Hmmm… I’m rethinking those decisions now. When I see the words on the screen I sound like a crazy person. Maybe we can be roomies in the loony bin…


annie May 6, 2013 at 11:53 am

Hey, did I tell you about the new game I found?? You’ll LOVE it!!


May 6, 2013 at 12:47 pm

We should be fb friends so that way we can send each other lives in candy crush, I too have the affliction.

Also if you want to waste time and money you should play Monopoly Hotels. I have progressed pretty far without paying real money yet, but I feel like soon the time will come when I will need to buy gold bars. Gold bars are the new gateway drug.


dusty earth mother May 6, 2013 at 2:18 pm

I am speechless over this post. Speechless.


Nancy Davis Kho
May 6, 2013 at 4:56 pm

OMG, I saw that you were doing the farming thing and I blocked posts from that game and now I’m more glad than ever that I did. Not nearly as glad as I am, however, that I have you to do these sorts of things and then explain what I’m missing.


May 6, 2013 at 5:14 pm

So THAT’S why you’ve put your memoir “on hold!!” Why I outta….


May 6, 2013 at 5:56 pm

LOL!! I’m going to stay away from Candy Crush…


The mama bird diaries
May 6, 2013 at 11:33 pm

And i was worried about Lindsay Lohan’s addictions. Stay put. Intervention coming.


joeinvegas May 7, 2013 at 10:28 am

I used to play those, but had friends that wouldn’t send things. I was about to click on the 99c thing, and finally woke up and deleted them. Sorry about your addiction.


May 7, 2013 at 4:16 pm

I can’t believe you’re playing such an insane game.

*sends Marinka ANOTHER request for more lives*



Jocelyn May 7, 2013 at 4:37 pm

My first visit here (um, hi), and I find myself reassured that my addiction to Words of Wonder (CURRENTLY STUCK WAITING FOR “FRIENDS” TO HELP ME ADVANCE TO NEXT LEVEL…MY SISTER HAS AGREED TO BE “SPELL CHECKER,” BUT HELL IF MY COUSIN HAS AGREED TO BE “INK BLOTTER” YET, THAT BITCH) leaves me in fine company.

Your poison is heroic farming in saga style; mine is lining up letters into words. We’re both perfectly, delightfully mental.


Tinne from Tantrums and Tomatoes May 8, 2013 at 7:18 am

And this is why I stay away from Candy and all other crushes.


May 8, 2013 at 8:49 am

I hate those cutesie-named games with their little evil cutesie helpers. I’d resisted all of them until Candy Crush. I was feeling so alone and wondered where everyone who usually posts funny stuff on FB had gone. I finally accepted an invitation and there they were. I checked out everyone’s positions before I finally quit ~ you’re ahead of almost everyone I know. Money well spent, Marinka, because Candy Crush cred is something you can bank on.


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