Comfortableness

by Marinka on December 13, 2010

My husband told me the other night that he doesn’t like the fact that I have a blog.

He’s a very private person, you see, and he’s worried that I reveal too much about our lives. He worries about it even though he doesn’t read my blog, has never read my blog.

But he knows people who do. And that bothers him.

“All they know is that you bought too many onions at Costco,” I tell him. “Maybe,” he says.

But I know what he means.

I share my life here in a way that I never thought I would on line.
My son complains over breakfast that when I came in to check on him the night before I let in our cat, and that he had to get up from his comfortableness and let her out, and I am ninety percent basking in how much I love him and his use of comfortableness and eight percent thinking how I’m going to tweet what he told me. I’m not sure what the other two percent of me are doing, but I assume it’s coffee related.

But I wonder–am I making a mistake?

My kids are older now, nine and twelve. My daughter wants veto power over what I write about her, and I give it. My stepson I don’t touch.

It’s my son that I hold on to for this blog. He’s funny and clever and I want credit for it. I will not write to embarrass him, but I will share his humor because I can’t not share it. If I didn’t blog about it, I’d have to call everyone I know individually and tell them what he said and who has that kind of time. Besides people who don’t blog, I mean.

So, I’m torn.

My husband has not asked me to take my blog down, but I know that it makes him uncomfortable. What I don’t know, because I am afraid to ask, is the degree. He has, always, supported my blogging, both by being totally okay with my going to conferences and by being understanding with my having to carve time to do it.

Despite the fact that he doesn’t like it. Despite the fact that he is so uncomfortable with it.

He does it because he loves me and that’s the kind of person he is.

What kind of a person am I?

One year ago ...

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{ 47 comments… read them below or add one }

hokgardner
Twitter:
December 13, 2010 at 6:44 pm

The fact that you take his concerns, and those of your kids, into account means you’re a good person. If you didn’t care, you would discount his feelings out of hand and never give them another thought.

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heidela December 13, 2010 at 6:56 pm

It’s all new, this living out loud thing. It begs for new rules. Ask him what is ok and what is taboo. Respect his wishes. I feel you on the kid thing… I love looking back at the beginnings of my blog, if only to see what my kids were doing & saying at the time. In some ways, it tracks their lives more than mine.

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Allyson December 13, 2010 at 6:58 pm

I think part of the reason why my blog has atrophied is because I’m concerned with these very same issues and I don’t want to write until I figure them out. Not that I’m saying you should do that. PLEASE, don’t do that.

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Loukia December 13, 2010 at 6:58 pm

You’re a good person who loves to write. You’re a good person who writes well. You’re a good person with a great talent who has many adoring fans! I love your blog, Marinka. I know it’s tough when loved ones have a problem with blogging, because I hear an earful all the time from my family, too. Two minutes after I publish certain posts, my sister calls me telling me what I wrote was too personal, to change it, to take it down. And I always tell her ‘no’. That if she doesn’t want to read my blog, she doesn’t have to. (She’ll never stop, though!) I see it this way. I will call out my children’s names at the park for strangers to hear. I will make small talk with other moms I have just met, telling them about my stories of tiredness and more. What I share with them, I share on my blog, too. I don’t get too personal. I don’t write about all my issues and problems. I am pretty censored , although always honest, on my blog. I wish I could be more open, share more, but I don’t. Because of who read it… my parents, my mom’s friends, etc. I also always take into consideration how my children might feel about my blog when they’re older. My husband originally had an issue with me posting pictures of my kids, but I told him, ‘Well, what if they were international models?’ 😉 Anyway, Marinka, I think what you write is awesome and I don’t think you’ve ever ‘crossed the line’ on your blog. It’s tough, though. I hope you never go away. xoxox
P.S. Sorry for rambling!

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K-Line December 13, 2010 at 7:17 pm

M: I think you are a great writer who should be writing this blog! I wish your husband would read it for just one week so that he could see how true that is.

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the mama bird diaries
Twitter:
December 13, 2010 at 7:25 pm

I’m worried that my oldest daughter is learning to read.

If you stop blogging, I’ll have to protest in front of your apartment.

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Ann's Rants
Twitter:
December 13, 2010 at 7:42 pm

For what it’s worth, you always treat your family with total respect and the irreverent part is obviously humor.

I can’t even tweet or FB about Six anymore. People will actually refer to cute things he’s said in real life–to his face–thinking it is a compliment to him. He looks at me with confusion and betrayal.

I didn’t need to see that look more than once. Okay it was three times, but now it is done.

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Hollywood Farm December 14, 2010 at 1:04 am

My oldest just turned 21, get used to that betrayal look. It only hurts that first, second, and 87th time!

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Bostulla December 13, 2010 at 7:43 pm

Well, you did talk about his onions…
Please don’t stop blogging

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Tasha
Twitter:
December 13, 2010 at 7:48 pm

You are the kind of person that tells your husband to suck it because you make us laugh and you can’t stop blogging. Except that I don’t think you are. Dang it.

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Loralee
Twitter:
December 13, 2010 at 7:55 pm

It’s because you had weirdo Internet people staying next door, isn’t it! 😉

I don’t blog about my kids a whole lot as they are older. I still talk about them, but it’s increasingly more guarded and rare.

I talk about Butterlump all the damn time. Because, well…HE’S BUTTERLUMP. It would be a crime not to share that fat, cuteness with the Internet, you know?

I think this is something that we all go through and struggle with. I think you do an amazing job with what you do and don’t put out there, personally. xo

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christy December 13, 2010 at 8:03 pm

I think you’re a totally awesome person and so is your husband. You know I made big changes to my blog earlier this year – took off all pix of my kids and don’t use their names, etc anymore. I feel much better about it now. You have never identified yourself or your family here – but I know what you mean about wondering, still. I think you strike exactly the right balance, and I sure hope you keep on keeping on!!! xo

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Pauline
Twitter:
December 13, 2010 at 8:06 pm

You should see what some of my non-blogging neighbors share about their families on FaceBook. You are tasteful and elegant with your humor. There have been many times, after reading one of your posts, that I’ve stopped to look at the world differently.

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Loralee
Twitter:
December 13, 2010 at 9:43 pm

Loralee Choate “Likes” this comment. 😉

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Whitney
Twitter:
December 14, 2010 at 11:04 am

Oh how I whole heartedly agree with the above comment!!

Last week I read an entire “you cheated we’re getting a divorce” argument through FB Status. AND THESE PEOPLE HAVE KIDS!! INSANE!

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Lynn MacDonald December 13, 2010 at 8:23 pm

I let my husband read EVERYTHING that relates to him on my blog before i post it. If he doesnt like it, i edit it if its about him as My relationship with him is more important. My kids are older and they don’t mind some of what I share but, my 19 year old absolutely demanded that she not be included in the About me and my family part. You need to respect that. I would have an honest talk and draw up some guidelines and parameters. Just my opinion. Take it or leave it but marriage is a give and take!

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Keyona
Twitter:
December 13, 2010 at 8:25 pm

You do what you love. You’ve always been safe about protecting your families identity. You are a good person. A good person who now has a face. I was afraid if we ever met I would have to look for a French Roll and veil.

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traci December 13, 2010 at 8:39 pm

This is the number one reason I had to stop. I had bounced from a blog just for my family to a blog with profane words in the url being read all over the globe from not so G rated keyword searches. Your blogs don’t make me think later because of the weight of your words, its that I know you have depth to your family and life, yet you so delicately keep private. It’s a talent, as is your sons humor. And it is so perfectly guarded.

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Nina Badzin
Twitter:
December 13, 2010 at 8:49 pm

You bring up some excellent points that gives a new blogger like me some pause. I’m a little late to the blogging thing, but most advice says to keep the blog focused. But I have wondered what happens as the kids get older and can read and use the computer. Ann’s example of people referencing comments her son made in front of him is something that worries me too. I’ve kept my new blog kind of broad for all of these reasons . . . but it feels TOO BROAD. I love that your blog is focused and funny. (By the way, I see it as witty and clever, not crass or that you’re throwing your family under the bus for a few laughs.) I’m sure you’ll continue to tread the line in way that makes you feel “comfortableness.” 😉

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Scary Mommy
Twitter:
December 13, 2010 at 10:20 pm

You are kind and you are hilarious and you are fair and you are fabulous. And you do it for YOU, while still respecting him. There’s nothing wrong with that.

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dusty earth mother December 13, 2010 at 10:29 pm

I’ve never thought of your husband with anything but favor and respect. It’s so obvious when you are using humor to make a point and you do it so well.

Please don’t stop blogging. My inbox would be so empty without you, Marinka.

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Tamara December 13, 2010 at 10:38 pm

This might make me sound totally selfish and not at all concerned about your family, but
DON’T LEAVE US!!!!

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annie December 13, 2010 at 10:58 pm

Wow – good questions. I have never read anything here that portrays your family in less than a positive light. Your humor only makes them more likeable. But even as a new girl on the block I understand what you’re asking. Part of me thinks of it because I know if it comes to me leaving them, I will tell them about it. I question whether I’m writing anything I will be ok with them reading later on. My parting gift to them I guess.

You know this posts just begs long, confused comments right? I adore you Marinka and if you stop blogging I will stalk you via email and regularly crash your blackberry!!

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Glamamom
Twitter:
December 13, 2010 at 11:06 pm

You’re fishing for compliments, aren’t you?

Well then, it would be a travesty if you left the blogosphere!

Seriously, it would 😉

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Jill
Twitter:
December 14, 2010 at 12:21 am

As much as I don’t take myself too seriously and can poke fun at all of the idiosyncrasies of our lives … I am always well aware of what my husband may think when he reads my latest posts while sitting in his cushy apartment in Baghdad… With his job, I have to be very careful what I say and what I write … and often find myself censoring more and more.

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Hollywood Farm December 14, 2010 at 1:10 am

I really am sad that he hasn’t read one blog and kinda want to tell him off about it!
Your incredibally entertaining and a fantastic witty writer.
He’s really missing out!
Xo
my hub is first on my auto email! Surprise him one day!:)

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From Belgium December 14, 2010 at 2:36 am

You are wonderfully funny and a good person who thinks of others. That is who you are. And let no one tell you otherwise.

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Bitchin Amy
Twitter:
December 14, 2010 at 3:37 am

I would cry if I thought I’d never get another story about Young Ladrinka. Being a natural born story teller is a gift and, baby, you got it. Thanks for sharing it with the rest of us.

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JK December 14, 2010 at 6:25 am

A funny as hell person, that’s what kind. As long as you remain sensitive to your family’s feelings and privacy, you’ll be fine. Good to keep revisiting the issue. Haven’t heard about John in a while…what’s going on there?

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Kristine
Twitter:
December 14, 2010 at 8:18 am

That was a good point about the Facebook nonsense. Though, doesn’t change your situation, I suppose. I think that if you’re respecting his position, there’s got to be a middle ground. And based on your censoring of what you share, it seems like you’ve reached it. I don’t like the thought of you disappearing for lots of reasons.

And really, I can relate. My husband doesn’t especially love it either, but he supports it because he knows it makes me happy. Well, that and the fact that he anticipates that “eventually you end up with a book deal or something, right? Isn’t that how this works?” (DON’T TELL HIM.) If I ever stopped blogging because I felt badly, I’d end up resenting him, I think. Then I’d simply bombard The Mouthy Housewives with incessant questions implying he’s a dickhead.

And no one wants that.

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Peajaye
Twitter:
December 14, 2010 at 9:29 am

Hmm, I thought you said that Husbandrinka did read your blog once on his friend’s iPad while in Paris, no?

And at the risk of sounding critical, it’s people like your family that necessitate WikiLeaks.

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Megan
Twitter:
December 14, 2010 at 10:24 am

I find this whole subject amusing because writers have been dealing with it for eons. We write what we know, whether it’s a blog, a memoir or fiction. Sometimes it cuts close to the bone. What others sometimes forget is that it’s about YOUR experience, your perspective. You’re writing about YOUR life.

The best you can do is be respectful of their feelings. But if you find you must compromise too much it will adversely affect your writing.

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magpie December 14, 2010 at 10:57 am

I almost never mention my husband, because he’s semi-uncomfortable about it. That said, he offers up fodder from time to time.

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Roshni December 14, 2010 at 12:12 pm

but…you’ve been blogging for a long time, right?! How come this has surfaced now?

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joeinvegas December 14, 2010 at 12:16 pm

Just pretend you’re talking to friends over coffee; how much would you say about your family there? It’s a little different with people he works with, you aren’t as friendly to them, but still about the same.

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Jeanne December 14, 2010 at 12:30 pm

I’ve had similar conversations with Old Dog, but, with him, some of it is just him adjusting to a brave, new world. He finds Facebook even more disturbing and I rarely post anything there.

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elizabeth-flourish in progress
Twitter:
December 14, 2010 at 12:45 pm

What kind of person are you?

The kind of person that BLOGS, yo!

Even though I’m a new stalker, er, reader here, I don’t think you ever overstep any boundaries. I’ve read quite a few of your older entries and I’m firmly sticking to that opinion.

Well, except for that time you talked about the onions recently. That was kind of revealing and a little uncomfortable and I wasn’t really sure what to do with that.

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Well Read Hostess December 14, 2010 at 1:33 pm

I think you are the same kind of person as I am…in some regard. Because I ask that same question for the same reason. My husband has never asked me not to blog, and part of him even loves that I do because he knows what it means to and for me, but at the same time…everything you said. Even onions is too much to have out there.

If you think of a word or a phrase to describe what that means you are or I am or we are, let me know. It’s bound to be funnier in your words than mine no matter what.

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Antropologa December 14, 2010 at 3:02 pm

Oh but it would be a shame if you stopped writing. You are really gifted.

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Issa
Twitter:
December 14, 2010 at 4:08 pm

I, like you, have a more anonymous blog. I don’t use photos, I don’t use my kids names. Yet, over time, I have let things slide. There are photos of me out there. You can’t go to conferences and meet people and not have that happen. People know my kids real names. I’m okay with that. It doesn’t mean, I’m not still careful. It doesn’t mean I will ever include photos of my kids. I rarely talk about their dad…even when we were married, I didn’t.

See the thing is, over time….people become real. Friendships are formed. You are real. I adore this crazy blogging world and all the amazing people I’ve met because of it. I don’t think that you blogging about your life, the way you see it, is necessarily a bad thing. And like others said, people over share with “friends” on Facebook in disturbing detail. Some of those people they haven’t seen in 20 years. They could all be ax murderers.

I think that his concerns are valid. Yet, if he read here, he’d know you barely mention him. You are careful and maybe that is what you need to tell him. Explain your boundaries and ask him what his are.

Because DAMMIT Marinka, I’m not letting you stop blogging.

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avasmommy December 14, 2010 at 4:28 pm

I think the spouse or partner who doesn’t blog is always a bit apprehensive about what we, as bloggers, put out there. They worry that their stories will be told, through ours, and those stories don’t always paint them in a positive light.

It’s being out of control with regard to how you are portrayed that bothers them, I think. They rarely stop to think that what is published here is usually far less invasive and revealing than what we share with our real life friends and family.

Would he ever ask you to stop talking to your best friend? Your parents? Your son’s teacher? Of course not, unless you were sharing intimate details that nobody had a right to.

It’s all about perspective. You share far less here than you do with those “real life” people.

I feel like I’m starting to ramble, so I’ll just wrap up with this. His concerns are valid. You are a good person, because those concerns gave you pause. You didn’t dismiss them.

I hope you never stop blogging.

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Erin I'm Gonna Kill Him
Twitter:
December 14, 2010 at 5:22 pm

I agree with the sentiment of the others that you treat your family and topics with dignity. It’s a difficult line to keep between humor and ridicule. You do it masterfully. I am still learning this.

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Suebob
Twitter:
December 14, 2010 at 5:52 pm

You’re a writer. Writers gotta write. That’s all

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kimberly December 14, 2010 at 6:27 pm

Explain to him the concept of Dooce. That will shut him up. He should be mixing you martinis so you can blog more.

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hoodyhoo December 15, 2010 at 7:20 am

Just remind Husbandrinka that if you didn’t have US to listen to your crazy ideas, it’d still be HIS job… that’s been working with Chuckweasel so far.

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anna see December 15, 2010 at 10:28 pm

Oh Marinka. I know. I am in the same boat you are. Well, I’m not as funny, or clever, and I don’t live in the big city, and I do shave my pits in the winter, but my kids ARE 9 and almost 12 and I am worrying/wondering about these same things.

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Kate Coveny Hood
Twitter:
December 30, 2010 at 11:56 pm

Just catching up on a month of unread posts and I loved this one. It really is one of the biggest drawbacks to something so personally fulfilling. You also open your family up to the opinions of others no matter how much you try to limit the information you divulge. And if one family member really doesn’t like it…

I can’t imagine that anyone has spent any length of time blogging without any concern for this. I sometimes imagine future girlfriends of my son, George googling him and learning of his recent obsession with lip gloss. At age four, he couldn’t care less, but at 14?

For the record, I love your Ladrinka stories and would miss them terribly.

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