Please welcome The Flying Chalupa, my very last guest poster! For now. She is hysterical and you’ll even learn something. Please check out her blog, and my favorite, How To Diaper a Pterodactyl. And make sure to follow her on Twitter! -Marinka
I can’t find any Benjamins at the moment, but I gotta fistful of Washingtons that wanna throw some learning in your face.
It’s never too early for financial literacy, yo.
If your toddler can say “I need the [insert name of character from Pixar-animated film] toy” – it’s time to get in their face and ask if they want to be a baller, shot-caller, or brawler. Each comes with its own economic perils. Especially the brawler, because breaking shit can run up the tab and get you thrown out of that pricey Montessori faster than you can say “It was Mel Gibson’s fault.”
VALUE MEAL, BIZATCH
Pop open a bottle of Cristal and hash out the values that are most important to you and your spouse. Make sure you’re on the same page of your synchronized iPads. Surely we can agree on the basics:
A latte is worth any price.
A penny on the street might not be worth the swine flu.
A quarter on the street that buys you 15 minutes of parking is definitely worth the pink eye.
Money doesn’t grow on trees, it grows on little machines that you must prune fortnightly.
A toddler in Beverly Hills is worth two in Bismarck.
No crayons in the chromed-out Benz with the spoilers.
ALLOW THIS, SHORTY!
An allowance is meant to be:
1. A learning tool
2. A salary
If you answered “2,” holla! You’re the proud owner of a Mini P. Keaton, the toddler version of the Alex P. Keaton from Family Ties. This kid is stackin’ chips on a rainy day, tryin’ to bury seven zeros over in Rio Dijaneri. He’s got direct deposit to the big time – and maybe even the Big House if he doesn’t stop inflating the price of Toys-R-Us stock. As a parent, you should probably siphon off a percentage of your salary straight to your chump-progengy and prepare to be featured on MTV’s “Sweet 16,” where the world can see how you’ve been fleeced by the asshole you raised.
If you answered #3, yo, the little Goodfella in the room down the hall is called the “Tricky Schroeder” – or the toddler version of the Ricky Schroeder from Silver Spoons. She’s all “Damn, woman, I want five carats on my hands wit the cuts” and you’re all “Shut the hell up and eat your veggie plate, we are NOT going to Zales again.” You’ve created a beast. A beast who wants a diamond grill for her obnoxious chomper.
If you answered #1, you can proudly say that you are raising a veritable Kimora Lee Schwab. Check it. You’re talkin’ about expenses vs. savings. Toddler teeth whitening today vs. the Rolls in high school. The size 3T velour track suit today vs. the Cannes Film Festival for the 8th birthday. A great approach. And what about a dollar per year of age per week? Using the Gangsta Mork-Rule-of-Aging, that would be about $83 a week. Just enough to dress like Lil’ Kim but feel like Mother Theresa.
THE CHO THING
Chores and allowance are the horny teenagers that need to be locked in separate bedrooms before Planned Financehood gets involved. Chores is a good kid, always working, working, working – his sticker chart bling-blingin’, but he confuses the situation, aight? Allowance would ask herself: if I give myself to him, will I respect him in the morning? Probably not, Allowance. Money for a Chore when it should be for love? Wait until you’re a little older, yo. It’ll be better, fo’ shizzle.
Even by age 3, the Biggie Smalls of your household think everything is NEED NEED NEED! Educate them early about wants vs. needs. And as we all know, the basic needs as decreed by at least three interns at Source Magazine are:
1. Food (never cooked by you and from a deep-fryer after midnight)
2. Water (either the Vitamin kind endorsed by Fidy Cent or from the ice cubes in your Grey Goose)
3. Shelter (the Mandarin Oriental is preferable, but you have an open account at the Holiday Inn)
4. Clothing (line known for it’s gold lame and faux fur and retailing across the country)
TEACHIN’ – IT’S COOL LIKE DAT
Use everyday occurrences to teach your little beastie boys and girls about money – and if that means interrupting their gin-and-juice-box-time, then so be it. Mother-daughter facials? Discuss cost and tip. Using the helicopter to get jiggy through rush-hour traffic? The cost-of-gas and the saving-of-time discussion. And whenever you need the personal chef to whip up a DJ Jazzy Grilled Cheesy? People employed. Economy fueled.
DROP IT LIKE IT’S HOT – AND FUN!
Parents just DO understand – that having money is fun! Nothing but fun! Don’t let your kids lose interest. Go to the bank, take out several thousand dollars in one dollar bills, and fill up the bathtub. Presto! Swimming laps in luxury, just like Uncle Scrooge did on “Duck Tales.” But beware of paper cuts, homies.
THE YOUNG GOLD DIGGERS ASSOCIATION
Encourage the entrepreneurial spirit of your young Wu-Tang Clan by offering to pay start-up costs on the bizness of their choice. Blow that popsicle stand and go straight to what the market demands: high-class toddler entertainment at social functions. Why should people pay a shit-load for midgets – or Snooki – to make an appearance at a party, when they can get REAL little people for a fraction of the cost and a quarter of the booze? For realz. It’s time to put Bone, Thugs ‘n Harmony to work. Because a 3-year old singing “Straight Outta New Canaan” at a nursing home is thing to treasure.
GIVE IT UP
For giving. Your prechooler should pass along his do-rag to someone less fortunate. Does Ol’ Dirty Bastard, the German Shepherd, really need a diamon-studded collar? Does your daughter need a gold-plated potty? What about that guy with the lazy eye who hangs out in Starbucks every morning? You should totally give him that free iTunes download card. Enrich people’s lives with music! Start a foundation! A foundation called “Hard Out Here For A Pimp.”
In no time at all, your pride and joy will be saying “ain’t nuthin’ but a ‘G’ thang” and truly understand the value of a G.
Because while Washingtons are tucked into g-strings and Benjamins get you a table and a bottle, a G will get you respect.
One year ago ...