Da Benjamins: A Financial Guide

by Marinka on March 1, 2011

Please welcome The Flying Chalupa, my very last guest poster! For now. She is hysterical and you’ll even learn something. Please check out her blog, and my favorite, How To Diaper a Pterodactyl. And make sure to follow her on Twitter! -Marinka

I can’t find any Benjamins at the moment, but I gotta fistful of Washingtons that wanna throw some learning in your face.

It’s never too early for financial literacy, yo.

If your toddler can say “I need the [insert name of character from Pixar-animated film] toy” – it’s time to get in their face and ask if they want to be a baller, shot-caller, or brawler. Each comes with its own economic perils. Especially the brawler, because breaking shit can run up the tab and get you thrown out of that pricey Montessori faster than you can say “It was Mel Gibson’s fault.”

VALUE MEAL, BIZATCH

Pop open a bottle of Cristal and hash out the values that are most important to you and your spouse. Make sure you’re on the same page of your synchronized iPads. Surely we can agree on the basics:

A latte is worth any price.
A penny on the street might not be worth the swine flu.
A quarter on the street that buys you 15 minutes of parking is definitely worth the pink eye.
Money doesn’t grow on trees, it grows on little machines that you must prune fortnightly.
A toddler in Beverly Hills is worth two in Bismarck.
No crayons in the chromed-out Benz with the spoilers.

ALLOW THIS, SHORTY!

An allowance is meant to be:

1. A learning tool
2. A salary
3. Entitlement

If you answered “2,” holla! You’re the proud owner of a Mini P. Keaton, the toddler version of the Alex P. Keaton from Family Ties. This kid is stackin’ chips on a rainy day, tryin’ to bury seven zeros over in Rio Dijaneri. He’s got direct deposit to the big time – and maybe even the Big House if he doesn’t stop inflating the price of Toys-R-Us stock. As a parent, you should probably siphon off a percentage of your salary straight to your chump-progengy and prepare to be featured on MTV’s “Sweet 16,” where the world can see how you’ve been fleeced by the asshole you raised.

If you answered #3, yo, the little Goodfella in the room down the hall is called the “Tricky Schroeder” – or the toddler version of the Ricky Schroeder from Silver Spoons. She’s all “Damn, woman, I want five carats on my hands wit the cuts” and you’re all “Shut the hell up and eat your veggie plate, we are NOT going to Zales again.” You’ve created a beast. A beast who wants a diamond grill for her obnoxious chomper.

If you answered #1, you can proudly say that you are raising a veritable Kimora Lee Schwab. Check it. You’re talkin’ about expenses vs. savings. Toddler teeth whitening today vs. the Rolls in high school. The size 3T velour track suit today vs. the Cannes Film Festival for the 8th birthday. A great approach. And what about a dollar per year of age per week? Using the Gangsta Mork-Rule-of-Aging, that would be about $83 a week. Just enough to dress like Lil’ Kim but feel like Mother Theresa.

THE CHO THING

Chores and allowance are the horny teenagers that need to be locked in separate bedrooms before Planned Financehood gets involved. Chores is a good kid, always working, working, working – his sticker chart bling-blingin’, but he confuses the situation, aight? Allowance would ask herself: if I give myself to him, will I respect him in the morning? Probably not, Allowance. Money for a Chore when it should be for love? Wait until you’re a little older, yo. It’ll be better, fo’ shizzle.

NOTORIOUS W.A.N.T.S.

Even by age 3, the Biggie Smalls of your household think everything is NEED NEED NEED! Educate them early about wants vs. needs. And as we all know, the basic needs as decreed by at least three interns at Source Magazine are:

1. Food (never cooked by you and from a deep-fryer after midnight)
2. Water (either the Vitamin kind endorsed by Fidy Cent or from the ice cubes in your Grey Goose)
3. Shelter (the Mandarin Oriental is preferable, but you have an open account at the Holiday Inn)
4. Clothing (line known for it’s gold lame and faux fur and retailing across the country)

TEACHIN’ – IT’S COOL LIKE DAT

Use everyday occurrences to teach your little beastie boys and girls about money – and if that means interrupting their gin-and-juice-box-time, then so be it. Mother-daughter facials? Discuss cost and tip. Using the helicopter to get jiggy through rush-hour traffic? The cost-of-gas and the saving-of-time discussion. And whenever you need the personal chef to whip up a DJ Jazzy Grilled Cheesy? People employed. Economy fueled.

DROP IT LIKE IT’S HOT – AND FUN!

Parents just DO understand – that having money is fun! Nothing but fun! Don’t let your kids lose interest. Go to the bank, take out several thousand dollars in one dollar bills, and fill up the bathtub. Presto! Swimming laps in luxury, just like Uncle Scrooge did on “Duck Tales.” But beware of paper cuts, homies.

THE YOUNG GOLD DIGGERS ASSOCIATION

Encourage the entrepreneurial spirit of your young Wu-Tang Clan by offering to pay start-up costs on the bizness of their choice. Blow that popsicle stand and go straight to what the market demands: high-class toddler entertainment at social functions. Why should people pay a shit-load for midgets – or Snooki – to make an appearance at a party, when they can get REAL little people for a fraction of the cost and a quarter of the booze? For realz. It’s time to put Bone, Thugs ‘n Harmony to work. Because a 3-year old singing “Straight Outta New Canaan” at a nursing home is thing to treasure.

GIVE IT UP

For giving. Your prechooler should pass along his do-rag to someone less fortunate. Does Ol’ Dirty Bastard, the German Shepherd, really need a diamon-studded collar? Does your daughter need a gold-plated potty? What about that guy with the lazy eye who hangs out in Starbucks every morning? You should totally give him that free iTunes download card. Enrich people’s lives with music! Start a foundation! A foundation called “Hard Out Here For A Pimp.”

____________

In no time at all, your pride and joy will be saying “ain’t nuthin’ but a ‘G’ thang” and truly understand the value of a G.

Because while Washingtons are tucked into g-strings and Benjamins get you a table and a bottle, a G will get you respect.

Word.

One year ago ...

0saves
If you enjoyed this post, please consider leaving a comment or subscribing to the RSS feed.
If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!

{ 1 trackback }

How To Guest Post At Marinka’s | theflyingchalupa.com
March 1, 2011 at 12:08 am

{ 28 comments… read them below or add one }

The Flying Chalupa
Twitter:
March 1, 2011 at 12:10 am

Take that Bucket List! I’m guesting at Marinka’s! Woo-hoo! Thank you SO much for having me. (your check for a G is in the mail)

Reply

Kimberly March 1, 2011 at 3:08 am

I recently found The Flying Chalupa…can’t remember where…but doesn’t matter. I. Can’t. Get. Enough.

I’m addicted. Where else can you be GUARANTEED to laugh?

And to show my love, I’ll be stumblin’….Yo.

Reply

Wendi
Twitter:
March 1, 2011 at 8:49 am

That was some funny shit, yo.

Reply

Tonya
Twitter:
March 1, 2011 at 9:32 am

Tru Dat Chalups!!!
2 other things to livin’ the right G life:
– party in all white cuz anything else be trippin’ – this means multiple costume changes but fashion is worth everything, yo
– every G-in-training needs a kick-ass whip even if it just means just full pimpin’ the Skuut.

Reply

Sherri
Twitter:
March 1, 2011 at 9:55 am

I’m feeling all flush and rich after that there post, Chalupa. Yes I am…with my pocket full’o Abe’s, since I just gave that allowance crap to the kids.

Who really don’t get squat. So I’m going to have them read this and summarize the main points in an essay. Thanks for the laughs this morning…you just keep getting funnier and funnier!

Reply

Lynn MacDonald (All Fooked Up) March 1, 2011 at 10:14 am

Damn! I’ve so failed already! Why wasn’t this shit around when I could have prevented my kids from becoming dysfunctional human beings?

Or…maybe they never stood a chance. After all, I am their mother.

Reply

Becky (Princess Mikkimoto)
Twitter:
March 1, 2011 at 10:42 am

Excellent! I’ll need this information when my Governor gets his way.

Reply

Lori @ In Pursuit of Martha Points March 1, 2011 at 10:42 am

Pitiful…pitiful…

All da coin in my pocket is just dat….coin.

Offensively clinky. Tackily jingly.

I gots me a bad case o’ da teenagers.

Teenagers make off with the foldin’ type o’ cash faster dan you can say “Bring me back the ch…ah, screw it.”

Cause you aint never seein’ dat change, woman.

Never.

Reply

liz March 2, 2011 at 2:43 pm

Dude, the cherry on top of Chalupa’s (of course!) outstanding post? Lori attempting to talk all gangsta!

Now my life is complete. 🙂

Reply

dusty earth mother March 1, 2011 at 11:00 am

I’m printing this and putting it in my wallet. How fabu are you, Chalup? Especially since you referenced Alex P. Keaton. LOVE.

Reply

MommaKiss March 1, 2011 at 11:00 am

Allowance. Let’s talk about allowance. I never got one. Know what I got? a quarter from my big brother. Know what for? Rolling off his sweaty socks after a basketball practice. I got all demanding and upped to a quarter per sock, because I’m hard core like that.

Reply

julie gardner March 1, 2011 at 11:02 am

I was so going to put all your advice into practice. Today, even.

Then I decided to go be a Goddess at Charlie Sheen’s Sober Valley Ranch.

I’m the age of two of his Goddesses (Goddii?) put together, so he’ll only need one of me.

And since I don’t have pink eye or swine flu (currently), I’m probably a shoe-in.

I’m pretty sure this is a great life decision. Will share all I learn from the Warlock as soon as possible…

Reply

foolin' round March 1, 2011 at 11:04 am

do I even know you? do I even know anyone that funny? funny, at one time you seemed so small, so harmless…. even mean dogs crept away.

Reply

Ann's Rants
Twitter:
March 1, 2011 at 11:28 am

“Tricky Schroeder”

FAVORITE.

Reply

KLZ March 1, 2011 at 11:50 am

My daughter totally doesn’t need a gold plated potty. How else would we afford mine?

I mean, she’s not down with P-E-E like I am anyway.

Reply

alexandra
Twitter:
March 1, 2011 at 1:21 pm

*chuckle*

MTV’s sweet 16.

I knew YOU were just like me, Chalupa…watching that stuff.

I knew it.

Happy to see you here, Chalinka…and you are funny.

Way to strike–while Marinka is down and we all look good.

I love this guestposteratmarinka’s….I think we need to plan a way to trigger her depression lite every year.

Nothing too drastic, just enough to send her to the edge, is all. Or, at least to her email contact list.

Reply

subWOW
Twitter:
March 1, 2011 at 2:04 pm

I’m decidedly uncool ’cause I was wikipediaing and urban-dictionary-ing this whole post to understand all the pop culture references and slangs… LOL

Reply

Erin I'm Gonna Kill Him
Twitter:
March 1, 2011 at 2:45 pm

The world is really the poorer for not having more advice for being a cross between Lil Kim and Mother Theresa.

I’m going to trade in my Maybach stroller right now to show my kids some fiscal sense. We’re keeping the chrome wheels, though. We need some gangster cred still.

Brizilliant.

Reply

Tracey - JustAnotherMommyBlog March 1, 2011 at 4:27 pm

How lame am I that I didn’t understand all of that? I do believe that = OLD PERSON ALERT. Shit. Funny, yes. But very confusing to my aging brain…

Reply

Yuliya
Twitter:
March 2, 2011 at 1:24 am

“A toddler in Beverly Hills is worth two in Bismarck.” Genius. I mean it. (I will be using that in a power point presentation to my husband who insists we can’t afford more)

Reply

From Belgium March 2, 2011 at 5:52 am

‘High class toddler entertainement at social functions’… I am soooo going to market that brilliant idea in Belgium!
I’m gonna make a fortune!

Reply

Jessica
Twitter:
March 2, 2011 at 7:50 am

“A penny on the street might not be worth the swine flu.” ??? Dying again Miss Chalinka. I can’t come up with as good of a comment as the rest of these ladies so that’s that. Love it!

Reply

Lady Jennie March 2, 2011 at 11:36 am

I haven’t heard such eloquence (or pure common sense) since I left NY.

Reply

Ash March 2, 2011 at 5:38 pm

“No crayons in the chromed-out Benz with the spoilers.” I think my husband wrote that and passed it along to you. Not a peppermint in his sedan, but it’s McDonald’s picnics in the back of my SUV.

May have to poop a cap. Or is that pop?

I bow down to your gangsta greatness.

Reply

Tiffany March 2, 2011 at 7:12 pm

oh, chalupa. you somehow managed ‘duck tales’ and kimora lee simmons into one post. and notorious b.i.g. i might be on the next flight to san fran to wash your feet or something.

well, not really, ’cause that’s weird.

me love you long time, girl.

Reply

Loukia March 2, 2011 at 11:20 pm

This was awesome. Ha.

Reply

deborah l quinn
Twitter:
March 3, 2011 at 10:43 am

The book of Gangsta Parenting. I’m loving it. I hope you’re writing it.

Reply

GrandeMocha
Twitter:
March 5, 2011 at 8:11 am

I would buy it!

Reply

Leave a Comment

Previous post:

Next post: