Fantastic News!

by Marinka on February 17, 2010

Fantastic news, everyone!
I went to the doctor yesterday and found out that I gained twenty pounds. That means I’m really growing and developing! Why, I bet that I’m in the 95th percentile already! No failure to thrive for me!

Before she weighed me, the doctor asked me to take off my boots.
“What about my jewelry and other adornments?” I asked. She said that it wasn’t necessary, even though I was wearing my platinum and jewel encrusted necklace that spelled out MARINKA LOVES PEOPLE WHO COMMENT ON HER BLOG! in six inch high letters.

I got on the scale and the doctor said, “Oh. Well, you certainly gained some weight!”
“Thank you,” I say. Because I’m not afraid to accept a compliment and see no reason to be coy.
“Let’s see if you can go the other way,” the doctor jots something down.
“Excuse me, but I am heterosexual,” I tell her. I’m so sick of people hitting on me. Just because there’s more of me to love, doesn’t mean that I “go both ways”.
“Instead of gaining, you should go the other way and lose weight.”

Well, how do you like that!

I now understand exactly what Kevin Smith went through this weekend when attempting to Fly While Fat on Southwest. And I suppose we have to thank Barack Karl Marx Obama for these insensitive doctors. Back when Bush was Cheney’s assistant, you could have a doctor waterboarded for saying something like that to an American patient. But now, anything goes. “Lose weight!” they say and then ask for a co-payment.

“I suppose I could lose a few ounces,” I concede. Because obviously I’m dealing with an unbalanced doctor and I don’t want to be euthanized in a rage because I don’t accept her diagnosis.

“According to this, someone your height should weigh twenty pounds less,” she tells me, consulting some kind of chart, probably astrological.
“Someone my height?” I sneer. Like I don’t know code for “JEW” when I hear it.
“Yes,” she tells me, “do you want to discuss weight loss options?”
“I could shave my legs,” I consider.
“You should cut down on carbs,” she interrupts.
“Isn’t there something less drastic?” I panic. “I could also shave off my eyebrows.”
“And work in some exercise into your day.” She’s obsessed.

I don’t think it’s healthy. To be honest with you, I’m a kind of worried about her.

One year ago ...

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{ 61 comments… read them below or add one }

Stephani Stelmach February 17, 2010 at 12:08 am

in my experience, doctors do not have a sense of humor. therefore, how could such a person (d0ct0r) understand you–a woman with a such a FABULOUS sense of humor. seriously, woman, I so look forward to reading your blog. it is better than ice cream.

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Maggie May February 17, 2010 at 1:03 am

this made me LAUGH!!! i had the same horrible diagnosis in 09. poo.

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peajaye
Twitter:
February 17, 2010 at 1:39 am

is it possible you ate husbandrinka’s Daily Planner by mistake? if so, once you poo it out in the next day or so, it’ll be win-win!

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Maravonda February 17, 2010 at 5:54 am

I think we should report her to the AMA immediately. Even better, get one of those television lawyer people and sue her for the plethora of filthy, insensitive, bigoted, sexual things she said. Yes, that’s the ticket! Next winter you and Husbandrinka and company will have your own island in the Caribbean…don’t you just love malpractice insurance? On the other hand, if you are FAT, how will you wear a bathing suit? I don’t know, Marinka…

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Beth February 17, 2010 at 6:21 am

So, where’d you get that necklace?

My doctor needs to lose a few pounds. We have an understanding. He points out my need to lose a couple of pounds and I point out the same on him. So rewarding.

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kiki
Twitter:
February 17, 2010 at 8:02 am

thanks for the laughs this morning. i’m sorry it was at your expense, though, but that convo with the doctor is hilarious. i could never give up carbs. i didn’t know about the airlines and weight restrictions until the Kevin Smith internet tirade. i have been flying since i was a kid and overweight people have always been on planes and i don’t remember anyone ever having two seats or getting booted for being fat. it’s a whole new world. take care.

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Braja February 17, 2010 at 8:29 am

So it’s official, you love me? I’m calorie free. If you exclude the red wine…..

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the mama bird diaries
Twitter:
February 17, 2010 at 8:34 am

Were your clothes weighed down by heavy snow slush?

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kati February 17, 2010 at 8:52 am

YAY, Go you!!! I’m so proud of you!!!
Aren’t we all supposed to grow as people?

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MommyGeekology
Twitter:
February 17, 2010 at 8:58 am

This is clearly a terrorist plot. Don’t give in!

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ryan February 17, 2010 at 9:01 am

If you don’t have that necklace made before Blogher rolls around this summer I will be really bummed. I could get you a good deal here at the Magic Mall.

really funny post this morning. It makes me feel like a ding dong for not reading here every single day. I am off to get caught up.

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Sophie February 17, 2010 at 9:04 am

The notion of utting down on carbs and doing excercise is downright antisemitical!
You go girl, you’re beautiful just as you are.

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Mox
Twitter:
February 17, 2010 at 9:05 am

You are hilarious! Loves it.

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Sophie February 17, 2010 at 9:08 am

…and once again, everything I write between angle brackets gets sent off to the intelligence agencies instead of getting posted. It’s probably for the best.

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Wendi
Twitter:
February 17, 2010 at 9:11 am

Are you Kelcey’s surrogate?

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Aunt Becky
Twitter:
February 17, 2010 at 9:12 am

I think your doctor is in love with you.

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Aunt Becky
Twitter:
February 17, 2010 at 9:12 am

You should get a restraining order.

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Vicki
Twitter:
February 17, 2010 at 9:14 am

That sucks. I can commiserate because I am also an overachiever in this regard. When I complained to Mr. B that I’d gained weight since we got married and haven’t been able to shed it yet, he proclaimed that he had also gained weight, but was “fat, but happy,” while looking as svelte as Roger Federer. I punched him. I’m awaiting Husbandrinka’s reaction.

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Crys February 17, 2010 at 9:33 am

The NERVE of your doctor! My doctor tells mes that i’m healthy as a horse…and my backside looks like one. That’s not a compliment is it? I’m SO confused!

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Deb on the Rocks
Twitter:
February 17, 2010 at 9:44 am

Your doctor is just jealous.

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mel
Twitter:
February 17, 2010 at 9:52 am

thanks for the laugh. My asshole doctor basically said the same thing to me yesterday “your BMI is too high, maybe you should cut out sugar. no desert unless it’s a special occassion”. so naturally I went home and baked a cake.

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Coco
Twitter:
February 17, 2010 at 11:11 am

I say be glad it is only 20 lbs. I have WAY more to lose. When my vitamin shot shipment gets in then it is goodbye carbs. Carbs…yumm. Never was that crazy about carbs until I got fat and needed to stop. Then I started craving them. You could always go on the liquid dinner diet. That is my fave. Canadian blend bourbon and diet Pepsi. It is whats for dinner.

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OHmommy
Twitter:
February 17, 2010 at 11:17 am

You make me laugh. A lot.

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SubWife February 17, 2010 at 11:18 am

Post like these should come with warning: do not read while at work or drinking coffee. This was too funny! Thanks for a good laugh!

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pamela February 17, 2010 at 11:21 am

OMG. Cannot. Stop. Laughing!

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Tiffany
Twitter:
February 17, 2010 at 11:37 am

Ha! Love your blog, and your sense of humor.

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Jayme February 17, 2010 at 12:22 pm

Less carbs? is your doctor insane. Carbs are what makes the world go round…

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SoccerMom February 17, 2010 at 12:24 pm

What the heck, I think you should find a new doctor. Who says that kinda crap to someone. How rude!

Maybe you should start eating just half of husbandrinkas bagel? Just an idea.

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Happy Hour Sue February 17, 2010 at 1:08 pm

LMAO!!!!!!

True fact: i remove my tampon before I weigh myself.

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Jane February 17, 2010 at 1:19 pm

I just choked on one of my raw unSALTED almonds snack………of which I’m only allowed 5…. at your height you should have pointed out her dandruff in her part!

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Maddnessofme February 17, 2010 at 1:28 pm

I see the makings of a malpractice suit here.

and no, I’m not being racist.

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marathonmom February 17, 2010 at 1:47 pm

Bitch!

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Slow Panic
Twitter:
February 17, 2010 at 4:26 pm

i totally did not skip a doctors appointment this morning because i didn’t want to hear about my new 15 pounds. i would never do that.

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Heather (qtberryhead) February 17, 2010 at 6:08 pm

You should have slapped her and told her to snap out of it…it’s sounds like she’s hysterical.

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Stacie February 17, 2010 at 7:19 pm

This post made my day!

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Kate Coveny Hood
Twitter:
February 17, 2010 at 7:42 pm

By far one of the funniest posts I’ve read in a long time. I don’t have a worthy comment.

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traci February 17, 2010 at 8:30 pm

I tried warning you about eating small children. As usual, you never listen.

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blognut
Twitter:
February 17, 2010 at 10:51 pm

I think you should try to gain at least 80 lbs more so you can qualify for the gastric bypass surgery. Wouldn’t that be easier than giving up carbs?

I know! I’m a genius. You can thank me later.

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magpie February 17, 2010 at 10:56 pm

Oh dear. I think I have the same problem. I didn’t realize that shaving my legs would help. I’ll get on that.

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Lisa Rae @ smacksy February 17, 2010 at 11:12 pm

My doctor is the doctor on Biggest Loser.
For real.
That’s just bad planning on my part.

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Noelle February 18, 2010 at 2:07 am

I think your doctor and Husbandrinka are in cahoots…and that would totally explain the weekly bagel half hint! Don’t they know when you eat a bagel you’ve already cut down on carbs…that’s what the hole is for!

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Amy @ The Bitchin' Wives Club
Twitter:
February 18, 2010 at 4:12 am

I’d press charges. “For your HEIGHT.”?!??!? Unbelievable what these big-city doctors think they can get away with!

Reply

amy2boys
Twitter:
February 18, 2010 at 11:10 am

“attempting to Fly While Fat” — OMG belly laugh!

Shave your eyebrows… heh

I think you should ask Papa to develop an exercise and diet plan for you and blog the implememntaiton process.

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anymommy February 18, 2010 at 2:03 pm

You are a damn funny woman. Also, you look so slender today. Have you gained height?

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Keely February 18, 2010 at 10:40 pm

I bet teh Funny accounts for at LEAST 15 pounds, and you can’t possibly lose that.

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Ann's Rants February 18, 2010 at 10:42 pm

This is all just to prime us for when we get to see your new boobs, isn’t it.. Code words “Doctor” and “twenty pounds”

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Domestic Extraordinaire February 18, 2010 at 10:44 pm

“Like I don’t know the code name for JEW”

Dying of laughter, errr, I mean I am terribly upset by this doctor, just who the heck do they think they are….they should be disbarred (or whatever it is they do to doctors)

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PsychMamma February 18, 2010 at 11:03 pm

Did somebody say you’re going to show us your boobs??

P.S. I hate pecking out comments on this iPhone, but your necklace made me do it. It has hypnotic qualities. You should wear it everywhere, in spite of the extra 5 pounds.

P.P.(M?)S. Eyebrows only weigh one pound. Don’t ask how I know.

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Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]
Twitter:
February 19, 2010 at 12:13 am

I’m so afeard to get on a scale. I don’t want that LOOK from the doctor or for him to use the words, “for someone of your size.”

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MashugaMom
Twitter:
February 19, 2010 at 12:42 am

I just happened upon your blog. You are hilarious. As a Chicagoan who is constantly in winter, I like to say, ” It’s my winter weight, to keep me warm.”
Run with that……

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edwina February 19, 2010 at 12:45 am

i think i love you

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Mary @ Holy Mackerel
Twitter:
February 19, 2010 at 2:29 pm

Whatever. That doctor was obviously totally jealous. She probably has no boobs or ass to speak of. Am I right? Thought so.

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Old School/New School Mom February 21, 2010 at 11:46 am

What is wrong with that doctor? Clearly jewelry makes a difference, and I’m sure if you took off your accessories you would have been 2o lbs lighter. She was obviously mistaken. I have the same “blog comment necklace” in jade.

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Cathy February 25, 2010 at 3:48 pm

You are hilarious. Just found you via Wendi’s site, then via Mouthy Housewives.

Hi. Lar. I. Ous.

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lildb February 27, 2010 at 1:44 am

that was funny. you’re funny.

yeah, she’s kind of a total nitwit.

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Heather E March 2, 2010 at 12:34 am

My jewelry and adornments are extremely heavy, as are my socks, bra and glasses. This doctor is obviously a hack.
Fire her at once!

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Mary @ Holy Mackerel
Twitter:
March 8, 2010 at 3:10 pm

If you’re anything like me, shaving your legs would make you anorexic.

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JustLinda March 19, 2010 at 2:15 pm

hahahahhahah Funny, funny post… great candidate for its nomination. I love it!! (Came here from that BlogHer site – totally adding you to my reader!!)

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suburbancorrespondent
Twitter:
March 20, 2010 at 6:48 pm

Obviously an anti-Semite – doesn’t he realize how much weight we have to gain in the next 20 years or so to look as round as our grandmothers? He needs a cultural sensitivity course.

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*Given Much Momma* April 9, 2010 at 7:58 pm

You are stinkin’ FUNNY!!! 🙂

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Elisa @ Globetrotting in Heels
Twitter:
August 17, 2010 at 8:57 am

I think she was just overwhelmed by how fabulous you are. You know people say stupid shit when they are at a loss for words.

Reply

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