Gather around children. Mommy has something to tell you.
Groan. What? Can we do it later?
No, I need to talk to you now. Children, you know that mommy and daddy love you very much, right?
Are we done?
No, listen. Mommy and daddy love you very much, but mommy and daddy are facing a situation.
This is boring.
Are you almost done?
And the situation is that daddy went to Costco over the weekend, and –
No, ha ha, no more onions. But we seem to have some fruit. As though we are doing a Still Life.
So, we need to set up an Emergency Fruit Eating Schedule.
I’m glad you asked, Young Ladrinka!
I didn’t ask, I so don’t care.
I know you didn’t ask, but I’m going to blog it as though you did ask, because that makes me look like a parent who is raising inquisitive youngsters.
Whatever. I mean, Nintendo is fun and educational. Like Nutella and Apple Products. And especially the Mac Book Pro.
So the Emergency Fruit Eating Schedule will go like this. Every day, everyone will eat two to three pieces of fruit. I recommend starting with the apples, because they tend to spoil first.
Bananas rot first.
Right you are, my beautiful daughter! But I’m not as worried about the bananas because first of all, there are fewer of them, and second of all, they are a natural cereal companion choice. So it’s unlikely that we’ll have problems disposing of them.
Ok, we’ll eat the apples.
Thank you. But see, we also have pears. And these are special pears.
I’m glad you asked, Young Ladrinka.
I didn’t-oh, forget it.
These pears are special and magical because they don’t really taste like anything. So when you eat these special, magical pears, you have to use your imagination to come up with a taste.
I hate pears.
That’s not a problem. As I mentioned, they do not taste like pears. At all! What’s your favorite food, Young Ladrinka?
Yes! These pears taste like pizza! Especially the delivery box that the pizza comes in. Yum!
Are you done?
Just about! And we also have oranges! No scurvy for us.
It’s a very scary disease that comes from not eating oranges.
Do people die from it?
Yes, constantly. I’ve had a few close calls myself.
That’s not true.
Just because it’s not true doesn’t mean that we’re not all at risk for scurvy. Scary!
Can we leave now?
No, I’m afraid not. Once you are done with the Still Life apples, don’t forget that we have more in this bag ‘o apples.
I know! And when that’s done, we have more in Mr. Refrigerator!
There are oranges there too.
That’s right. Because in this family, we practice Fruit Integration.
Oh Em Eff GEE! This is so boring.
We’re just about done! Remember, children, go forth and eat Still Life, Bag ‘o Apples and Cold Fruit!
So we don’t get scarves.
One year ago ...
- Take Your Eyes in Your Teeth - 2010