How to be an Excellent House Guest

by Marinka on April 6, 2010

Spring is in the air and that means that summer is around the corner (and autumn is at bat, and winter is warming up, and thank the Lord that there are only four seasons, because otherwise this cliche nightmare would go on and on).  But the point is soon you and your loved ones will be invited to spend a weekend with friends, at their house,  for a weekend.  And you want to make sure that you do everything right so (a) not to become blog fodder and (b) be invited back.

That’s where I come in.

Just follow this handy guide, and you’ll be all set!

1.  Arrive with a small hostess gift.  A petite maid, for example.

2.  A bottle of champagne, or some ground coffee beans is nice, too.

3.  If you are traveling with your children or pets, offer to let them sleep in the car overnight.  Chances are your hosts will insist that they sleep indoors, but they will really appreciate the offer.

4.  Compliment their house. Compliment their kids.  If you must cross your fingers while doing so, sit on your hand.

5.  Don’t say things like “so, where’s that bottle of champagne that we brought you?”

6.  Do not discuss religion, politics or traffic patterns.

7.  Apparently “I don’t know if I’m going through menopause or am just batshit psycho at this point,” is not the ice breaker that you may think it is.

8.  If your hosts have small kids, offer to watch them.   At some later, undetermined time.

9.  Say things like “It’s so great to spend time with you guys” and “You really must come stay with us!” throughout the weekend.

If all else fails, just remember this one rule:

10.  Do not, and I cannot stress this enough, leave a pubic hair on the soap in the guest bathroom.

Happy Travels!

One year ago ...

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{ 21 comments… read them below or add one }

Scary Mommy
Twitter:
April 6, 2010 at 9:59 am

I am printing this out and hanging it in my guest room. Really, I am. And, does the pubic hair rule go for husbands too?

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SoccerMom April 6, 2010 at 1:26 pm

That is so awesome.

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Crys April 6, 2010 at 10:43 am

WOW! These are GREAT! But um, the pubic hair in the soap? I’m sorry – I thought I washed that away after Bigfoot – I mean hubby – took a shower…its his chest hair. JUST KIDDING! People, I have NEVER met Marinka or stayed at her LOVELY home in NYC! She’ll probably delete this comment anyway. Great post, Marinka!

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Monster Dude April 6, 2010 at 11:15 am

The beginning of the post sounds like a Russian novel, when you start reading it and just know that it will never be finished…..

Yes we live in the capital of Universe of the Unwanted Hair.

I believe that you forgot to mention the children table manners.

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Karen at French Skinny April 6, 2010 at 11:20 am

I thought the hair on the soap thing was like saying “I love your soap! Look at how much!”
I have much to learn.

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alexandra
Twitter:
April 6, 2010 at 11:49 am

This is going up on my guest bathroom wall.

They need to know it more than I do. (smirk)

Hilarious. Sounds like “life lessons learned the hard way.”

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Melanie April 6, 2010 at 12:54 pm

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Ahh, this is fantastic. Really made my morning- thanks for the laugh, from one mum to the next.

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Tiffany April 6, 2010 at 1:19 pm

pubes on the guest soap? definitely not. but what about on other surfaces throughout the shower? circling the drain, perhaps…

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SoccerMom April 6, 2010 at 1:28 pm

This saying should be allowed in all homes, that have men it with with an unusal amount of chest hair that looks like pubic hair. EWWWWWWWWW Gross!

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I'm Nate's Mom April 7, 2010 at 9:08 am

Not to mention back hair . . .

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reiven April 6, 2010 at 1:31 pm

“Apparently “I don’t know if I’m going through menopause or am just batshit psycho at this point,” is not the ice breaker that you may think it is.” I LOVE this line! Classic. Marinka, you rock!

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peajaye
Twitter:
April 6, 2010 at 2:56 pm

#10. seems pointed at husbandrinka. yet he doesn’t read the blog, does he? perhaps you are planning to print out this post and leave it under a half-eaten bagel in your fruit basket?

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kiki
Twitter:
April 6, 2010 at 3:03 pm

#4 and #6 fo sho. #10 is my biggest pet peeve. EVER. hair left on anything, really. thanks for including it in your post and spreading the word on what a “no-no” that is.

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Erin Im Gonna Kill Him
Twitter:
April 6, 2010 at 3:33 pm

Oh good, I thought offering to leave the kids overnight in the car was a red flag, but now I know it’s the socially acceptable thing to do. I feel like sending this list to The Barefoot Contessa in hopes that she might invite me to come out and spend a little quality time with her and that POS Jeffrey.

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magpie April 6, 2010 at 5:33 pm

Are you inviting me to your dacha? I’ll behave!

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the mama bird diaries
Twitter:
April 6, 2010 at 10:29 pm

excellent advice. i can’t wait to be invited to your apartment.

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Gayle April 7, 2010 at 10:15 am

I just found your blog. It’s hysterical. (Tho I am not surprised, if you are friends with ShallowGal, who cracks me up on a daily basis.)

I am going back and forth on whether I should read Elegance of the Hedgehog. Worth it?

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JennyMac
Twitter:
April 7, 2010 at 1:07 pm

LOVE this..and to #6, please add: weather. LOL. Or, I can just tell my Father since he is the only one who does that.

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GrandeMocha
Twitter:
April 7, 2010 at 10:27 pm

My girlfriend is going to Hawaii & leaving her kids with me. Can I make them sleep in the car? What if it is in a garage? Michigan Aprils are so unpredictable, weather wise.

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Megan@SortaCrunchy April 23, 2010 at 3:44 pm

I’m here via my friend Hollywood Housewife, and I have to say I am so thankful for tip #7. I really DO think I’m starting to go through menopause (because I have been feeling really, really crazy), and yet when I bring this up in conversation, people tend to flinch. Or blanch. Or wince. Anyway. That is evidently a tip that is good to know beyond the rules of house-guesting.

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the BLAH BLAH BLAHger
Twitter:
April 23, 2010 at 5:15 pm

Did NOT see #10 coming. Hilarious! ; )

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