How to Have a Nervous Breakdown: Part One

by Marinka on April 7, 2009

Prelude to a Nervous Breakdown

1. On Sunday morning, Husbandrinka says that he will take the kids to the lake house so that you can have the day to relax.

2. Relax mentally, that is, while you clean the apartment.

3. Bid everyone farewell, while sort of thinking that wouldn’t it be something if Husbandrinka was really going to take the kids to meet his new girlfriend.

4. Look at the apartment to assess the cleaning that has to be done.

5. Consider applying for federal disaster relief aid.

6. Read a few blogs to prepare self for cleaning.

7. Read every single blog ever written.

8. Write a blog post about how the recession is forcing you to clean.

9. Wait for faithful readers to volunteer their cleaning services.

10. Realize that “faithful readers” are really “self-centered parasites”.

11. Seethe and fume. Resign self to cleaning.

12. Go to Young Ladrinka’s room and look under his bed.

13. Feel blood rushing to head.

14. Pull out coffin-sized box of Thomas the tank engine wooden trains, part of the Thomas the Tank Engine Railroad system.

15. Experience flashbacks of 3 year old Young Ladrinka screaming for a “new twain!!!!” at the toy store.

16. Experience flashback of 4 year old Young Ladrinka begging for “just one more train, to complete my collection” at the toy store.

17. Decide it’s time to get rid of the trains.

18. Decide to list trains on ebay.

18. Open coffin. Start counting the trains. Stop at 60. Be unable to continue.

19. Decide to list the entire fucking thing on Craigslist.

20. Write loving Craigslist ad, asking people to make best offer for the whole thing. State that there are over 100 trains. Come close to begging.

21. Sit back and fantasize about spending the new-found money.

22. Like maybe on sensitivity training for “faithful readers”.

23. Or a cleaning person.

24. A new wardrobe, perhaps?

24. Become concerned of need to add hand job to the Craigslist Thomas trains ad to finance this.

25. Clean the toilet and feel confident that soon the sale of the Thomas trains will happen and that nothing could possibly go wrong…

Tomorrow on Motherhood in NYC: Something Goes Wrong.

One year ago ...

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