How To Succeed in Blogging

by Marinka on December 16, 2010

Look, there’s tons of advice on the internet about how to succeed in blogging and most of it is along the lines of “write quality content” and “be interesting.” Thanks a lot. Yes, and to be a model, become really gorgeous.

I’m on it.

But I’m here to give you some real advice that you can take to the blog bank.

You need to get a dog.

And you need to name him some derivative of Charles.

Don’t believe me?

I present my evidence.

Finslippy has Charlie.

charlie finslippy 300x199 How To Succeed in Blogging

GET ME OFF THIS BLOG! GET ME OFF THIS BLOG RIGHT NOW!

and an upcoming book. And Redbook.

The Pioneer Woman has Charlie.

Charlie Pioneer Basset 300x200 How To Succeed in Blogging

We are not amused.

and a book. And an empire.

Dooce has Chuck. And some other dog, but CHUCK!

Dooce has a book. An please don’t make me list everything else that Dooce has.

Moving right along.

Marinka has Nicki.

amputee 300x225 How To Succeed in Blogging

I'm not really an amputee, this is just my sympathy pose

Marinka does not have a book. Although no need to feel sorry for Marinka, because today Marinka discovered that she has this:

IMG00697 20101216 2117 11 300x225 How To Succeed in Blogging

What? Oh, that’s just a little cup that Young Ladrinka made a few years ago and now uses as a receptacle for his chewed gum because walking fifty feet from his room to the nearest garbage can is just too much.

Although to be fair, Marinka doesn’t have it, her son does. But maybe he’ll let Marinka borrow it?

Charlies’ photos by permission of Finslippy and The Pioneer Woman.

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five foolproof ways to win at blogging | She Suggests
September 1, 2011 at 2:48 pm

{ 41 comments… read them below or add one }

anymommy December 16, 2010 at 10:26 pm

You’ve cracked it. And dammit I missed my chance. I have Hampton Noodle and a ruined front door and a missing baseboard.

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tracey December 16, 2010 at 10:26 pm

Ahhhh…. Ok. A dog. Right on that.

Gad, between you and the kids, people are pushing this canine idea really hard onto me. Eventually, I’m gonna cave. I can feel it. Damn.

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Marinka December 17, 2010 at 10:10 am

Tell your kids they owe me. Big. (They know about my Amazon wish list, right?)

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TripleZmom
Twitter:
December 16, 2010 at 10:28 pm

Even our fish died. No wonder I don’t have an empire.

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Holly December 16, 2010 at 10:30 pm

I guarantee you that a book deal is in your future – with or without a dog.

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alimartell
Twitter:
December 16, 2010 at 10:30 pm

Dammit. I wish I had known this before I named our dog Indiana.

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By Word of Mouth
Twitter:
December 16, 2010 at 10:31 pm

Well, I have a dog, and no book and no Empire so I must truly suck.
On the other hand, I also have two cats, a rabbit, 2 turtles, fish, crayfish, 2 kids that I homeschool, a husband that travels and a huge fucking house that does not in fact clean itself … so I don’t have the time to write anything worth reading.
Maybe I should find a home for the dog, her worth is wasted here …

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Ann
Twitter:
December 16, 2010 at 10:39 pm

I’m forwarding this post to my husband who wants to know why my 3 month old blog only has 5 readers! Yes we need a puppy.

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MFA Mama
Twitter:
December 16, 2010 at 10:40 pm

I’m totally changing Bumpus’s name. HEEEEERE, CHARLIE!

He *totally* perked his ears!

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the mama bird diaries
Twitter:
December 16, 2010 at 10:45 pm

Forget the dog. And the book deal. That cup is filled with gum???

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deborah l quinn
Twitter:
December 16, 2010 at 11:05 pm

I think the gumcup is worth a book deal. Totally. You could call it “gumcuppy,” or “gumward ho” or something like that. You might have to share profits with Ladrinka, but you could tell him that you’ve put his profits into a college fund, and “accidentally” put the money into your wallet for important stuff, like shoes and liquor.

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Libby December 16, 2010 at 11:17 pm

Maybe you could mold the gum into a dog, and call him Chip.

Yeah, I’m reaching. Probably because my dog’s name is Sally.

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annie December 16, 2010 at 11:32 pm

Cool – so glad I have Sadie!!!Maybe there’s hope for me yet?
By the way, that cup looks like it’s full of tiny body parts. That’s not good.

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alexandra
Twitter:
December 17, 2010 at 2:00 am

How to be successful in blogging: be kind and genuine and approachable, like Motherhood in NYC.

That really is it.

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Donna December 17, 2010 at 3:59 am

We only just got a puppy, but your advice is too late: we’ve already named him Yogi. Perhaps I’ll switch his blog name to Up-chuck (not a wild stretch), and watch the fame and fortune roll right in.

(p.s. Yogi seems to enjoy pre-chewed gum. Perhaps we can work some sort of deal, here?)

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Kristina December 17, 2010 at 4:39 am

Well I got a dog, no book and still to come empire. hahaha you’re hilarious!

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From Belgium December 17, 2010 at 6:08 am

mmmmmhhh, I ‘ve got a cat called Atilla. What do you think ? Empire worthy?

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hoodyhoo December 17, 2010 at 6:46 am

The cat’s name is Calpurnia, but the boyfriend’s nom-de-blog is Chuckweasel… maybe half-credit? I can hit him with a newspaper if it helps.

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Kim - Mommycosm
Twitter:
December 17, 2010 at 7:49 am

Oh, crap. Looks like I’ll never succeed in blogging. Re: I can’t call my dog Charlie because it’s already my son’s name.

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hokgardner
Twitter:
December 17, 2010 at 8:33 am

As much as I’d like to get more than 30 readers a day, I’m still not getting my kids the puppy they keep asking for.

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Hamlet's Mistress December 17, 2010 at 8:48 am

Now that you’ve deemed my basset Wilma and my basset/beagle Morgan virtually worthless in the virtual world I guess they’ll have to go. If they can’t earn their keep, they’ll have to hit the road. But Wilma dances… so maybe she can stay. Morgan just tears things up. If I ever complete a book, she’ll just eat it. Yeah… I think she’s got to go. I never knew my DOGS were the reason I’m not successful.

I always just thought it was my laziness. I’m actually relieved to know that’s not the case.

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Laurin
Twitter:
December 17, 2010 at 8:57 am

Your son has given you an interactive, cutting-edge art installment in your own home. How many famous bloggers have that?

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JustMom420zaks
Twitter:
December 17, 2010 at 9:10 am

How about renaming my female cat?
Because I could really use a book deal right now.
I used to have a bubblegum edifice balanced atop a jewelery box… but that was baseball season. And yes, my mother does still take anti-psychotics, nearly 20 years later, why do you ask?

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Wendi
Twitter:
December 17, 2010 at 9:55 am

What about if I just stop shaving & rename myself Charles?

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Karen at French Skinny December 17, 2010 at 9:57 am

Excellent advice as usual, Madam Marinka.
Ernie’s the only dog I know that actually likes posing for pictures with a reindeer hat on and I already decided my next dog will be named Dave. So there’s no hope for me.

xoxo

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Always Home and Uncool
Twitter:
December 17, 2010 at 10:07 am

I have officially renamed Murphy, “Sir Charles Chuck Charlie Chuckles Chas Chuckie Barkley Esq.”

I’ll give you a credit on the acknowledgment page, sweetie.

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CoftheU December 17, 2010 at 10:27 am

OMG. I thought it was a cup of severed fingers and toes. How big are the wads of gum YL chews anyway? Holy cow cuds, Batman!

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Megan
Twitter:
December 17, 2010 at 10:33 am

*changing both dog’s names* Chuck and Charlie? Chaz?

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CSY December 17, 2010 at 10:43 am

So THAT’S why Random House isn’t calling! I guess I’ll NEVER be famous now! Can’t have pets at my house – landlord rules. Plus, with 3 kids and a husband, I really don’t have a LOT of time to fill everyone in on how funny my family is…oh well!

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elizabeth-flourish in progress
Twitter:
December 17, 2010 at 10:54 am

I like your resourceful child. Not lazy, just very, very clever.

I suddenly have a deep desire to visit my local pet shop.

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Jane December 17, 2010 at 11:03 am

YOU are so right!
I have chickens, horses and cats………no dog.
I only have like 7 followers………and Marinka is not one of them…….
just sayin………

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Krissy December 17, 2010 at 11:19 am

Well, I guess I’m screwed since my dog’s name is Bailey. But she would not look like any variation of a Charlie name, anyway. I guess I’ll have to just concentrate really hard on the interesting, content, and being gorgeous parts you mentioned. No sweat!

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Tonya
Twitter:
December 17, 2010 at 12:17 pm

I have a father-in-law named Charlie, you could borrow him. You deserve a book deal. Of course, if you do borrow him, you will need to teach him how to properly use the toilet.

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Becky Mochaface December 17, 2010 at 4:09 pm

I have a dog. But his name is Cooper. I guess that means I won’t succeed in blogging. Whatever that looks like.

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Becky Mochaface December 17, 2010 at 4:10 pm

I forgot to add… meh. Oh well. I guess I’ll just keep on keepin on instead.

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Alexandria
Twitter:
December 17, 2010 at 5:38 pm

i’ll never succeed at blogging because i am not a dog person. and even if i was i wouldn’t name em charlie. shit. there goes my book deal

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Ann's Rants
Twitter:
December 17, 2010 at 7:17 pm

A cup of scar tissue! How welcoming.

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dusty earth mother December 17, 2010 at 11:29 pm

Seeing that cup o’ gum wads was my favorite part of today.

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Bitchin Amy
Twitter:
December 18, 2010 at 4:01 pm

I’ve buried this advice deep in my subconscious so when we finally get the puppy we have been yearning for, for what seems like eons, I will remember to name it Chuck. Or Charlie. Or, God help me for even saying this out loud, Chaz. Or Chazzers. Ok, maybe I’ll just resign myself to being not so successful and empire-less.

Though I have been very keen on creating a dynasty lately. Ever since seeing the Kardashian Christmas photo and deciding that I needed one, too, in case you were wondering….

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Mama Bub December 18, 2010 at 11:01 pm

WE have a Charlie!

Where are my scads of readers and awesome opportunities??

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magpie December 21, 2010 at 4:29 pm

Maybe you need to rename your cat. She could be Charlotte, Charley for short.

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