How To Talk To Your Mom About Her Vagina

by Marinka on April 10, 2011

Remember when you were young? I mean younger! Sheesh, you’re sensitive in your dotage.

But remember when you were younger, like a kid, and your mother had The Talk with you? If you were like me, it was after you read an issue of Cosmopolitan about The Big O and fellatio and you asked your mother what fellatio was (because as a mini Marinka you assumed that the big O was the O at the end of fellatiO) and your mother looked at you and said “penis in mouth. But really, only toothbrush and fork should go in mouth” and you haven’t been the same since?

Well, if you’ve been hoping for revenge ever since, I have some great news for you!

Because I received a pitch from a PR company about the perfect gift for your mother for Mother’s Day.

And I’m going to share it with you, with some helpful annotations.

Life moves too quickly. Help rejuvenate your mom with a day at the spa, indulge her with chocolates and flowers, help her relax and slow down from her fast-paced world full of deadlines, commitments and obligations. And help her be more comfortable with Replens, A Long Lasting Vaginal Moisturizer.

Hi, mom! Happy Mother’s Day! I love you. Thank you for giving me life. Hey, speaking of life, ha ha, ever notice how it moves so quickly? Wow, time sure flies! Here, sit down. No, nothing’s wrong. I just wanted to chat. About that Atacama Desert that you call your vagina.

We all know how busy a mom’s life can be but this Mothers Day take time to educate your mom about the treatment options available for vaginal dryness. Nearly every woman will experience vaginal dryness sometime in her life, oftentimes making even daily activities unbearable. It is most often associated with the normal decline or fluctuation of the female hormone estrogen. This fluctuation can be triggered by childbirth, breastfeeding or menopause. Dryness can also be caused by stress, certain medications, or excessive exercise.

Don’t worry, mom! You’re not alone. Here, I made a Power Point presentation for you. VAGINAL DRYNESS is nothing to be ashamed about? No, I’m not yelling. I’m speaking in a normal voice about VAGINAL DRYNESS to make sure you understand that it’s not a subject of shame.

Anyway, so VAGINAL DRYNESS is nothing to be ashamed about. Here are some causes– childbirth, breastfeeding, well, I think we can safely eliminate those, eh? Looks like that leaves us with MENOPAUSE. Well, stress, too, apparently. Haha, looks like all the stress of your telling me what I’m doing wrong with my kids is catching up, eh, mom?

Oh, here are some chocolates.

Estrogen free, Replens Long Lasting Vaginal Moisturizer goes to work immediately to provide soothing and long lasting moisture. As the cells of the vaginal wall are regenerated, dry cells are cleared and Replens is eliminated naturally. As with dry skin on your face and hands, regular moisturizing treatment may be necessary to prevent dryness from recurring.

Yeah, so it works like the face moisturizer. Except for your vagina. Like Oil of Vajay. It will moisturize your vagina and leave it as smooth as a baby’s bottom. And minimize your vagina’s laugh lines.

Mom! Where are you going?

This post could not have been written without the loving support of DebontheRocks and TwentyFourAtHeart who provided me with triage when I received the initial pitch or Mom 101 who bravely wrote about this pitch last week, nor Kelcey and her well-rested breasts.

One year ago ...

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Automating Twitter | — Momcomm
May 16, 2011 at 12:08 am

{ 32 comments… read them below or add one }

K-Line April 10, 2011 at 10:12 am

I spit my coffee out at “Oil of Vajay”. Genius, hilarious post. Really scary topic.


April 10, 2011 at 12:59 pm

I snorted at “Oil of Vajay”! Good times!


April 10, 2011 at 10:17 am

I sure hope this was a sponsored post. You deserve cash.


Stephanie Smirnov
April 10, 2011 at 10:32 am

If “Oil of Vajay” starts trending I swear I’ll never speak to you again. Though as I think about it, gives my client — OLAY — the chance to do an interesting hashtag hijack. Oh the hilarity.


Daddy Files April 10, 2011 at 10:32 am

As a man I know not the horrors of vaginal dryness. But your sense of humor is as dry as the Sahara and I love it. This was fantastic.


April 10, 2011 at 10:42 am

I think we’ve got a new Mother’s Day tradition round these part!

(Ha. She said “parts.”)


anymommy April 10, 2011 at 11:15 am

I haven’t been the same since I read that first paragraph. Will they send you a sample to review? No. NO! Never mind. I don’t think I could take that post.


April 10, 2011 at 11:46 am

Waiting for awesome dude’s take on it. Not about the Oil of Vajay, but the moral implications off course.


Finn April 10, 2011 at 11:59 am

Does Hallmark make a card for this?

For A Very Special Mother… With A Very Special Problem.

Hey Mom – I Wrecked Your Vagina And Now I’d Like To Fix It.

Mom – You Are Always Taking Care Of Others, Now Let Someone Take Care Of Your Vagina.


awesome dude April 10, 2011 at 12:50 pm

A fountain of perpetual vaginal youth………


The ZB
April 10, 2011 at 5:03 pm

*giggle/snort* I can definitely imagine sitting my mom down for a nice lunch at her favorite restaurant and *not yelling* about treatment for her vaginal dryness. Of course, she would likely thank me for the excuse to give her cootch a “regular moisturizing treatment.” Yeah, my childhood was disturbing…


Ann's Rants
April 10, 2011 at 10:12 pm

Oil of vajay.

I’d say LOL but it’s my vagina so VOL


April 10, 2011 at 10:31 pm

If my kids get me this, they’re being sent to a wilderness camp for the rest of their lives.


dusty earth mother April 10, 2011 at 10:42 pm

I’m in pain, Marinka. Seriously, this post was so genius that I am in literal pain. That Atacama Desert you call your vagina. Ow ow ow. The pain of laughing so hard that no sound comes out.


Liz @ PeaceLoveGuac
April 10, 2011 at 11:08 pm

This made me cackle so much I need Botox for my vagina laugh lines!


annie April 10, 2011 at 11:18 pm

Omg – i leave for a week and this is what happens? Oil of Vajay and fountain of perpetual vaginal youth. Oy!


April 11, 2011 at 12:34 am

Hahahah *choked on breakfast laughing* 😀


the mama bird diaries
April 11, 2011 at 12:40 am

Finally, a real gift instead of stupid mother’s day flowers. My vagina feels better already. My favorite… “I just wanted to chat. About that Atacama Desert that you call your vagina.”


April 11, 2011 at 1:01 am

You got me at ‘vagina’……..


Amelia April 11, 2011 at 1:56 am

Awe. Some.


Lady Jennie April 11, 2011 at 4:43 am

This post made me laugh so hard. My first “talk” with my mom was about like that. Had read some magazine, asked what oral sex was, got the huge mom blush as she muttered “it’s when you use your mouth” as she was running out of the room.


From Belgium April 11, 2011 at 7:06 am

Why limit it to your mother? Include the childeren! So that they can be forewarned. It is never to early to start right…


Sophie@Fabrications April 11, 2011 at 9:15 am

Oil of vajay? I laughed so hard my tits fell off.


April 11, 2011 at 9:51 am

I swear, “Oil of Vajay” made me about choke on a swallow of coffee. I got that email too but I didn’t think of it as the comedy gold you’ve turned it into 🙂


b a seagull
April 11, 2011 at 12:12 pm

Thanks for the heads (?) up.


April 11, 2011 at 12:50 pm

This is fabulous. Too bad Mother’s Day is over for us Brits, think how much happiness I could have brought to my mother on her special “will you just shut up and never speak of this to me” again day.


Twenty Four At Heart April 11, 2011 at 1:28 pm

Worst PR pitch I’ve ever gotten. Well, except the next day is was followed up by one asking if I’d like to be a condom tester. Not even joking!
Just your line Oil of VaJay beats the entire post I wrote about this PR pitch


The Flying Chalupa
April 11, 2011 at 5:59 pm

The Atacama desert? Oil of Vajay? You’re on fire here, Marinka! This was HILARIOUS.

Really, I think you should share the power point with all of us.

And also? I’m scarred by your mother’s definition of fellatio as well.


Cool Dad
April 11, 2011 at 10:40 pm

I’m always short on gift ideas. Thanks!!


Erin I'm Gonna Kill Him
April 12, 2011 at 10:41 pm

The name Replens sounds like a disease you need a medicating balm for. I guess it is the medicating balm…for vaginal dryness.

Thanks to your mother, I now have oral dryness.


April 13, 2011 at 2:25 am


“that desert you call your vagina.”

Oh my gosh.


Noelle April 28, 2011 at 9:37 pm

I will never be the same again.


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