I got your abortion and your Hitler, right here!

by Marinka on August 15, 2010

I am telling mama about a conversation that I had with gay John and she is outraged.

“You are a private person,” she says. “Why must you tell him about your genitals?”

To be fair, I don’t tell John about my genitals (mostly because he asked me not to) I merely mentioned in passing that I had an annual appointment with my gynecologist and he said, “for the D&C?” and I said, “no, a pap smear” and he said “isn’t a D&C the same thing as a pap smear?” and I said, “no, dumbass, a D&C is an abortion” and he said, “are you sure?” and I said, “yes,” and then he seemed sad, so I said, “why? Why do you care? Did your mother used to say ‘I should have had a D&C?” and he said, “no, not at all,” but he still looked pensive, but maybe he was just thinking.

Who knows, but it’s not like I’m having an intimate discussion about my gynecological woes with gay John. Obviously I save this kind of stuff for my blog.
Mama disapproves of it anyway, of course, and it reminds her of everything that is wrong with America today.

“The country has gone crazy,” mama tells me and starts enumerating the complaints she wants to lodge against it. Like why those Armenian whores, the Kardashians, have their own TV show. And why Bruce Jenner, who was a nice boy, an athlete, now looks like a lesbian, and don’t get mama wrong, she is all for metrosexuals, but not to this extreme, there has to be moderation.

Then mama turns into Rush Limbaugh and wants to know why Obama wants to have a mosque near Ground Zero and why he doesn’t just erect a monument to Hitler in its place and call it a day.

And there we are. You know that you’ve had a fantastic conversation with your mother when you’ve covered abortions and Hitler in the span of ten minutes. And it wasn’t even Mother’s Day!

P.S. If you feel gynecologically invested in my story, my appointment is on Monday, so I have to squeeze in all my pre-appointment panic in quickly. What if something’s wrong? What if I have, as John calls it, cervical wretch? I ran this by papa and he said, “well, good news is that you can’t die young.” Which is more less good news and more obnoxious news. In other news, John told me that he’s considering becoming a junior gynecologist and I think I’m supposed to ask my gynecologist if he hosts apprentices.

I predict that conversation will go well.

One year ago ...

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{ 28 comments… read them below or add one }

Ann's Rants August 15, 2010 at 8:22 pm

Awesome Trump spinoff


fuck yeah, motherhood!
August 15, 2010 at 8:25 pm

I hope the statue of Hitler is made of solid gold. Or solid milk chocolate.


dar August 15, 2010 at 8:27 pm

Wow, I miss those “MoM’ conversations big time… yep I too have had some Linda Blair conversations!

YOU will be Fine…hate those appts. too. We are all here in Support for going and the comings : -))


anymommy August 15, 2010 at 8:30 pm

Why don’t they just erect a statue to Hitler at ground zero? And Mussolini and Pol Pot and Papa Doc. It could be like Mount Rushmore. Except different.


sarah August 15, 2010 at 8:33 pm

I’m dying @ those Armenian whores. LOL

Mom sounds like a hoot.


Rene Foran August 15, 2010 at 8:43 pm

Papa is hysterical.
Kind of glass half broken guy, no?



deborah quinn
August 15, 2010 at 9:00 pm

you have a really interesting life and you’re SO helpful: just think about what a faux pas gay John could’ve made in conversation, mixing up D&C with pap smears. Poor guy, never to know the joy of the speculum. Maybe a sculpture of a speculum at ground zero. Maybe THAT could resolve the issue? Nah, I can hear all the Hannitys and Limbaughs arguing that because so many MEN died in 9/11, a sculpture that relates to WOMEN would be really insulting.


A Mom on Spin August 15, 2010 at 9:19 pm

Mama always did know best. . .


Ella August 15, 2010 at 9:32 pm

Damn it all to hell: I so need a gay boyfriend.
You’d think they wouldn’t be so hard to find.

You are right and John is wrong.
so there.


anna see August 15, 2010 at 10:05 pm

you and mama sure cover some ground.


August 15, 2010 at 10:46 pm

omg. I have the gyno tomorrow too! We’re vagina twins Marinka!


dusty earth mother August 15, 2010 at 11:05 pm

“the good news is you can’t die young”. I love me some Papa.


August 15, 2010 at 11:40 pm

Cannot wait to see the hits that come from google searches on Hitler and abortion.


Jeanne August 16, 2010 at 7:51 am

How do you manage to be funny every single day? (Except on the rare days when you decide not to be.)


Kate Coveny Hood
August 16, 2010 at 8:21 am

Your Papa is always looking for the silver lining…. I will remember that gem next time I obsess over my own mortality.


the mama bird diaries
August 16, 2010 at 1:16 pm

Hope all went well at the GYN. I can only assume that you bring your mother along?


Heather, Queen of Shake Shake August 16, 2010 at 1:17 pm

But I’m confused, John. I didn’t think you cared for vaginas?


Sophie@Fabrications August 16, 2010 at 1:52 pm

Today, I prefer Mama to Papa.
Also, mine is next Monday, but there’s nothing to fear except the prescription for iron pills. YUCK.


I'm Nate's Mom August 16, 2010 at 2:03 pm

My father-in-law will tell you that if you want to know what’s wrong with America today, just watch Judge Judy. Then you’ll see why America’s going down the tubes. I’m sure he doesn’t even know who the Kardashians are . . .


Antonia August 16, 2010 at 2:20 pm

Note: D&C is also performed after a miscarriage, basically cleaning out your inside va-JJ walls just in case something left behind- to prevent infection, how do I know- had it done after my miscarriage!

So maybe John isn’t a dumb-ass, now maybe you have an answer to his perplexed expression? IDK…


Antonia August 16, 2010 at 2:21 pm

Note: D&C is also performed after a miscarriage, basically cleaning out your inside va-JJ walls just in case something left behind- to prevent infection, how do I know- had it done after my miscarriage!

So maybe John isn’t a dumb-ass, now maybe you have an answer to his perplexed expression? IDK…


tracey August 16, 2010 at 7:36 pm

Oh shit, I am snorting on my Long Island Iced Tea (from a plastic bottle!) over the “you can’t die young” line.

Hope all your parts are in order.


Gretchen August 17, 2010 at 2:28 am

One year when Mama came out to LA for Thanksgiving, I invited a German friend of mine to join us. Mama managed to mention the Nazis THREE times during the meal. At least she didn’t bring up pelvic exams.


Kate Shields
August 17, 2010 at 11:10 am

At least you can level with her … I can’t even tell my mother about my blog or she’d say “Great, just open your life to the child molesters. I’ll call Brian Hansen of ‘Dateline: To Catch a Predator’ now and tell him to send them all your way!”


Robin Dodd
August 17, 2010 at 2:00 pm

LOL…that made me laugh out loud, as your video..LOL


August 17, 2010 at 3:17 pm

My mother, a former nurse, referred to a “D&C” as ” a dusting and cleaning”. Funny. Or not.

I am sickened at the thought of a Mosque at Ground Zero, but maybe if one is built there, those fucking terrorist wastes of flesh will never bomb there again (may they all burn in hell for eternity). Just a thought.

My husband says “we” should all pool our money and outbid the current bidder on the land. It’s a disgrace that No-bama is allowing this.


Abasee August 17, 2010 at 7:43 pm

A D&C is not an abortion, it is a scraping of the uterus to remove any number of problems, whether it be a partially miscarried baby, or simply un-sloughed off tissue from periods gone by. Women have them all the time to resolve bleeding and fertility issues.


Stephanie Smirnov
August 20, 2010 at 10:47 am

“Bruce Jenner looks like a lesbian.”
I am dying a thousand deaths. Too hilarious.


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