If You See Me in an Elevator

by Marinka on January 15, 2010

I am totally fine riding up, or down, for that matter, in silence.  When one of us enters, we can nod and smile and sometimes say “hi”.  There is absolutely no need for small talk. If we don’t exchange pleasantries beyond the how’s everything-fine thanks, it absolutely does not mean that either one of us is a sociopath, harboring sex slaves in our respective apartments.

Silence is golden, after all.  Smalltalk, on the other hand, is not golden.  It’s the whatever is the opposite of golden.  For simplicity’s sake, le’ts say it’s covered in fecal matter.

But if you absolutely must engage me in smalltalk in the elevator, dear God, please let it not be about the weather.  Because there is absolutely nothing that you can say to  me about the weather that I haven’t already heard.  And from this point forward, I will refuse to humor you.

But one last time, yes, it is cold enough out there for me, it certainly is some weather we’re having, so cold, very brutal, and indeed, the wind does make it worse.  Witch’s tit, yes, exactly, colder than!   Of course, who wouldn’t agree that the snow is so pretty coming down, magnificent, really, but it soon just turns into a mess and traffic becomes unbearable.  Summer absolutely seem like it was a lifetime ago.  Maybe two lifetimes ago, great point!  Yes, I thought that the cold came really suddenly too.  You’d think we’d be prepared, it’s winter, after all, but definitely caught me off guard as well.  Because we have been lucky, you’re right, with the mild winters, but there’s nothing mild about this.  So cold.  Hate to be outside. Glad to be inside.  It really does feel like spring will never get here, doesn’t it?  Because this elevator ride is lasting an eternity.

One year ago ...

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{ 19 comments… read them below or add one }

barbara sigelbaum
Twitter:
January 15, 2010 at 5:41 pm

Don’t forget, “What global warming?”

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Natalie January 15, 2010 at 7:47 pm

Don’t forget to regale me in your warm-weather vacation plans.

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MommyTime
Twitter:
January 15, 2010 at 9:08 pm

If my phone battery weren’t dead right this minute I’d text you: “where are you now?” And then do that every 6 minutes for the next ten hours — which would totally be more tedious than that elevator conversation and would make you look forward to the next one. I deserve a prize or something for being such a great friend.

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Keyona
Twitter:
January 15, 2010 at 9:13 pm

I despise small talk in small spaces. I try to look like “The Angry Black Woman” and they tend to leave me alone.

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Honey
Twitter:
January 15, 2010 at 10:09 pm

Its like when people notice that you’re sick, and say ‘Ohh, somethings been going around.’ By far the most pointless comment ever.

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Kate Coveny Hood
Twitter:
January 15, 2010 at 10:31 pm

Sometimes I wonder if everyone gets trained in this weather-small talk thing. I have a very clear memory of being a little girl and thinking that small talk was crazy. I couldn’t understand why anyone would ever want to talk about the rain or heat. Killer bees – sure. Locust clouds – I totally read about that in the Little House series! But, “how about this rain – will it ever end?” Snore. And now I am more than happy to commiserate about icy roads. I’m officially a part of the problem. Am I at least somewhat exonerated by not initiating these elevator conversations?

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vodkamom January 15, 2010 at 11:48 pm

i promise not to look you in the eye.

unless we’re in a gay bar.

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Sophie, Inzaburbs January 16, 2010 at 9:45 am

You caught me. I hate small talk, but I got socialized to make it in the UK, where small talk is weather talk.
If I ever get into an elevator with you, Marinka, I will heave a great sigh of relief and rejoice in the fact that I don’t have to go through the usual stress and blurt routine (havetosaysomething havetosaysomething “cold out isn’t it!”)

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Lady Ashfield January 16, 2010 at 10:19 am

you Marinka, will always be the daffodil to my bleak Winter & Russian like exsitence.
Now how is that for a comment?? Better than you’ll be my flowering labia- no?? I think i may be getting this commenting shit down.
Above the belt…above the belt..above the belt….much like elevator rides…do not make eye contact…do not make eye contact.
signed with love,
Lady Ashfield

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Elisa
Twitter:
January 16, 2010 at 10:55 am

So, to summarize:
– small talk is covered in shit
– the weather sucks but talking about it sucks even more.

I bet climbing several flights of stairs is sounding pretty damn good right about now.

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Happy Hour Sue January 16, 2010 at 12:52 pm

bwahahahahahahaha that’s hilarious. Can you also do one about being ‘ready for christmas’?

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heytheredearheart January 16, 2010 at 7:58 pm

Your weather elevator conversations remind me of most of my conversations with the men in my extended family over age 50.

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anymommy January 16, 2010 at 10:50 pm

Labia. Alcoholicrinkas. What’s the weather like over there in the Big Apple?

Just trying to see if I can get myself blocked. It feels like all your real friends get blocked.

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SweetPeaSurry
Twitter:
January 17, 2010 at 3:23 am

I find it handy to have my nose buried in a paperbook novel before the elevator doors close. It discourages most conversations, there are those nervous nellies that will in fact interrupt your reading time to engage in ‘small talk’. When they do that, I point out that I’m reading … by literally pointing avidly at the book with my index finger … smile, nod and go back to reading. I often feel superior or smug, unless I’m reading “everybody poos”.

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Pseudo January 17, 2010 at 12:39 pm

You should come over here for a visit. No one talks about the weather, but they might mention the waves….

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Birdie January 17, 2010 at 12:48 pm

Also, the just-returned-from-warm-weather-vacation lament: “We just returned from 2 weeks in (insert luxurious Carribean destination) and it’s been SO hard adjusting to this weather! March and our trip to (luxurious Carribean destination) can’t get here soon enough!” I like to imagine there was a bedbug infestation to welcome their return.

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Heather (qtberryhead) January 17, 2010 at 2:31 pm

I find a nice offhanded comment like “I’m glad it’s snowing. I was running out of room in my freezer for the severed heads. It’s so convenient to be able to put them on the patio until I get around to stewing them.”
The elevator ride ends in no time. Even if it’s just them leaving at the next available floor.

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the mama bird diaries
Twitter:
January 17, 2010 at 11:19 pm

oh gosh, I hate elevator small talk. I’d rather be trampled by someone’s massive, untrained lab in an elevator.

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Loukia January 18, 2010 at 12:01 pm

Ahhh loved this! I totally agree. I hate small talk in elevators. I actually don’t want to talk to people I don’t know AT ALL. Unless like, something funny happens, but rarely is that the case. And weather talk… lame…

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