Kiwis and Hedgehogs

by Marinka on February 13, 2010

Which do you prefer, kiwis or hedgehogs?
What, not obvious?
Let me back up.

Husbandrinka and my stepson are off to North Carolina this weekend to visit my in-laws, so on Friday afternoon, mama and papa picked up me and the kids and Nicki and we drove to the dacha. Fortunately, there was tons of traffic, so a three hour car ride was transformed into a four and a half hour one. I am all set with blogging material for the foreseeable future.

I was sitting in the backseat, trapped on either side by the kids, telling mama and papa about the blogging world and how much everyone loves them.

“Do you still have the advice site?” Papa asked.
“Yes, The Mouthy Housewives,” I proudly told him.
“What is this? You are giving advice?” Mama asked and sort of chuckled. With pride and happiness, no doubt. “I’m afraid to ask topic.”
“Don’t be afraid, mama,” I told her. “Any topic! Relationships, marriages, career-”
“Sex, too?” Mama cut to the chase.
“Absolutely!” I reassured her.
“Well, here’s one for you. Because Liza called me the other day with dilemma. I am in my sixties, she is in her fifty and this is becoming international incident, we are both confused.”
Liza is my mother’s sister, and lives in Leningrad.
The dilemma is that Liza has a friend whose new boyfriend shaves his balls. The friend has no idea why he does it but it freaks her out. “Why does he do this?” she asks Liza. “They become very prickly, like hedgehogs. And they cut my legs.”
“What the hell is he doing that his testicles are rubbing against her legs?”
“Maybe they are low-hanging,” mama offers, obviously annoyed that I’m missing the point. “Why is he shaving them?”
“I don’t know,” I confess.
“Maybe he thinks that she likes it,” papa says.
“No,” mama says, “She does not likes this. If she likes it, she would be telling Liza in different tone and Liza would be understanding that this is good.”
“I’m not saying that she likes it,” papa explains, “I’m saying that Ball Shaver may think that she likes it, so there is confusion between them.”
“There is confusion between them because he shaves the you know whats and she is confused about why he is doing it. That is confusion. Otherwise, he is very nice person.”
“You can be nice person and a pervert,” papa says.
“No need to be judgmental!” I offer. This is the first sentence that is uttered in English, solely for my children’s benefit. Because even when discussing testicular maintenance, I like to throw nuggets of wisdom my kids’ way.

But of course, it got me thinking. And whenever I start thinking, I google. Because “Google” is the modern day equivalent of putting on a thinking cap. And I found an amazing site, called How To Shave Your Balls. (I totally recommend leaving this website on your laptop when visiting your in-laws. Or having it as a screen saver at work. Instant ice-breaker!)

According to this balls shaving version of Wikipedia, the “why” is that 3 out of 4 women prefer the shaved version. Now, I’m not one to questions scientists and their methodology, but I am really, REALLY curious about this one. The Ball Shaving Website says that women will pay more attention to balls that don’t look like a kiwi, but isn’t a kiwi better than a porcupine?

Do you have any insight into this?

Happy Valentine’s Day!

One year ago ...

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{ 33 comments… read them below or add one }

Amy @ The Bitchin' Wives Club
Twitter:
February 13, 2010 at 11:44 am

What’s funny is that I doubt anywhere across the globe that ANY men are having this same conversation regarding whether or not or why women shave their you-know-whats.

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barbara sigelbaum
Twitter:
February 13, 2010 at 11:55 am

the more i read your blog, the smarter i become. my husband wants to know how, after knowing me for 30 years, i’ve become knowledgeable in the grooming of mashonka. (another thing you taught me)

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Catherine
Twitter:
February 13, 2010 at 1:14 pm

Weirdly, the Bloggess has a “Sexis” column on this one. http://www.edenfantasys.com/sexis/adult-humor/bloggess-penisticle-61891/

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SoccerMom February 13, 2010 at 1:25 pm

One I can’t believe that you can have a conversation with your parents about BALLS, and two I think I personally would prefer a non-hedgehog feel, that is if I were hanging out in the “ball”region.

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Heather (qtberryhead) February 13, 2010 at 3:16 pm

As I write this my husband is at the laser hair center getting his ENTIRE body lasered. Ha!
Women have been trimming the hedges forever…and there is something so priceless and heartwarming about watching your husband shave…his body.
As far as my hubby goes though. He has so much facial hair that he originally started laser just on his neck. He gets really bad ingrown hairs on his legs, so he decided to get those done too…and by the time you start adding it all together it was cheaper to just do it all.
Besides, it makes me smile (when he really irks me) to think that someone gets to take a laser (and lots of KY) to his nether regions. ZAP!
That’s my TMI for the year.

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Alice February 13, 2010 at 4:04 pm

That was completely worth making my old rounds for a visit! And I think my Mom would die before we had a conversation like this. You’re Mom’s so cool.

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MommyTime
Twitter:
February 13, 2010 at 5:42 pm

All I have to add to this debate, since I am sitting next to my three year old and therefore assume that the link is unsafe for current viewing, is a question: do men really want women to “pay more attention to their balls” anyway? And if so, why? Because my understanding was that arousal involved, you know, a sliiightly different part of the anatomy, just a few inches further north.

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deb williams February 13, 2010 at 5:51 pm

first of all, you need to recruit your father as a guest adviser on mouthy. i think he is spot on.

second, i have no insight into this whatsoever. my husband is less hairy than i am. i am definitely the man in the family. that sounds weirder than it is. or maybe i am just paranoid after watching the transgender special on msnbc this afternoon. it was after the women’s bodybuilding special. those women are tan.

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Beth February 13, 2010 at 5:55 pm

I have no insight to this but I thought women focused on the inches part of the nether regions and not on the furry egg things down below.

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peajaye
Twitter:
February 13, 2010 at 6:41 pm

i believe there’s a branch of feminist theory that contends the de-hairing of the nether regions is related to pedophilia – i.e. men like their women to look like 9-year-olds, so that’s what’s behind the whole waxing industrial complex. but this scrotum correlation begs the question: does the same standard apply to women?

personally, i don’t see how people have the time to do any of this – especially if you have kids. i mean, if i can get to the gym AND wash my hair, it’s a good day.

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Angie February 13, 2010 at 6:46 pm

I’m just glad you clarifyied that the converstation took place in Russian because I can only begin to imagine the nightmares I’d’ve had as a child if my mother had discussed ball shaving with my grandmother while sitting next to me during a long commute! (wow, longest sentence ever with a double contraction thrown in just because I know you love them)

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Jennifer, Playgroups are no place for children February 13, 2010 at 6:58 pm

Two comments in one day from me! Do I win a trophy! Actually you deserve the trophy for getting my non-commenting self to get off my proverbial ass and
comment.

So. Balls. I didn’t even really realize my husband balls were hairy. I know it’s hairy DOWN THERE, but it doesn’t bother me. Shave balls would freak me out. They would certainly be porcupine like! There’d be no possible way for them to be smooth like a baby’s butt with a the wrinkles.

Just curious, but HOW does one shave their balls?

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Jennifer, Playgroups are no place for children February 13, 2010 at 7:03 pm

Oh. Nevermind. I just visited the website you linked. Wow.

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Dejoni February 13, 2010 at 7:19 pm

You need to have a giveaway where you allow one lucky reader to come spend the day with your parents because they are hilarious….but I can’t speak Russian, so unless they promise to only speak English, I’m out. If they spoke Russian the whole time, I might get really paranoid like when I’m getting my nails done.
I know those Vietnamese woman say nasty, nasty things about me but that’s a whole different story.
Anyway, I spoke to the troll I sleep with and he informed me that men do this to give the illusion of Big Willie and the Twins being larger than they are….
I let him down gently that the illusion didn’t work.

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Irish Gumbo February 13, 2010 at 8:29 pm

What, no ‘Eggs In A Nest’? No ‘Watermelons In Easter Hay’?

Maybe they could meet in the middle, a sort of ‘Short-haired Cat’ version.

Wait, ‘Short-Haired Cat’…that’s probably more appropriate for the ladies…

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anna see February 13, 2010 at 8:38 pm

kiwi? sounds like prickly pear to me. i don’t think i’d like it.

thanks for clarifying that this convo was in russian. i was a little freaked for the children’s sakes.

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Gretchen February 13, 2010 at 9:08 pm

I’m afraid that this ball shaving thing baffles me. I have had quite a bit of experience with balls (during my more slutty youth), and I have to say that hairy balls is not something that I ever had a problem with. I don’t know, maybe I just happened to date many (many) particularly hairless men, but, I don’t know, I can’t remember anybody who was unpleasantly hairy. Maybe I was just too drunk to remember.

(I feel the need to say that this is all about half serious.) (Or is it?…)

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MommyNamedApril
Twitter:
February 13, 2010 at 9:24 pm

kiwi. totally kiwi.

my husband shaves his chest sometimes because he thinks it makes him look better… all it does is scratch the hell out of me.

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Ashley February 14, 2010 at 1:45 am

I literally just pulled down my husband’s pants because I couldn’t remember what his balls looked like!! To be honest balls aren’t even hairy! Poor thing got so excited then terribly disappointed when I went back to the computer!

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Sophie February 14, 2010 at 1:59 am

Men should have hair on their bodies. I know, I’m being very old-fash here, but hey, it’s my man, which makes it legally my body. Shaved balls freak me out. Shaved faces, on the other hand, are a must.

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Maravonda February 14, 2010 at 8:25 am

I once had an illicit relationship with a beautiful young man who had no need for illusion, but he, too, was, hmmmm…”well groomed”? He told me that most men do this to make the penis look larger. I can’t think of anything funnier to add to that…

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traci February 14, 2010 at 4:12 pm

I am most shocked that in 4 hours of balls shaving convo your kids had nothing to add. Now, THEIR blogs will have fodder for quite some time, no?

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the mama bird diaries
Twitter:
February 14, 2010 at 5:24 pm

I pretend men don’t have balls and leave it at that. Really, I try not to think about them. I mean the penis is enough to contend with – don’t you think?

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kiki
Twitter:
February 14, 2010 at 7:13 pm

i’m on the same page as mama bird. some people hate feet, others hate armpits, i hate balls. i don’t like to look at them, touch them or anything. tuck them away or chop them off. i think papa was right. take care and enjoy your time at the dacha. BTW, why does Nicky go with you? i thought the whole point of cats was that they could be left behind with a litter box, an automatic food and water dispenser. i think Nicky is one lucky cat. i hope she appreciates you and learns to use the potty. take care.

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Margaret (Nanny Goats)
Twitter:
February 14, 2010 at 7:31 pm

I agree with the icky porcupine disadvantage. Can’t they just wax them like we have to do with out bikini lines so as to go DAYS and DAYS before hitting the porcupine stage?

Also? Did your parents really just discuss that in the car in front of you? That’s so awesome.

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Heather, Queen of Shake Shake February 14, 2010 at 9:21 pm

Oh Jesus Christ, help me, I now have visions of Jennifer’s husband with wrinkley balls. OMG. Someone scrub my brain because that’s almost incest.

On a personal note, I don’t care either way about the balls. It’s the surrounding area I want manscaped.

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Crys February 15, 2010 at 9:12 am

WOW!! I can barely talk about sex with my mom and she was THERE when all 3 of my kids were born, so she KNOWS I’m not a virgin anymore – but balls? NEVER gonna do that! You’re SO my hero! A little manscape isn’t wrong, but SHAVED?!?!?! Wouldn’t that hurt if they were cut?

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Phoenix Rising
Twitter:
February 15, 2010 at 3:55 pm

I really shouldn’t read your blog at work. I’m going to get fired. We have a strict “no enjoyment” policy and this blog totally breaks that rule.

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p-huong February 15, 2010 at 10:37 pm

I came here hoping for a post about New Zealand.

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redfox February 15, 2010 at 11:02 pm

I like how in your rendition Papa and especially Mama speak in Russianified English even when it they are revealed actually to be speaking Russian!

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redfox February 15, 2010 at 11:02 pm

Yes, IT THEY.

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what pretty does February 16, 2010 at 4:27 pm

Surrounded by snow, as in escape is futile, I dully remembered to check out my favorite blogger: Marinka. So, I read this one three times. Errr… At risk of sounding like a oversprayed ho downing Peach McCools in a Hyatt, here you go: men like having their balled bits attended to. Like the way you attend to the big bit. Like, it’s ice cream? They think we will do more of this if said bits feel more like silky Gulf shrimp than Olympic knit hats. True of my formers, true of my mad hot husband. My friends say French, Ital, Brits agree. If this is news to you: you have just acquired a Skill. But no to the porcupine thing. Tell him. Cheers.

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Kate Coveny Hood
Twitter:
February 17, 2010 at 7:27 pm

When I saw the title, I immediately thought “Hedgehogs!” I love them. They’re so cute and Hedgie the Hedgehog is one of my few childhood stuffed animals to have survived the genocide known as Spring cleaning. I named him for a much beloved character from Miss Jaster’s Garden – book that I still own and cherish even more for its tatters.

So basically – I just wanted to say thank you for ruining hedgehogs for me.

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