Lag

by Marinka on August 8, 2014

Love stories are so dull. And they’re all almost exactly the same.

Girl meets boy. Girl and boy decide to go to Ireland together in August. Girl realizes boy is bat shit insane. How many times can you hear this story before rolling your eyes and thinking “this again?”

In case it’s new to you, I’ll tell you what happened so you can see my predicament.

A few weeks before we’re supposed to go to Ireland together, he starts this Q&A with me about whether or not I suffer from jet lag when I travel across multiple time zones at the speed of light. Or maybe at a speed of an airplane. So I say “yes” because I’m at the stage of the relationship that I like to call “honesty”. I can’t wait for that stage to be over so we can move into the much more satisfying “mind fuckery.” That’s when he asks you anything at all, like “do you suffer from jet lag?” and you respond with a “what the fuck is that supposed to mean, asshole?!”

I know what you’re thinking and I don’t know how I remained single this long either.

So I say “yes, I suffer from jet lag being a person and all” and it’s like this is the answer he’s been waiting for his whole life.

“I will cure you of this jet lag!” he announces and I immediately get very excited because I figure drugs are involved and who doesn’t love drugs?! If you’ve seen those “this is your brain on drugs” fried egg commercials from the 1980s, you know how delicious they can be.

Anyway, so now I’m excited that I’m going to Ireland with a lot of drugs but he sort of reads my mind and kills my hopes and dreams with a blunt “no drugs” blow to my happiness.

“What the fuck?” I ask, moving seamlessly into a new and exciting stage of our relationship.

And then he says a lot of crazy shit.

Like for ten days before the trip, we have to go to bed two hours earlier and get up two hours earlier in preparation for jet lag avoidance.

Because I haven’t been freebasing heroin for the past ten years, this makes no sense to me. It’s not like jet lag is the leading cause of death among people landing in Dublin.

“What the fuck?” I ask, settling into the new and exciting stage of our relationship for the foreseeable future.

And he explains that if I do this waking up two hours early for ten days before the trip, by the time I land in Ireland, I will be refreshed like a daisy or some other flower known for its freshness and feminine hygiene product reference.

“But won’t I be exhausted for the ten days that I’m waking up at 5?” I asked, cocking my head adorably to the side.

We were talking on the phone, so the adorableness was totally lost on him, as was logic and reason, apparently because he said “no.”

So I made an executive decision. I am not going to do this go to bed at 6 pm and wake up at 4 am nonsense. I am going to keep to my regular sleeping schedule and hope for the best in Ireland. I’m sure they won’t mind tinkering with their national clock to suit me.

I’ll keep you posted.

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{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }

Barbara Sigelbaum
Twitter:
August 8, 2014 at 11:43 am

The question is which concerns him more…your possible discomfort or his having to hear you kvetch?

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Karen August 8, 2014 at 5:03 pm

Damn, I’m taking my husband and daughter to the airport in an hour. They are flying to Dublin tonight. Guess it’s too late for jet lag preparedness. Hopefully the Jameson Distillery Tour will help lessen their “pain”.

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Neil
Twitter:
August 8, 2014 at 7:28 pm

You’re going to have a great time. I’ve heard the Irish have a great gift of gab. Perfect for you.

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deb quinn
Twitter:
August 9, 2014 at 10:05 pm

Okay so that’s just dumb, his plan. And I speak as one who regularly travels across 9 time zones. You need to: set your watch to whatever time it is in Dublin when you get the plane and do whatever one would be doing at that time in Dublin (probably it involves Guinness but whatever): if it’s morning, stay awake; if it’s evening, sleep, even if you’re leaving NYC in the AM. When you get to Dublin do whatever they’re doing in Dublin. Make sure on the landing end you get a lot of sunshine that day b/c sunshine helps re-set the body clock. Then also when none of that effing works, make sure you get a prescription for Lunesta or Sonata before you go: short-term sleeping pills that you take when you wake up at 3AM Dublin time and think I”M AWAKE IT”S MORNING LETS GET BUSY. You take a pill, you go back to sleep for four hours. Then have a Guinness with your morning coffee or tea, and you’ll be all set. have a lovely time. Get one of those nice sweaters.

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Kizz August 11, 2014 at 2:27 pm

I had a friend tell me her non-jet lag plan once and it a. did not take 10 freaking days! and b. worked. For me. Here it is in case it works for you (developed for frequent trips to Paris but I’ve made it work in the UK, too):

Take earliest arriving flight possible.
Sleep on plane if possible.
Arrive.
Set alarm for NO LATER THAN NOON
Go to sleep
Get up when the alarm goes off
Shower (super important for wakey uppiness)
Go about day as though you were just a college student on spring break who gets up at noon every day
Force self to stay awake until at least 10p local time
Continue with vacation in new time zone like a regular human resident of that place.

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Tinne from Tantrums and Tomatoes August 13, 2014 at 4:16 pm

Guinness, I recommend Guinness.

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