Man vs. Beast

by Marinka on July 1, 2010

Things have been in a state of shall we say terror at Casa Marinka for the past few months, and I haven’t wanted to trouble you. Because I know how you worry about me, and if I post that I’m upset, or have a hangnail, the gifts start coming and it’s just embarrassing after a while.

So we have our beloved cat Nicki, who we got after I threw a lot of lies at Husbandrinka.  Nothing out of the ordinary, just the run of the mill “the kids and I will totally take care of the cat” and “you won’t even know she’s here” and “what are you crazy? Of course cats don’t wake up people in the middle of the night! Haha, what kind of a deranged lunatic would come up with that idea? Listen, it’s okay that you asked me, but you shouldn’t even mention that to anyone else, because I’m pretty sure that’s how people get institutionalized!”

For the past few months, Nicki has been scratching at our bedroom door in the middle of the night. I don’t know why.  We live in an apartment, so it’s not like she’s asking to be let out.  She has food, water and WiFi.  WHAT THE FUCK DOES SHE WANT?

The weird thing, though, is that Husbandrinka seems less interested in getting to the bottom of what Nicki truly wants and more interested in making sure that she doesn’t wake him.  Shortsighted, if you ask me, but I took vows.

I’ve been living with extreme stress of trying to wake up at the first scratch, opening the door, telling Nicki that it’s not a good time and then as she stares at me without blinking, grabbing her, walking to my daughter’s room, opening her door and throwing Nicki in. Because my daughter is the one who really wanted the cat.  I think.

So this was going on for a while and everyone was happy.  Well, except for my daughter who seemed to be on the verge of a nervous breakdown-sleep deprivation-type collapse, but kids today, what are you going to do, haha.   So everyone seemed to be happy, but then Husbandrinka hints that he hasn’t been sleeping well because my getting up to answer the door when Nicki scratches has been waking him up.  The  poor dear!

I confided in mama and she told me that I have to get a water bottle and spray Nicki while saying “NO” in a stern voice. Because cats don’t like to be misted, even when it’s very humid out. Really, do you ever see any cats strolling through the perfume section of a department store where the salesladies spritz you with the scent of the day?  I rest my case.

Needless to say, I spend the next few weeks forgetting to buy a spray bottle and then one evening Husbandrinka announces that he’s going to divorce me instantly if I don’t go and buy it that very evening.   And I run to the supermarket (because if he divorces me, I’ll probably have to wax or pretend to like golf or something equally soul numbing) and they don’t have a water bottle, so I go to the drug store and they’re out too, because I’m guessing every cat in New York City is being treated to mama’s sprtizing remedy and now I don’t have a water bottle and my marriage is in crisis.  So I get the next best thing.  A water gun.  Don’t judge me. What choice did I have?

I come home with a water gun and Husbandrinka is all “What’s that?”

Seriously.  I know that toy guns look really realistic these days, but this is a neon green water gun. Or maybe a water rifle, who the hell knows, I’m not Dick Chaney.

I am super proud of myself because I tell Husabndrinka exactly what it is without resorting to Words That Hurt.

Night One:  Husbandrinka loads water gun in preparation.  At 3 am, Nicki scratches on the door.  Husbandrinka opens the door and says, “Nicki, no!  Do not wake us up! No door! No scratch!” I assume that he’s talking to her like this because Nicki is an English-as-a-Second-Language student and not a tabby.  I assume that he squirts her at appropriate times during the discussion.

Night Two: Before heading to bed, Husbandrinka shows Nicki the water gun.  She does not scratch on our door all night.

Night Three:  Nicki scratches on our door.  When Husbandrinka comes out for a tete-a-tete with Nicki, Nicki is not there!  Fume! There is no one to spray.

Night Four: Nicki scratches on our door. Husbandrinka comes out with the water gun, but Nicki is not there! She ran away!  She’s like crank-scratching our door. Husbandrinka can’t take this kind of diss. He wanders around the apartment for a few minutes, neon green water gun in hand, searching for the cat in order to spray her.

He doesn’t find her.

In the morning, he confesses that walking around the apartment at 4 am with a water gun, searching for a cat is not what he likes to do.

There’s just no pleasing some people.

Do you think I can talk him into getting a dog?

One year ago ...

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{ 26 comments… read them below or add one }

amy2boys
Twitter:
July 1, 2010 at 10:36 pm

This is too hilarious. She’s scratching and running – genius!

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marathonmom July 1, 2010 at 10:49 pm

This has gone way too far. H-ka’s passive agressiveness has led you to a life of crime without you even knowing it. I was on the NYC subway last weekend and I saw those signs about toy guns looking like real guns and how you shouldn’t have them on the subway or something like that and I am wondering how you got it home because, your blog clearly shows, that, you are all about the subway. It was sofa king hot there that, I am sure you didn’t walk the whole way. Being a child of the cold war and all.

He needs some ambien CR with maybe a sodium pentathol chaser? Or something like that to make him realize that this is his life – love it or hand over his 401K in small bills.

Good luck to you my friend~

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empress bee (of the high sea) July 1, 2010 at 11:16 pm

cats are so smart! he is no match for her, clearly. it’s all his fault anyway as it is always the guy’s fault, isn’t it? i thought that was the 11th commandment or in the constitution or someplace, maybe it was on a monopoly card but i know i saw it somewhere… just sayin’.

smiles, bee
xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

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rachel July 1, 2010 at 11:51 pm

Why don’t you just leave your bedroom door open slightly?

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Sophie@Fabrications July 2, 2010 at 3:54 am

What I want to know is what have you got to hide? Why are you sleeping with the door closed? What message do you think you’re sending your kids about trust and hiding secrets from your closest family?

Also, I know what Nicki wants. She just wants company. It’s no fun being awake when everybody else is sleeping. Here’s a useful link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w0ffwDYo00Q

You can thank me later with a huge goody basket.

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reiven July 3, 2010 at 1:53 pm

Simon’s cat is funny!

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Coco
Twitter:
July 2, 2010 at 8:01 am

That is way too funny. Obviously Nicki is not one to mess with. She is smart and figured out your game plan on the first night. She lulled you into a false sense of “we taught her” contentment on the second night. After that you were just screwed….LOL.

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Jesssica July 2, 2010 at 8:06 am

SMAOOOOOOO I love it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Pauline
Twitter:
July 2, 2010 at 9:37 am

A reputable blogger would have gotten a photo of husband-with-neon-green-water-gun at 4am.

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Maravonda July 2, 2010 at 9:45 am

Now that I’ve wiped my tear stained face and stopped falling off the chair, I have to ask a serious question: Why do people with cats think they can sleep with their doors closed? It is in the Cat Ownership Handbook, Page 362, Paragraph 14: No one, No how, gets to sleep if the cat is awake, except at the convienience of the cat, and the cat will decide on an hour to hour, possibly minute to minute basis, how said sleep will go.
Really, Marinka, I thought you had researched this Nikki thing…

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anymommy July 2, 2010 at 10:13 am

I bow down to Nicki. Scratch and run is brilliant. But, I’m left with a burning question…what the fuck DOES she want?

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Heather, Queen of Shake Shake July 2, 2010 at 10:24 am

I think Nicki is like my cat who wants to be let in so she can curl up against my butt. My butt is so awesome so sleep with. I bet Nicki is after your ass too.

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Fairly Odd Mother
Twitter:
July 2, 2010 at 10:32 am

Awesome. I love the idea of your husband prowling the house with a green water gun while Nicki sits somewhere. Probably holding up her middle claw.

My cat has decided to HOWL at the top of our stairs at 6am every. fucking. morning. She’s SOOOOOOO hungry except she HAS FOOD in her bowl. She just wants her fresh food! And, since she is “mine”, I stumble up and tell her to shut the eff up. I’d yell at her, but she’s deaf and there is only so much humiliation I can take and yelling at a cat that can’t hear me is too much. And she’s 19, so the water bottle squirter, while effective, would be like me smacking a granny for snoring: her senior status exempts her from harsher forms of discipline.

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Jane July 2, 2010 at 10:43 am

I am laughing my ass off right now!
As a owner of 3 cats…. it’s their world and I’m just in it…. they are sneaky bastards a too smart for their own good!
Just let the damn cat sleep with you!

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Katie July 2, 2010 at 12:13 pm

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

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Phoenix Rising
Twitter:
July 2, 2010 at 1:20 pm

I can’t tell you how much this absolutely Made. My. Day.

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Maddnessofme July 2, 2010 at 2:05 pm

Niki just wants to sleep with you. Why should you get the comfort of that bed while she has to sit out in the cold hard lonely living room, like an animal? I want to see some pictures of her sleeping in that bed or I’m reporting you people to PITA.

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Maddnessofme July 2, 2010 at 2:09 pm

Oh, and I’m coming to NYC 7/13 – 7/15 to be in David Letterman’s audience 7/14 taping. If you see a crazy ass red head running around with “Detroit Girl” on her tshirt, that would be me.

Also, I’m soliciting help on coming up with something funny to ask Dave at the Q&A before taping. Yes, we are on a first name basis.

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the mama bird diaries
Twitter:
July 2, 2010 at 4:13 pm

this post is hilarious.

and i still hate cats.

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MommyTime
Twitter:
July 2, 2010 at 8:31 pm

This is completely hilarious. I have nothing smart or funny or witty to add here, but I just had to tell you that I love this story. Also? The vast majority of dogs are very good sleepers (unlike sometimes-nocturnal cats). Just saying…

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Awesome dude July 2, 2010 at 8:53 pm

Tiger, may he rest in peace, was helped a lot with The New York Times treatment.

PDR referece:

When you went to Mexico I beat him senseless with the paper. He never bothered anybody after that……

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Awesome dude July 2, 2010 at 8:54 pm

Tiger, may he rest in peace, was helped a lot with The New York Times treatment.

PDR reference:

When you went to Mexico I beat him senseless with the paper. He never bothered anybody after that……

Reply

Lisa Lawrence July 2, 2010 at 9:52 pm

“crank-scratching our door”…fucking hilarious…thank you for a much needed laugh 🙂

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dusty earth mother July 2, 2010 at 11:19 pm

Crank-scratching your door. That is too hilarious for words. And I’m sorry in advance about your imminent divorce.

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BeardofPants July 4, 2010 at 6:16 am

Mine has irritable bowel disorder, so he wakes us up in the wee hours of the morning to vomit. I’ll swap mine for yours.

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bronxbee July 10, 2010 at 2:23 pm

“My cat has decided to HOWL at the top of our stairs at 6am… she HAS FOOD in her bowl. She just wants her fresh food! …. I’d yell at her, but she’s deaf and there is only so much humiliation I can take and yelling at a cat that can’t hear me is too much. And she’s 19, so the water bottle squirter, while effective, would be like me smacking a granny for snoring: her senior status exempts her from harsher forms of discipline.”

good grief! Fairly Odd Mother and i have the same cat! mine is 17 years old and has taken to howling at 5:30 a.m. or so and staring at blank walls and paintings… mine has also gone deaf, so even yelling or scolding does no good… once i do get up, she stops howling, stares at me in satisfaction, and immediately ambles off to go to sleep elsewhere. i try waking her up when i leave the house for work, but she barely reacts.

in other words, Marinka, i have no useful advice!

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