No Skin Off My Back

by Marinka on September 15, 2010

Hey, remember how I watched a few episodes of The Big C and became convinced that I had melanoma?

Well, I finally went to the skin doctor, or as people who speak English call him, a dermatologist.

So the nurse asks me what I’m there for and I say “a check up and some stuff on my arm and back.”
“What kind of stuff?” she asks because apparently that’s not the exact technical term.
“Like growthish stuff,” I explain, sounding completely irresistible. “Of course I can’t see what’s on my back, but it’s itchy.”

Then the doctor comes in and after telling me that they generally look for moles of three or more colors, takes a look at my arm and then at my back and says that it looks completely benign.

I am relieved and about to ask him if he has a bottle of champagne that he could spot me, and then I mention that the area on my back has been itchy for a while and that apparently is a game changer and suddenly he says that I have to have an autopsy immediately so that we can get the pathology on it. Or maybe an biopsy, if you’re the type to get hung up on technicalities.

And then, while I’m in complete shock from this news, he tells me that I have some precancerous shit on my face and that he’s going to laser it off. Unfortunately, not my nose.

I get a mini shot on my back and the biopsy is done in like a second because it’s now an Olympic sport and then the doctor says, “can you hear my voice?”

What?

Why wouldn’t I be able to hear his voice?! Is deafness a side effect of a biopsy? So of course I wait a few beats before answering “yes” because I’m sure that it’s really fun for the doctors when patients mix it up a bit.

And now I have to wait for the results.

I told Husbandrinka and asked if he was going to postpone his out of town trip on Thursday as a result of my ailment and he said no, actually, he was thinking of extending it.
Papa rolled his eyes, said that I was a huge hypochondriac and that the doctor basically saw me coming. I may have said some things like “I bet I’m dying! That’ll show you!” and he said, “I see that most people on your blog like me. I need manager and then I can take it over at any minute.”

Mama said that perhaps my back is itchy because I have a bedbug or maybe I didn’t wash my back.

I don’t even know what that means. What, I have one bedbug that sits on my back or something? Does that even make sense?

Anyway, it’s no skin off my back.

(Results on Monday. Please spend the weekend worrying about me. Thanks in advance!)

One year ago ...

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{ 27 comments… read them below or add one }

kingofnewyorkhacks
Twitter:
September 15, 2010 at 11:18 pm

Sending good luck honks to you all weekend from all parts of the city… with the hopes that all is well. Peace.

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Yuliya
Twitter:
September 16, 2010 at 12:08 am

Oh what can I say? Tfu Tfu Tfu!

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Sophie@Fabrications September 16, 2010 at 1:19 am

I knew someone would assume you didn’t wash your back. Oh, the indignation!

Also, be well, rest up, use everybody you can to bring you drinks and scratch around the operation area, ‘coz if you did this yesterday, by today it’s going to itch like mad.
And there’s another thing I wanted to tell you, if your hypochondriac heart can take it: They’re not only looking for the big, ugly 3-color guys. Some of them also like to remove the teeny-tiny inconspicuous ones, the ones we like to refer to as “beauty marks”. It’s a rough melanomic world out there.

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Maggie May September 16, 2010 at 1:35 am

ok i’ll worry for the whole weekend about your mole, if you’ll worry about my 16 year old son for me.

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Awesome dude September 16, 2010 at 7:34 am

There is no prophet in your our land.

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peajaye
Twitter:
September 16, 2010 at 7:44 am

hey, maybe it’s just some ticks you caught from sitting next to that abandoned bag of trash/laundry on the subway the other day!

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Pauline
Twitter:
September 16, 2010 at 7:46 am

Make sure you keep the biopsy spot on your back away from direct sunlight – sun will scar it more. So no topless tanning for you, Marinka.

Signed,
The girl with a scarred biopsy mark on her back

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I'm Nate's Mom September 16, 2010 at 8:31 am

I’m going to spend the whole weekend worrying about me — because my back is itchy, too. Can’t wait to hear on Monday if we’re okay!

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Alexa
Twitter:
September 16, 2010 at 11:02 am

I’m itchy ALL OVER. I’ll probably be dead by the time you read this comment.

Should I happen to still be around this weekend, though, I promise to devote some of it to worrying about you. And also being horrified by “moles of three or more colors.”

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Heather (qtberryhead) September 16, 2010 at 12:42 pm

Oh man! I’ve been putting off going to the “skin doctor” for fear I’d say something stupid like “Can I sit in the sun longer in the hopes that I’ll freckle so much that they all overlap and I look like I have a tan?” Now I’m worried about failing a hearing test.

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Joie September 16, 2010 at 1:13 pm

I did the same thing when I went to the doc not too long ago. I have this…thing…on my head. Ok, that sounds really gross. But it’s a thing I can feel when I scratch my head. It’s ginormous! (about the size of a dime) and it’s flat. So I had them check it. I guess its just my skin cells that are raised and he had a fancy schmancy name for it.

When I make my mom (stfu) rub my head, I tell her to scratch my tumor. And I say it like Arnold. Cause I am awesome.

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K-Line September 16, 2010 at 1:17 pm

How about if I spend the weekend wishing you relaxation vibes. For what it’s worth, I’m totally freakish about skin cancer (I’m sure that shocks you) and I’ve been in a biopsy situation and I was a nutcase. But then it was fine. Of course, I’m still totally freaked about it.

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ShallowGal September 16, 2010 at 1:38 pm

Guess I know who will be paying extra attention to the sermon on Saturday.

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anna see September 16, 2010 at 7:17 pm

Sending good thoughts your way.

And I call them skin doctors, too. Let’s just call it like we see it, right?

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Nadine September 16, 2010 at 7:37 pm

I’m [mostly] with OhMommy on the nude sunbathing — I have an scar from a biopsy on my left shoulder from a biopsy too — I say, only sunbathe front side up for a while. Sure you will be two-tone, but you will look glowy from the front! Besides, when you walk away from someone, who really cares if you are pasty.

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Glamamom
Twitter:
September 16, 2010 at 8:30 pm

I’m boycotting the derm bc of how many “biopsies” they’ve conducted on the tissue cut from my now mutilated and scarred body. I switched drs bc I thought my original was excessive but they’re all the same. “Prevention” they call it. Beware. It’s on now.

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dusty earth mother September 16, 2010 at 10:45 pm

I’m already anxious about that bedbug. Will this kill him? That’s just not right.

I will be praying for you and your certainly-benign itchy back. Much loves to you.

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Keyona
Twitter:
September 16, 2010 at 10:52 pm

I’m sure you’ll be fine but I’ll add you to my prayer list. I don’t actually have one but isn’t that what people say? *hugs

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annie September 16, 2010 at 11:03 pm

You do know that bedbugs are making a comeback right? I hear they’re especially bad in NYC.

Oh, and yes, I will be worrying about you all weekend. Because that’s just the kind of girl I am – and you know much I hate the fucking C word!

Though I noticed you did have to trump me on the whole “getting results back” thing on monday vs. my tuesday. Don’t be rubbing it in!

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magpie September 17, 2010 at 3:14 pm

I’m very worried. So worried that I think I’ll call my skin doctor, just to be safe.

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Vicki
Twitter:
September 17, 2010 at 4:39 pm

My bip- my bip- my bopsy. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mWispEM3900

Congrats on discovering your long-lost twin.

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the mama bird diaries
Twitter:
September 17, 2010 at 4:52 pm

You definitely don’t have cancer. Bed bugs? Possibly.

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anymommy September 17, 2010 at 5:20 pm

I shall. The whole weekend. Please post promptly on Monday.

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Tracie
Twitter:
September 17, 2010 at 9:12 pm

My back has been itchy all day.

Now I will not rest until I confirm whether or not I have bed bugs, cancer, or an issue with my loofah.

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Kate Coveny Hood
Twitter:
September 18, 2010 at 11:10 am

I’ve been out of touch for a while and just caught up here. I’m so glad I did – I’ll be thinking about you. I’ve had a few of those “need to take another look” situations (mine are always GYN related) and the waiting is the worst. I’m sure you’ll get the all clear on Monday. Hope the weekend flies by until then.

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tracey September 18, 2010 at 11:20 am

Will do. Will do…

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Elisa @ Globetrotting in Heels
Twitter:
September 19, 2010 at 10:53 am

I am a total hypochondriac about *C* (can’t even spell it out for fear of it being a jinx, see? You’re not the only weirdo.) So I’ll keep my fingers, arms, legs and possibly eyes crosses the whole weekend for you. I have no life anyway, so it’s no skin off my back either.

Reply

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