Hey, quick question for you.
Do you understand how this whole child trafficking thing works?
The actual logistics. Getting kids from point A to point B?
I ask, ha ha, not because I’m interested in child trafficking, but because a few weeks ago I had a birthday party for my turning-11-years-old son and I couldn’t figure out how to transport 12 ten to eleven year old boys a mile in the middle of Manhattan and I thought that maybe I could learn from these criminal masterminds. I mean the child traffickers, not my son’s friends.
Don’t even ask me why I had a party for so many children. I do it every year on the last day of school and every year I think I’m never doing this shit again, but then the next year I do it again, thinking well, they’re older now, and these are the precious moments with my son that I’ll remember forever, except precious moments is in sarcasm font. But whatever, the party was planned, I had to pick up these boys from school and drag them over to the comic book store, where they would have a Magic tournament. And if you don’t know from Magic Tournament, just go ahead and enjoy your life and stop gloating.
So I’m planning this in my head and then suddenly I realize, how the hell am I going to get these boys over to the Magic Tournament place? And after weighing all the options from walking a mile to renting a medium-sized helicopter, I settled for public transportation. Because it’s cheap and fast, like me.
But if there’s one thing I know about NYC’s public transportation and the MetroCard that it requires to gain entry is that you can’t swipe the Metro Card more than four times for a single trip. I don’t know if this is our Mayor’s idea or what fresh hell it is, I think if I want to load up my MetroCard and spend my fortune swiping everyone in NYC through the turnstiles, that’s my right. But thanks to Obamacare, the swipe limit is four. And since there are twelve kids, you see my problem. I’m nothing if not a problem solver, so I decided to buy multiple MetroCards.
Except after I bought two Metro Cards, the MetroCard machine refused to sell me any more. See, this is what happens when you elect a President before seeing his long form birth certificate. Fascism in the subway.
I’m guessing they limited the number of MetroCards you can buy at one time to two because they wanted to make sure to drive me absolutely insane, or prevent people using stolen credit cards as some kind of get rich on MetroCards scheme. Which is insane, because of all the things I’d do with a stolen credit card, buying a MetroCard isn’t in the top 245. What, don’t look at me like you don’t have a list of what you’d do with a stolen credit card, you lying Mother Teresa.
So I did what any normal person would do. I took out a different “Emergency Only” credit card to buy some more MetroCards. I know I only needed one more, but I couldn’t stop. So I bought two. Because that’s the limit.
But the whole experience left me completely exhausted and at that point I hadn’t even picked up the boys yet. And, spoiler alert, things didn’t get more relaxing for me once I did pick them up. Trust me on this.
Which got me thinking. How do the traffickers do it? Do they have some kind of a magic MetroCard? Because I’m thinking you have to be some kind of a criminal mastermind to figure this shit out.
One year ago ...
- Update-ish - 2014