Remedial Blog School: How To Lose Readers Without Even Trying

by Marinka on June 23, 2010

Do you have a blog?

Does your blog have readers?

Do you find it annoying that people rudely come to your blog and read what you write, privately, on the internet?

Well, you’ve come to the right place!  Because once you follow these easy steps, readers will be abandoning your blog faster than rats fleeing a sinking ship.  (By the way, does anyone know where those rats go?  Are there mini life boats or are rats the Michael Phelps of the rodent world?)

1.  Don’t proofread your posts.  Typos are charming, and not at all a sign of illiteracy and that you don’t give a shit about your content.

2. You’ve heard that “content is king” but I’m pretty sure that it’s just an urban myth.  Why not tell your readers what you had for dinner last night, in list form?  To make it less confusing for them, refrain from any personal-type commentary.

3.  Post once a month.  Hey, Barbra Streisand hardly ever performs in public and she always sells out.  It works!

4.  Do not interact with your readers on any level.  If they email you, ignore it.  Never answer questions in comments.  Do not visit their blog.  You don’t see Meryl Streep coming over to your house to watch your home movies, do you?

5. Add “LOL” after every sentence you post.  Your blog is a sitcom, and you must provide a laugh track.

6.  Why not adopt a conspiracy theory?  Preferably one blaming the Jews for most global and local problems.

7.  When commenting on other blogs, keep your comments to the point.  A nice “visit my blog!!!!” will do the trick.

8.   Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.  Why not take some of your favorite bloggers’ content and pass it off as your own?  They’re sure to be flattered!

9.  Don’t link to anyone.    It’s rude to inflict your readers on others.

Continue this for a few months, and I guarantee that you’ll have total blogging privacy.  Good luck!

For more life-saving blogging tips, visit my Remedial Blog School!

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{ 2 trackbacks }

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June 24, 2010 at 8:39 pm
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June 26, 2010 at 9:08 am

{ 50 comments… read them below or add one }

suburbancorrespondent
Twitter:
June 23, 2010 at 10:06 am

Wait – you mean Meryl Streep isn’t coming over? That little minx…

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the mama bird diaries
Twitter:
June 23, 2010 at 10:10 am

Fantastic advice. I can hardly wait to start losing readers!

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Jen June 23, 2010 at 10:17 am

Visit my blog! LOL! Hardly anyoe visits it to read about what I had for diner but I think that’s because the Jews are keeping them away! LOL! Your funny!

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Elise June 23, 2010 at 1:50 pm

Haha!! Love this comment!! This was as funny as Marinka’s post! :D

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Loukia June 23, 2010 at 10:19 am

GOD every time I read posts like this I panic and think they’ve secretly been written about me and my blog!

Okay. Here’s the thing. I do not email back my commenters after they comment on my posts. I DO however, all the time, visit their blogs and comment on their posts.

I sometimes hardly ever okay never spell check. Must remedy this.

How many typos have I made in this comment?

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cristie June 23, 2010 at 10:27 am

This is hilarious. Although I admit I am now paranoid that I might fall into soem of the above. How about proofreading and STILL missing errors? I do that and hate it! I always want to fix it and then make everyone read again.

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SubWife June 23, 2010 at 9:24 pm

Thank God for your comment! I thought I was the only one with the exact same problem!

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Cheryl
Twitter:
June 23, 2010 at 10:27 am

I just know I’m not going to remember any of this once I leave.

For the record, I think someone needs to teach people under 40 how to spell whoa. Just sayin’…

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empress bee (of the high sea) June 23, 2010 at 10:48 am

uh oh, you read my blog about my rice and gravy, didn’t you? about how gravy is my crack? bad me.

smiles, bee
xoxoxoxooxoxox

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alexis
Twitter:
June 23, 2010 at 10:51 am

jews are responsible for most global and local problems. like, the fact that i am a fatass because i love bagels and schmear? i totally blame jews.

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Halala Mama
Twitter:
June 23, 2010 at 10:55 am

Ahh you forgot the obvious – when you do comment on other blogs you should write your comments as clever spam posts – “My cousin told me about this blog! Keep up the super work!” and then link to a p*rn site.

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Heather, Queen of Shake Shake June 23, 2010 at 2:55 pm

OMG, I’m going to start doing this on blogs I don’t like!

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Halala Mama
Twitter:
June 23, 2010 at 3:28 pm

Brilliant isn’t it? Try these goodies from my spam file: Physical therapist says: Pretty nice post. I just stumbled upon your blog and wanted to say that I have really enjoyed browsing your blog posts. In any case I’ll be subscribing to your feed and I hope you write again soon!

OR

Buy Vi@gr@ says: thanks, very well written post, found it through a random google search and i shared it on my stumble upon account

Personally the second is my favorite as the grammatical errors lend a certain charm – Marinka was right.

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Pauline
Twitter:
June 23, 2010 at 3:51 pm

That’s brilliant. I’m totally going to start SPAMing some of my favorite blogs, for shits and giggles. It’s classy, no?

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Halala Mama
Twitter:
June 23, 2010 at 3:58 pm

And OMG HEATHER! I have 29 pending comments in SPAM…you hate my blog!

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Alex@LateEnough
Twitter:
June 23, 2010 at 10:56 am

I unfollowed someone on twitter and never visited her blog again for building up a post for THREE DAYS and then have typos and using words that she clearly didn’t know the meaning of.
But I would NEVER stop reading a blog because of a hanging preposition. EVER.

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Marinka June 23, 2010 at 3:00 pm

That is one thing that I am really grateful for.

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Andrea's Sweet Life
Twitter:
June 23, 2010 at 11:00 am

Visit my blog!!!!

Oh wait, you did. Um. Now what? Maybe I’ll write a blog posts about rats and their little life boats. You won’t mind, right?

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jules June 23, 2010 at 11:11 am

That’s great! LOL!

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mosey June 23, 2010 at 11:19 am

Will there be a test? Should I take notes? Which parts are important? LOL!

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Issa
Twitter:
June 25, 2010 at 3:59 pm

Everything Marinka says is important. Take notes on all.

**This comment paid for by MarinkaNYC

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Aunt Becky
Twitter:
June 23, 2010 at 11:21 am

1) Make sure EVERYTHING is truncated to increase click throughs.

2) Add “visit my blog” AND the URL to every comment, Tweet, Facebook status, Myspace status, etc.

3) Send out mass emails begging people to read your blog and tell them to tell THEIR FRIENDS to read your blog.

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Heather, Queen of Shake Shake June 23, 2010 at 2:57 pm

I don’t even know what “truncated” means. That’s it! I’m just gonna quit.

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Marinka June 23, 2010 at 3:00 pm

“Truncated” means cut sh-

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Jill
Twitter:
June 23, 2010 at 11:21 am

lol! oops.

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Joie June 23, 2010 at 11:32 am

I just made my blog “public” after a lot of back and forth about it…opening myself up to strangers – SCARY but a great way to learn to write as well. Plus, it’s fun! I have a few (you being one OBVIOUSLY!) that I am trying to learn some things from. I literally chuckle out loud when I read some of your posts. And you are great at writing things out so that you can actually “see” what is being said! Can you please be all magical and make me fabulous? :)

When I read this post of yours, I started analyzing what I am writing. I do NOT want to proofread – I completely agree. It’s HARD though!!! And I still have all these ideas and no idea how to get them out. GAH!

Thanks for sharing some of your aura of awesomeness…

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Amber
Twitter:
June 23, 2010 at 11:44 am

Hey now, stop blasting me online! LOLZ

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Coco
Twitter:
June 23, 2010 at 12:24 pm

Visit my blog where I am slamming Russians. But only once a month. And everything is their fault. You know… because of vodka. LOL.

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Mama Fuss June 23, 2010 at 12:47 pm

Funny! I confess that I have occasionally left out the proofreading, but you have a pretty great point there. Thanks for the reminder.

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Sophie@Fabrications June 23, 2010 at 1:21 pm

“8. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Why not take some of your favorite bloggers’ content and pass it off as your own? They’re sure to be flattered!”

I said that.

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Erin
Twitter:
June 23, 2010 at 1:30 pm

Lol, this is so true. Such good advice, that I think I’ll do the very opposite of it.

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Issa
Twitter:
June 23, 2010 at 1:38 pm

Can I just add one? Pretty please with iPads on top?

10. Continually updating your Twitter and Facebook with: No one is reading or commenting on my new post.

Quickest way to lose readers.

LOL.

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Krystyn
Twitter:
June 23, 2010 at 1:39 pm

Actually write a meaningful comment? Hmmmm….let me think on that.

Those “visit me nows”are so offensive. I wrote content, at least say something about it first!

Editing…I always thought that was overrated. Plus, my editor makes me cook for him!

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Miss Britt
Twitter:
June 23, 2010 at 1:44 pm

I am way too lazy to proofread and I’ve posted like 10 times this year.

Just call me Barbara.

Not in public though, because I won’t know that you’re talking to me and then you’ll just be standing there yelling “Barbara! Barbara!” and everyone will think you’re crazy. I won’t answer because I’ll have forgotten about this comment, and then you’ll think I’m rude.

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Ronnica
Twitter:
June 23, 2010 at 2:24 pm

So spot on! I have a lot to learn from this list…off to write awkwardly-worded, self-indulgent posts with no hint of proofreading. Thanks!

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hokgardner
Twitter:
June 23, 2010 at 2:40 pm

Now I know why I don’t have any readers!

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Heather, Queen of Shake Shake June 23, 2010 at 3:01 pm

I don’t know what you are talking about, Meryl comes over to watch movies with me all of the time.

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Rachael
Twitter:
June 23, 2010 at 4:56 pm

To bad this doesn’t really apply to me. Most of the people who read my (private) blog send me long emails commenting on a post instead of hitting the comment button. I find it frustrating to have an inbox full of comments but nothing on the blog. I can’t decide if I should start randomly commenting on my own posts in hopes of starting a conversation or not. Since I’ve been dealing with this for 2 years it almost seems useless at this point.

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christy June 23, 2010 at 6:21 pm

And regarding leaving comments? Make sure you tell people where you’re coming from – like: stopping by from SITS! because everyone REALLY cares where you’re coming from. And appreciates comments that have NOTHING to do with the post. Those comments make our day.

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Mary Lee June 23, 2010 at 7:06 pm

Yikes! I must have some really nice readers because I love the comments I receive– if they write something proving that their husbands are nuttier than mine, believe me, I’m relieved! (So is he!)

If I fail to proofread, my eagle-eyed friend, a retired Latin teacher, nails me.

When I began writing, I had no idea of how to attract readers. I wrote for weeks without anyone even knowing except for a few very special friends. They added “check out this great blog…” with my website on it and readership grew from there.

Most of the people who comment regularly on my blog are friends. The fact that I have never met some of them is a minor detail.

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deborah quinn
Twitter:
June 23, 2010 at 11:01 pm

Thank you so much. You’ve just written my next blog post. Note that I’m NOT saying LOL.

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Jonesie
Twitter:
June 24, 2010 at 12:49 am

LOL HILARIOUS! I’m guilty of #3 but that’s only because my computer committed suicide and I just got my new one yesturday!! But CLASSIC post lol

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alexandra
Twitter:
June 24, 2010 at 1:08 am

I really do like your remedial blog school posts. I’ve gone back and read the older ones before. They never get old.

You’re so right, and get the message across with great humor.

But you already know you’re funny, and I read a post somewhere that said to not tell a funny blogger they’re funny because they “already know that. Duh.”

Sigh. So many rules. I just want to leave a nice comment. But there are so many rules….

Anyway, just want to say that I”ve been reading your blog for years now, and it has never disappointed me.

You are clever and your writing reminds me of a book I just finished by Diana Joseph.

Thanks for making us laugh. I know my comment isn’t a clever one, but just wanted to thank you for your excellent posts.

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shafeena
Twitter:
June 24, 2010 at 3:43 am

:( i actually dont proofread… just because i feel i change my view on things when i read it too many times.. but i will from now on :D

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Deb Rox
Twitter:
June 24, 2010 at 10:13 am

You are right! Meryl never freaking comes to my blog. Come to think of it, Meryl Streep totally snubbed me at the last conference we were at, too. God, what a bitch. Who does she think she is??? It’s just like high school.

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dusty earth mother June 24, 2010 at 7:47 pm

I just want you to know that the post I wrote about being a Russian immigrant was stolen from a different Russian immigrant. LOL. Visit my blog. For the love of all that is holy, visit my blog.

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Girl Gone Mom June 24, 2010 at 10:41 pm

Fantastic post – I wish every blogger would read it!!

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Texan Mama June 24, 2010 at 11:10 pm

Oh dear… I started reading this and my jaw DROPPED! I have a VERY VERY similar post all scheduled to go live at like 5am tomorrow morning. I SWEAR I began it last week and just finished it today. For Realz!!! I’ve never even been here before, but I saw a funny comment & link to you from OhMommy.

Please please please don’t think I’m stealing your post!

kthx. Pinky swear.

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Steph June 25, 2010 at 6:57 pm

I proofread once and still miss things. The problem with that is the feed readers are unforgiving as all Hell. I hate typos and misspellings so I always go back and fix them but I know anyone that has me in a reader knows I do this.

I love when spam comments take the time to actually make it sound like they read your blog. I almost always fall for it too. ;o)

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magpie June 28, 2010 at 2:01 pm

No, visit MY blog!

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