Do you have a blog?
Does your blog have readers?
Do you find it annoying that people rudely come to your blog and read what you write, privately, on the internet?
Well, you’ve come to the right place! Because once you follow these easy steps, readers will be abandoning your blog faster than rats fleeing a sinking ship. (By the way, does anyone know where those rats go? Are there mini life boats or are rats the Michael Phelps of the rodent world?)
1. Don’t proofread your posts. Typos are charming, and not at all a sign of illiteracy and that you don’t give a shit about your content.
2. You’ve heard that “content is king” but I’m pretty sure that it’s just an urban myth. Why not tell your readers what you had for dinner last night, in list form? To make it less confusing for them, refrain from any personal-type commentary.
3. Post once a month. Hey, Barbra Streisand hardly ever performs in public and she always sells out. It works!
4. Do not interact with your readers on any level. If they email you, ignore it. Never answer questions in comments. Do not visit their blog. You don’t see Meryl Streep coming over to your house to watch your home movies, do you?
5. Add “LOL” after every sentence you post. Your blog is a sitcom, and you must provide a laugh track.
6. Why not adopt a conspiracy theory? Preferably one blaming the Jews for most global and local problems.
7. When commenting on other blogs, keep your comments to the point. A nice “visit my blog!!!!” will do the trick.
8. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Why not take some of your favorite bloggers’ content and pass it off as your own? They’re sure to be flattered!
9. Don’t link to anyone. It’s rude to inflict your readers on others.
Continue this for a few months, and I guarantee that you’ll have total blogging privacy. Good luck!
For more life-saving blogging tips, visit my Remedial Blog School!