Sleepless in Florida

by Marinka on March 27, 2013

I am on spring break in Florida!

It is very palm-treey and baseball-y and warm and nice.

I haven’t slept more than a few hours at a stretch and am completely exhausted.

There are two reasons for this.

First, I’ve spent 99% of my life living in apartment buildings, so sleeping in a house, where anyone can just come in and murder is unbelievably stressful. And because I don’t want to be surprise-murdered, I keep waking up every few hours to take my vital signs to make sure I’m still among the living. Last night I was trying to relax with a novel before bed but unfortunately one of the characters decided to recount the Sharon Tate murder, for NO APPARENT REASON. Seriously, it had no real point in the book, he just mentioned it in passing, perhaps as a foreshadowing for my own story.

I’m also under tremendous stress because the house we rented is home to an unfortunate spoon situation.

The soup spoons are super huge and the teaspoons are super tiny.  Here, I took a picture:

spoon e1364336874338 216x300 Sleepless in Florida

Apparently I’d also like you to admire my coin collection. I’m worried that the soup spoon doesn’t look freakishly huge and the teaspoon doesn’t appear unnaturally tiny, but let me reassure you, they are. Just remember that the camera adds at least 15 lbs. and probably subtracts a few ounces from the tiny teaspoon.

Here’s the back view.

spoonback e1364388579690 227x300 Sleepless in Florida

It’s really hard to relax on vacation with that kind of flatware crisis. A sub-crisis is that I don’t understand why “teaspoon” is one word and “soup spoon” is two words. A secondary sub-crisis is that “soup spoon” is actually one word and a tertiary sub-crisis is that I’ve never seen the word “soupspoon” or “soup spoon” written or spoken and it’s really beyond me why this hasn’t been addressed on a national level.

I’m worried I’ll never sleep again.

Wish you were here!

0saves
If you enjoyed this post, please consider leaving a comment or subscribing to the RSS feed.

{ 19 comments… read them below or add one }

anna see March 27, 2013 at 9:51 am

I guess I shouldn’t tell you I was flipping channels last night and came upon “The Shining.” That did wonders for my sleep.

Really feeling for you and the Great Spoon Crisis while I’m here in balmy, snow covered VA.

   0 likes

Reply

liniv March 28, 2013 at 2:09 pm

Marinka, how cold is it usually in NYC that 70 F is warm and nice??? This isn’t warm and nice, this is madness. I have wished out loud for a wood-burning fireplace (which our house lacks, because i do not enjoy leaving unprotected egress into a house via fireplace for murderers and Santa) because it has been so cold!!

Also, console yourself with knowing that murderers in Florida are pretty lazy, so unless your house is the first one in the neighborhood, your murder rate should be pretty much nil.

   1 likes

Reply

Krystal March 27, 2013 at 10:17 am

I’m glad someone in Florida is warm!! It’s freezing here in the Keys (I know my freezing is not your freezing but we are 1 degree from our record of 58 degrees!! and that was some time in the 1930′s)…as for the flat ware connundrum. I feel for you – my dad has the same thing…The soup spoons are HUGE and the tea spoons are tiny…as for the word usage – teaspoon as a measuring unit is one word, tea spoon as the object is two words…yes, I had that engraved in my head in middle school by a very mean nun…try and relax, house living is perfectly normal or do as I do, sleep with a knife under your pillow ;-)

   1 likes

Reply

Gdot March 27, 2013 at 11:27 am

Isn’t the murder rate really high in Florida?
Food for thought.
Which ties in with the spoons.
You know, for food.
And,…. maybe as weapons.

   0 likes

Reply

Gdot March 27, 2013 at 11:27 am

Isn’t the murder rate really high in Florida?
Food for thought.
Which ties in with the spoons.
You know, for food.
And,…. maybe as weapons.

   0 likes

Reply

Loukia March 27, 2013 at 11:35 am

Yeah, what Anna said—get some plastic spoons from Walgreens and ENJOY YOUR TIME IN FLORIDA WHILE THE REST OF US ARE STILL UNDER 250 CM OF SNOW!

;)

Love you!

   0 likes

Reply

christy March 27, 2013 at 4:43 pm

This made me giggle out loud!

   0 likes

Reply

Peajaye
Twitter:
March 27, 2013 at 5:44 pm

Wait, but isn’t your dacha in the middle of the woods, where like every teen horror movie takes place, and don’t you go there like every month, so shouldn’t you be used to be living in a death-house by now?

   0 likes

Reply

suburbancorrespondent
Twitter:
March 27, 2013 at 10:49 pm

You’ve forgotten that you should also be worried that a ginormous sinkhole opens up underneath the house and swallows you whole (but leaves the spoons).

You’re welcome.

   0 likes

Reply

Awesome dude March 28, 2013 at 5:56 am

Run away from the spoon perverts.

   0 likes

Reply

Schmutzie
Twitter:
March 28, 2013 at 10:17 am

This is why I can’t sleep on houses! I will murdered or held hostage and no one will know for days until the smell hits the neighbours. Eek.

   0 likes

Reply

joeinvegas March 28, 2013 at 6:32 pm

Those look like the spoons that came in the Ikea set my wife just loves. Which one do you use for the cereal? Yup.

   0 likes

Reply

Marinka March 28, 2013 at 9:41 pm

These were from Ikea too. And the cereal dilemma was what did me in every morning.

   0 likes

Reply

Tinne from Tantrums and Tomatoes March 29, 2013 at 8:13 am

If you get an unwelcome visit from an axe murderen you could throw the big spoons at him to scare him of…

   0 likes

Reply

Punky Coletta March 29, 2013 at 9:38 am

Hope you get some good sleep soup soon!

   0 likes

Reply

dusty earth mother March 30, 2013 at 11:00 pm

I just love you. Please don’t get murdered. I would never be able to eat soup again.

   0 likes

Reply

Leigh Ann
Twitter:
March 31, 2013 at 1:29 pm

Ha we have those spoons. I like to use the tiny ones for ice cream. The large ones are unpleasant at best to eat with.

   0 likes

Reply

Cy
Twitter:
April 1, 2013 at 12:11 am

The condo my friend rented for Spring Break had only 2 wineglasses and they were too small for her boozing tastes.

She went to WalMart and bought bigger ones immediately. What’s with these ill-equipped rentals anyway?

   0 likes

Reply

deborah l quinn
Twitter:
April 5, 2013 at 12:10 pm

much morning happiness depends on a spoon being the right size, absolutely. I’ve never understood why a big spoon for soup (see how i did that?) is a good idea. You get too much soup in the spoon and then burn your mouth, or it spills and you ruin your new blouse. Way better to use the small spoon. Small spoon is a better weapon, too, because it fits neatly into the eye socket of the attacker & then with one flick of the wrist: DE-EYED!

   0 likes

Reply

Leave a Comment

Previous post:

Next post: