So, About My Roommate

by Marinka on May 14, 2012

Earlier this month I attended the Mom 2.0 Summit, a blogging conference that no blogger should ever miss, especially in the years that it is held in Miami, at the Ritz-Carlton, beachside.

Really, it’s worth leaving your coughing child for.

I’d been looking forward to the conference since the 2011 one ended. Seriously, I bought my ticket on May 6, 2011.  I was looking forward to meeting the writers I admired, reconnecting with friends and of course spending quality time with my beautiful blonde roommates, Stacy and Loukia.  

I pictured tranquil evenings of talking into the night when we’d lie down on fluffy feather-free pillows and as Mr. Sandman sprinkled the sleep ointment upon us and we’d drift off to the Land of Nod and wake up refreshed and re-energized and stretch in our beds and then maybe head down for some yoga and filtered water.

I was excited because absolutely nothing could go wrong with that plan.

And then, as I was packing my bag for a weekend of fun and relaxation, I saw this fucking tweet:

This is called FORESHADOWING

 

What the-?

But I sort of assumed that she tweeted that as a joke, like one may tweet “I sure hope I don’t relapse and go on a murderous spree again, stabbing my roommates, because how many times can I be found mentally incompetent to stand trial before the legal Russian Roulette catches up with me?” as an attention grabber.

You know, if Twitter suddenly allowed more characters.

So I went upon my merry way and flew to Miami without a care of the world, save for the economy and terrorism and the whole world going to hell in a handbasket.

And then I got to Miami, and since we all have lives to lead, and we have learned about making a long story short, let me fast forward to the point when I went to sleep and then woke up because it seemed that our country was under attack.

The noise I heard was deafening. And not quite human.

Loukia was snoring.

“WHAT THE FUCK?” I yelled at Stacy, not worrying for a second that I would wake Loukia.

“Isn’t that so funny?” Stacy said, obviously having had some kind of a breakdown that made her use funny for absolutely insane.

“I can’t sleep!” I scream-shouted. “Do you think I can put a pillow on her face?”

“Yes,” Stacy saw the wisdom of my plan. “But very gently,” she warned, obviously thinking of her defense strategy already.

I walked over to Loukia’s bed and ever so gently and lovingly placed a pillow on her face.

The result was immediate and shocking.

All snoring stopped instantly. It was so sudden and so quiet that for a moment I was worried that I had accidentally smothered her. I was very worried, because, one, my fingerprints were all over the murder weapon and two, I could see that the inevitable police investigation was really going to cut into my session attending time, to say nothing of the Swedish massage I was looking forward to at the Ritz-Carlton spa.

“What the hell?” I asked.

And then I lifted the pillow.

Loukia was alive!

This was great news because the last thing I needed was to be tried for murder in Florida. I have very fair skin and I can only be outside for so long, although I understand that most criminal prosecutions don’t take place poolside. But still, the humidity is absolute murder in the first degree on my hair.

Loukia woke up.

“What’s up?” she said when she saw me standing over her with a pillow.

“You were snoring,” I let her know.

“Oh no! Was I really?” She seemed unhappy. Well-rested, though.

“Yes, really,” I said and Stacy corroborated my testimony.

Since we were up, we decided to celebrate Loukia’s extremely close brush with death. We talked and laughed, and in my and Stacy’s case, yawned. A lot.

Loukia took it in stride.

“I only snore when I drink,” she explained later on in the day. Which would have been reassuring if she wasn’t hooking up a champagne IV at that very moment. By the way, if you read that as “champagne 4” that’s totally not what I meant.

I’m happy to report that the next night, Loukia snored less. Probably because she was sleeping with one eye open. It’s like she’s allergic to smothering or something.

One year ago ...

0saves
If you enjoyed this post, please consider leaving a comment or subscribing to the RSS feed.
If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!

{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }

Nona
Twitter:
May 14, 2012 at 7:10 am

Next time you have a snoring roommate or husband or child or dog (this is the voice of experience here) skip the pillow and just roll the offender over.

It works (really) and it’s far less murdery if he/she should happen to smother — think more involuntary manslaughter vs. second degree homicide.

Reply

Tinne from Tantrums and Tomatoes May 14, 2012 at 7:15 am

I just kick the offender, works just as well.

Reply

Becky
Twitter:
May 14, 2012 at 7:27 am

Thank goodness I have a CPAP machine and no longer snore. Before I had the CPAP, I don’t think my husband ever considered the smother option to get me to stop. I did, however, get kicked in the leg a lot.

Reply

Jenny from Mommin' It Up May 14, 2012 at 9:35 am

flippin’ hysterical! BTW the other day I was driving down the road and the phrase “if you have to explain your Halloween costume, you have pretty much failed at Halloween” ran through my head and I laughed like a dummy, driving along in my minivan. You are so funny!

Reply

anna see May 14, 2012 at 10:01 am

this was hilarious. my hair, too, would not fare well w/ a floridian incarceration.

Reply

Loukia May 14, 2012 at 10:10 am

Thank you for waking ME up this morning with this hilarious post. I was big time LOLing. Not to be mistaken for snoring. Haha… 😉 Seriously, I am doomed for eternity now, because when I ask: “Who wants to share a room with me at BlogHer/Mom 2.0/BlissDom Canada I will have ZERO people interested! Sob.

P.S. Wanna share a room at Mom 2.0 Laguna? I PROMISE I WILL NOT SNORE…

xo

Reply

Tracy Beckerman May 14, 2012 at 1:09 pm

BAHAHA. I used the pillow over the face trick on my husband one time just as one of the kids walked into our bedroom in the middle of the night. Try explaining THAT one to a five year old. “NO, really, Mommy is not trying to off Daddy!”

Reply

tracy@sellabitmum
Twitter:
May 14, 2012 at 1:49 pm

Oh this is not good news as I had hopes of sleeping with Loukia at some point. Damn.

Reply

Peajaye
Twitter:
May 14, 2012 at 2:45 pm

My “life roommate” (it’s still illegal to marry in California) snores, and I have to say… I love it. I’m a pretty sound sleeper, but when I do awake to hear his snoring, the sound puts me right back to sleep. It’s like the sound of the ocean. Or one of his endless, pointless stories.

Reply

Lady Jennie May 14, 2012 at 4:08 pm

My roommates at BlogHer won’t have to worry about me snoring because I (blush) have to wear a face mask for sleep apnea. I look and sound just like Darth Vader. And I wake up with these deep grooves in my face that really help my 40+ year old face appear fresh and radiant.

I’m glad you’re not my roommate because I wouldn’t want anyone at all to find out about my little secret.

And I’m afraid of smothering.

Reply

Erin I'm Gonna Kill Him
Twitter:
May 14, 2012 at 9:08 pm

The post-Erma report from ‘my two roommates who I shall keep nameless’ was that I snored. I did it on purpose to make up for one of said roommate’s neti-pot usage.

Reply

Marta
Twitter:
May 14, 2012 at 11:14 pm

LOL.

I do not snore, but I do sleep with a pillow on my head every night and I haven’t died (yet!). It really weirds people out so I often warn my sleeping partners that its happening so they don’t wake up concerned for my safety. Which they never have… hmm.

Reply

the mama bird diaries
Twitter:
May 14, 2012 at 11:29 pm

Well, now I’m sort of relieved I couldn’t make it because I’m adverse to being smothered. But I do like a champagne IV.

Reply

Glamamom
Twitter:
May 14, 2012 at 11:54 pm

Again, you guys *almost* make me want to share a room. Funny enough, Loukia was just telling me that she “allegedly” snores. We would have been perfect roommates actually.

Reply

Leave a Comment

Previous post:

Next post: