South Beach, The Beginning

by Marinka on October 21, 2010

I have to apologize in advance to you for telling this story out of order. Because last week, Husbandrinka made me so insane that I had to tell you about the South Beach diet, instead of introducing you to it gradually. That’s his fault. Many things are.

Earlier this month in West Virginia, I was sitting at breakfast with my friend Ana, discussing our friend’s wedding that we’d just attended the night before and eating some fine West Virginia artery-clogging cuisine.

We decided that we needed to lose weight. Ana thought that we could stand to lose 15 pounds by Christmas. Because I don’t celebrate Christmas, I decided that I have to lose it by New Year’s. So that I could greet the New Year all svelte and shit.

Two other women joined us for breakfast and we immediately shared our new life plan with them.

Turns out they were familiar with dieting, too. It’s like a sign from God or something. I mean, what are the chances that you run into two women and find out that they’ve also dieted? Hello, burning bush!

Their diet of choice was the South Beach.

“The food’s really good,” they told us. (By the way, when I say they, I mean, one of them, so please don’t think that they spoke chorus-like. And they definitely have names, but since they just have cameos in this post, I don’t want to go through the trouble of introducing them. Welcome to the wonderful world of lazy blogging.)

And with that ringing endorsement, Ana was sold. “Sounds great!” she said.

This is not how I diet.

I believe that it’s important to spend a few weeks emotionally preparing for a diet, while reading up on it and discussing it with friends and people who have not yet obtained a restraining order against me. Although in some circles this is considered procrastination, I prefer to think of it as laying the groundwork to health and fitness. How else would I know what foods are unlimited and which are the forbidden fruit (spoiler alert! On South Beach Phase One all fruit is forbidden) and also how to make sure that I eat enough so that my body doesn’t go into starvation mode and eat itself.

Because the last thing I need right now is flesh eating disease.

I tried to signal this to Ana with a mixture of eyebrow waggling and kicking her under the table.

“It’s definitely something to consider,” I conceded, biting into a fried sausage bullet that seemed to be covered in syrup and looking meaningfully and gluttously at Ana.

“I’m starting it tomorrow,” she ignored my hints.

“There’s no alcohol at all during the first two weeks of South Beach,” one of the unnamed warned, remembering perhaps me and Ana not being wine-averse the night before.

“Did you hear that?” I opened my eyes wide for extra-expansive emphasis, hoping to demonstrate how completely dehydrated and unbearably sober we would become.

“Yes, but just for two weeks, the sooner we get started, the sooner we’ll be done,” Ana chirped. I was starting to suspect that she was still drunk from the night before.

“Fools rush in,” I mumbled. But it was too late.
I could see that Ana was already donning her mental South Beach bikini.

The next morning, I got an email from Ana.

“I’m on the Beach!” the subject line read and inside there was a link and an explanation that if I joined by following her link, she’d get a prize.

She also told me that on this Beach I’d be allowed to have two cups of coffee a day and that ninety nine virgins would be waiting for me at the end of the two weeks.

And so I did. Because who doesn’t like coffee?

One year ago ...

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{ 24 comments… read them below or add one }

awesome dude October 21, 2010 at 3:01 pm

“I believe that it’s important to spend a few weeks emotionally preparing for a diet, while reading up on it and discussing it with friends and people …..

This is a strange way to start dieting process.

I started mine when I looked at myself naked in the mirrow and was revolted by what I saw.

Congratulations anyhow…….

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Loukia October 21, 2010 at 3:18 pm

If I had a dollar for every time I started a diet, I’d be a billionaire, for sure.

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Lady Jennie October 21, 2010 at 3:40 pm

“Turns out they were familiar with dieting, too. It’s like a sign from God or something. I mean, what are the chances that you run into two women and find out that they’ve also dieted? Hello, burning bush!”

I spit my low fat, low sugar blackberry mousse on the computer screen when I read this.

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Wendi
Twitter:
October 21, 2010 at 4:30 pm

This is why I’m doing the North Beach. Totally different.

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Yuliya
Twitter:
October 21, 2010 at 5:57 pm

There should be “I’m sorry you’re on a diet” cards …lazy Hallmark!

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Zee October 21, 2010 at 6:11 pm

I’ve been doing a South Beachy kind of eating for a year and a half. No refined sugar. Lean proteins, whole grains, lots of veggies, a couple of pieces of fruit each day, blah, blah, blah. I would have thought that life wouldn’t be worth living, but its actually awesome. I was ginormous before – and now, 123 pounds smaller. People say I look normal, whatever that is.

I haven’t had a dessert in a year and a half – and actually – while my food is kinda boring, my life keeps getting better!

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Marinka October 22, 2010 at 10:24 am

That’s fantastic and super inspiring. I hate to admit it, so I’m burying it in the comments, but when I stopped eating sugar my energy level went way up. Of course I am supplementing with speed.

Congratulations on your weight loss and on maintaining it. Yay, you!

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Zee October 22, 2010 at 10:56 am

Well, yeah. I forgot to mention that my meth “issue” has increased a bit. I wasn’t sure it was relevant to the post.

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anna see October 21, 2010 at 6:45 pm

Ha Ha! Are you surviving?

And Zee? Way to go

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joeinvegas October 21, 2010 at 7:02 pm

I think you’d lose more weight breaking in 99 virgins

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peajaye
Twitter:
October 21, 2010 at 7:14 pm

I heard there was a minty white stick you could sniff that took away your appetite and helped you sleep better. Maybe you should give that a try.

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Christy @ cat fur to make kitten britches October 21, 2010 at 7:58 pm

OMG, this was hysterical! I would be very suspicious of anyone who’s *that* enthusiastic about starting a diet….

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Jonathan October 21, 2010 at 8:28 pm

OMG Ana sounds worse than the friend that dragged (drug?) out of bed early on a Saturday for jogging!

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the mama bird diaries
Twitter:
October 21, 2010 at 9:26 pm

This diet thing sounds hard. How is going now?

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GrandeMocha
Twitter:
October 21, 2010 at 10:22 pm

Who the hell wants 99 virgins? You’d have to train them. It would be like having 99 puppies.

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dusty earth mother October 21, 2010 at 10:46 pm

Well, as you know, I’m doing vegetables and water for ten days. I’m on day five. I feel absolutely great. Which thoroughly bums me out, because I cannot return to my former Twizzler-binging ways on day eleven.

And my favorite moments in this post:

‘”Fools rush in” I mumbled.’
and
“I started mine when I looked at myself naked in the mirrow and was revolted by what I saw.”

Laughed out loud. Thank you for dieting so I could be amused.

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Keyona October 21, 2010 at 11:36 pm

We’ll be here to catch you when you fall. Or not. Whatever.
Seriously though, good luck!

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Amy @ Bitchin' Wives Club October 22, 2010 at 5:22 am

Good luck! I hope those 99 virgins are worth the effort….

I am on a strict moon-faced steroid diet over on my side of the pond, so I will be eyeing your progress over here with a bit of jealousy.

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Kimberly October 22, 2010 at 12:48 pm

what happens if you have 3 cups of coffee?

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magpie October 22, 2010 at 1:53 pm

ninety-nine virgin whats?

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Ann's Rants
Twitter:
October 22, 2010 at 2:06 pm

tiny bullet shaped sausages are crying ADKINS…ADKINS!

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annie October 24, 2010 at 7:50 pm

Ugh – good luck with that!!! Although, I have to admit, I feel 1000% better when I cut out sugar. Just stay positive 😉

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Shannon October 24, 2010 at 8:54 pm

Hilarious- simply because I borrowed my friend’s copy of the South Beach Diet book and could not get past the third page. Something about the whole “this is going to suck, but you will get used to living without your fave foods” kind of threw me for a loop. Good luck and I will be living vicariously through you and your new svelte body!

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monica November 7, 2010 at 12:30 pm

I did South Beach and lost 20 pounds and kept it off for 2 years until I got pregnant. I had to psych myself up for it and honestly I would have killed you if you had stood between me and an Oreo on day three but if you can tough out the first two weeks (which suck, I won’t lie) you will see a difference. I need to do it again to get rid of the last of the baby weight but now that I know how much it sucked the first time I’m having a hard time psyching myself up again. Oh well. Maybe tomorrow. Or maybe I could just get pregnant again. That sounds like a much better idea!

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