Stand Up for Champagne

by Marinka on January 13, 2009

If you’re like me, you really like to watch TV and get massages. But if you’re like other people, you are looking for small but meaningful ways to make this world a better place. Maybe one of your New Year’s resolutions was to get more involved with a cause you believe in–whether it be to make a financial contribution, volunteer your time, or just read up on an issue important to you and discuss it with your friends, hoping to start a grass roots movement.

And there are many worthy causes. We have to be better at supporting our veterans. The economy is taking a toll on services available to the homeless. The food pantries in many soup kitchens have been sparse.  There is child abuse and neglect and our civil liberties are threatened.

But when I sat down to read my weekly issue of the New Yorker, I could not avert my eyes from an advertisement that warned me of the latest outrage against our values and way of life:

It’s true.

Through a legal loophole, devised by Satan himself, American wine makers can now call their sparkling wine Champagne, even though it does not come from the Champagne region in France. I know.  It took me a while to calm down after I read that, too.

I visited the website that encouraged me to sign the petition protesting this anti-Champagnism.  I admit that I was pleasantly surprised to see that they had a Champagne hotline, although their response time to my plea of “I’m out of champagne, and also rubbing alcohol!!”  has been disappointing.  They also offered Champagne Kits, asking “Does your wine club need champagne?” Does it ever!  My wine club (membership: 1) could really use some champagne!

But overall, I feel like the advertisement calling attention to their plight could be better.  The “might be legal but it isn’t fair” tagline is so fucking whiny, it makes you want to hit the gin instead of the bubbly. (WAIT A MINUTE:  is it fair to use the term bubbly?)  So, in the spirit of promoting international peace, I wanted to come up with a more effective tagline.
Here are my suggestions:
1. If you’ve been drinking American “champagne”, you’ve been poisoned.
2. Champagne comes only from France.  I dare you not to drink it. I dare you.  (This would involve a Robert Ulrch celebrity endorsement, with a miniature bottle of champagne placed on his shoulder)
3. Champagne from France: Because you’re not a common lush. (slight danger of offending common lushes. Because we can be sensitive.)
Please add your own. And to encourage you to submit yours in comments, I will select the catchiest and drink a glass of champagne (from France!) in that person’s honor. I know. The things that I do for you.

One year ago ...

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{ 54 comments… read them below or add one }

Ann's Rants January 13, 2009 at 6:28 pm

“Champagne: Either waste half a bottle or enjoy a nasty fucking hangover”


Imogen Lamport January 13, 2009 at 6:32 pm

Sparkling Wine is not Champagne and will give you a nasty hangover if you drink 3 bottles in 1 sitting.


SoMi's Nilsa January 13, 2009 at 6:39 pm

You know what’s so sad? This post sent me running for my New Yorker to see that ad. And you know what? I couldn’t find it. You must be reading Cosmo and passing it off for something way more high brow. Because there’s no way there could be regional differences in advertising. Right? =)


adlibby January 13, 2009 at 6:40 pm

Massages give me the heebie jeebies and champagne is for wimps. I drink vodka from a bottle I just pull out of the freezer!


Marinka January 13, 2009 at 6:41 pm

Nilsa–really? Page 7, Jan. 19th issue. glug, glug.


rightonmom January 13, 2009 at 6:41 pm

In the name of all things holy and decent, please drink only Champagne that comes from France, not Oregon. Or California.
Now, can I join your wine club?


P.K. January 13, 2009 at 7:28 pm

Are you suggesting that my New Jersey champagne is somehow inferior than your fancy French stuff?

Ha ha, just kidding. I have no idea if New Jersey makes any sparkling wines. I know North Carolina does, though, and it’s super yummy. And no, I’m not sharing.


Braja January 13, 2009 at 7:34 pm

Warning: Cheap-shit bubbly will make your head explode.


Charmaine January 13, 2009 at 7:40 pm

Champagne Champagne
A drink devine.
50 dollars worth of bubbles,
3 dollars worth of wine.


Marinka January 13, 2009 at 7:43 pm

There’s a slight chance that Charmaine will be disqualified from this competition because her name rhymes with champagne and she has unfair advantage.


Amy@Bitchin'WivesClub January 13, 2009 at 7:51 pm

Only TRUE ladies and gentlemen drink Champagne. …American Sparkling Wine is for pussies.


Vodka Mom January 13, 2009 at 7:51 pm

Champagne- It’s the new vodka.


Swistle January 13, 2009 at 7:56 pm

1. “With a name like Champagne, it’s got to be French. Or else we’ll fantasize about it being not only fair but also legal to sue your asses.”

2. “Champagne: It’s expensive, and so we want you to pay us for it. I mean, duh, wouldn’t you, if you were us?”

3. “Champagne: It’s what’s for dinner. As long as you’re in FRANCE, WHICH IS THE ONLY REAL CHAMPAGNE LOCATION, YOU GAUCHE MORONS.”

4. “Champagne: If it’s not from France, we’ll cut off your wife’s pinky finger.”


TMCPhoto January 13, 2009 at 8:15 pm

If it’s not from France it’s Horse Piss cut with mineral water…


Tooj January 13, 2009 at 8:37 pm

And for the briefest moment I thought we were going to get a serious Marinka post…I was worried, but you came through!


the mama bird diaries January 13, 2009 at 8:50 pm

Drink real Champagne from France. Freedom champagne from the United States if for stupid Americans.


anymommy January 13, 2009 at 8:50 pm

Champagne comes from France. Anything else is just cheap American crap, with bubbles.

Actually I’m not picky. It’s all the same after the first few glasses. Although, I have had Veuve (sp?) a few times lately. Yum. However, I think I have a future in advertising.


blognut January 13, 2009 at 8:59 pm

Join the champagne campaign!

Buy it from France and you’ll get in her pants!


Do You Hear Voices? January 13, 2009 at 9:07 pm

I’m going to be a killjoy here, even though I think the slogans are hilarious.

According to a recent study, wine from France (including champagne) contains unacceptable levels of heavy metals ( Stick to Prosecco instead!


ella January 13, 2009 at 9:09 pm

I live in a wine-producing region. The snobbery is omnipresent. You will be judged by what bottle you bring to a pot-luck.
And only hillbillys would bring what we call a “Sparkler”.


Jana January 13, 2009 at 9:57 pm

Robert Conrad, not Robert Urich, had the battery on his shoulder. Man, I am really old.


Threeboys1mommy January 13, 2009 at 10:10 pm

Again with The New Yorker! I told you once before my FICO isn’t high enough for a subscription.

Call me when Colt 45 malt liquor has legal woes. I’ll come to their rescue.


Anna Lefler January 13, 2009 at 10:28 pm

“Why drink fake champagne when you can drink real malt liquor?”




heartatpreschool January 13, 2009 at 10:42 pm

If you don’t know the difference between “real” champagne and champagne impersonators, you don’t deserve to be drinking it.

I don’t really feel like that…I just thought it sounded funny. Did you know that if you put a spoon in an open bottle of champagne, it will preserve the bubbly, so you can drink it later. At least that’s what our friends who are into champagne told us. Hey…I just realized that maybe they just want us to look stupid with spoons sticking out of our champagne bottles. What the?

Nice winter look on your blog!


La Belette Rouge January 13, 2009 at 11:53 pm

Are you saying that there are people who don’t live TV and champagne? Nah!;-)


Kylie w Warszawie January 14, 2009 at 3:12 am

I’m not clever enough to come up with something.

Although my dad’s would be “Why drink fake champagne when cheap wine from a box is so much…cheaper.”


PinkLizzy January 14, 2009 at 4:20 am

“Be a classy patriot – drink champagne”

Get it? Huh? Huh? Freedom fries? Hahahahahahaha! America is funny.


Belle January 14, 2009 at 4:40 am

Do you watch T.V. and get massages at the same time? Do you have to pay/bribe the person that massages you (while you watch T.V.) Can I borrow this person for a while (say – a year). I’m prepared to pay them copious amounts of money and feed them French champagne.


OHmommy January 14, 2009 at 5:46 am

Yeah…. the husband and I were talking about this over New Years. So not write.

It’s like calling all stilettos Jimmy Choos, or something. Right? I haven’t had my cup of tea this morning.


Kristine January 14, 2009 at 6:32 am

I’ve got nothing, but I’m loving the slogans.


The Dental Maven January 14, 2009 at 6:42 am

American Champagne – Drink more with less.


MommyTime January 14, 2009 at 7:54 am

In order to give French champagne a bad name, I think we should go the route we went when we renamed french fries “Freedom Fries” so that we wouldn’t have to pronounce the evil name of France in our oh-so-pure-and-craving-fried-fat mouths. SO let’s call American champagne: “Freedom Bubbles.” It’s way better than that snooty hard-to-pronounce French word anyway.

Also the Campaign Against American Interlopers could use a tagline:

“Don’t be a giant American Champain in the Ass: Drink Real French Champagne”


omnidudemeandthebean January 14, 2009 at 7:58 am

Demand French champagne, don’t settle for backwash bubbles.

I need French champagne “tout de suit”. I am at work after all…
Oh, and I’ll join your wine club if you’re accepting applications. My supplies are always steadily dwindling. Go figure.


peajaye January 14, 2009 at 8:04 am

Don’t go to Paris if you don’t…
1. like Pokeman
2. know how to speak francias (french)
3. like hights
4. like asparagis
5. travel with someone else
6. like getting shit-faced on champagne like mommy does

Trust me – I have experience.


Irish Gumbo January 14, 2009 at 8:13 am

“Champagne – It’s not just for breakfast anymore, because it’s cheaper in America!”

Now, how about a campaign to liberate Scotch?


WA January 14, 2009 at 8:43 am

Whenever I drink champagne, I wind up wearing a pink, masquerade mask and pretending I’m French, too. So what’s the problem?


Marinka January 14, 2009 at 9:09 am

Peajaye–you may be a genius. For anyone who missed the reference–it’s to a post where I wrote about my daughter’s list about Paris:

Everyone who commented is a genius. I’m getting alarmed that you guys are funnier than I am. Scale back a bit, will you?


Insta-mom January 14, 2009 at 10:39 am

Well, of course they want to use the champagne name. A fine “Walla Walla” just does not have the same ring to it. Unless you’re a common lush like me.


silvergirl January 14, 2009 at 10:39 am

1) For every bottle of American champagne you drink, there’s a Frere Jacques who never wakes up.

2) Champagne is for poor people…drink Shawmp-Pahn-Nya! (I’m thinking Pierce Brosnan?)


Jeanne January 14, 2009 at 11:31 am

If your cat had kittens in the oven, you wouldn’t call them biscuits — so why are you calling that cat piss Champagne?


FishermansDaughter January 14, 2009 at 11:51 am

“French Champagne – only for winers (whiners – get it?!) with class”

“French Champagne – only for winers with taste.”

“Champagne – the OTHER sparkling wine”

“Champagne – the difference between effervesce and carbonate”

“Champagne – it’s what’s for breakfast – pass the croissant”

“American champagne is to French champagne what Freedom Fries are to French Fries”

I could go on – but unlike me, you probably have a life…


Sophie, Inzaburbs January 14, 2009 at 12:46 pm

Actually, I want that pretty Champagne with the little mask.

Where can I get that pretty Champagne with the little mask???


Maura January 14, 2009 at 12:48 pm

Skip the controversy: Drink Prosecco.


Memarie Lane January 14, 2009 at 1:46 pm

What a heinous deception! That’s like those jerks at Oscar Mayer and their balogna. Did you know it doesn’t even come from Bologne???? True story!


Momo Fali January 14, 2009 at 2:56 pm

“Don’t drink American ‘Champagne’. Those fat, lazy bastards probably use a screw top.”


Kirsten January 14, 2009 at 3:06 pm

I don’t have a witty slogan. I am just so proud of you for taking up such a worthy cause. Brava.


Leigh (Modern Mommy) January 14, 2009 at 3:44 pm

Posts like this make we wish I could drink Champagne and not get a rash and jaw pain. Of course, once the rashy feeling starts you just kinda figure you might as well go all in and drink the whole bottle… so, here’s my slogan:

Drink ‘real’ Champagne from France.
Because you’re not just a drunk unfit mother. You’re cultured.


Domestic Goddess (In Training) January 14, 2009 at 3:59 pm

I have no slogan for Champagne. I don’t like it, so as long as I can go for whatever vodka I want… life is good.


Heather, Queen of Shake Shake January 14, 2009 at 4:41 pm

Don’t drink cheap ass champagne or you’ll be all “Do You Hear Voices?”

Don’t drink cheap ass champagne or voices will tell you horrid, horrid lies about heavy metals.

Drink French champagne and learn how to feed heavy metals to killjoys.


SoMi's Nilsa January 15, 2009 at 8:39 am

Just checked … you New Yorkers (pun intended) are so ahead of us Chicagoans … we’ve only got up through January 12. I’ll have to check the next one when it arrives…


Maggie May January 17, 2009 at 11:50 am

oh my god! i had no idea. i drink ‘champagne’ all the time and was wondering (birds tweeting, crickets chirping) why it was not expensive when i hear everyone (magazines, tv) say it IS expensive, and now realize it IS expensive when it’s actually champagne!!! sniff.


Z January 17, 2009 at 12:33 pm

First, “If you’re like me, you really like to watch TV and get massages.” We are SO the same person.

Second, I know Robert Ulrich! Well, kind of. But not through a NYC celeb-spotting, because you know I don’t have those. No, because I went to highschool with his kids. Well, his daughter. And his son for a semester until he got kicked out. And I think I still have his daughters bike stored in my parents garage at home. Just sayin’. Totally random, I know, but since you happened to mention one of those celebrities I actually know… If you want to do a post on the Sound Of Music next, I could totally come back with a comment about the Von Trapp family. Yeah? Interested?


Heather January 18, 2009 at 10:07 am

I am leaving this comment and then I am going to open a bottle of Veuve Clicquot. Real champagne is the only way to go.


Heather January 20, 2009 at 8:59 am

I just want you to know I linked to this post on my blog today. Cheers!!!


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