Teats

by Marinka on October 6, 2011

The other day I had this conversation with my friend Ruby. Ruby is not her real name, but for reasons that will soon become crystal clear, she wishes to remain internet-anonymous.

“I’m worried about Bubbles,” Ruby tells me.

“Who the fuck is Bubbles?” I say, sort of hoping that Ruby is now a Madame and that Bubbles is one of the whores that’s slacking off. Because that would bring on some kick-ass posts for my blog.

“She’s my dog,” Ruby tells me. Like I’m supposed to keep track of these things.

“What’s wrong with Bubbles?” I ask.

“Her teats are swollen and she is sort of gaining weight and is lethargic.”

“First of all, please stop saying teats,” I ask Ruby.

This is very different from the whorehouse scenario and I’m disappointed. My blog is really going to suffer as a result and none of this is my fault.

“Well they are swollen. It’s like she’s pregnant.”

“OMG, do you think your whore bitch of a dog is pregnant?”

“I don’t know. She’s not fixed. And she gets walked by a dog walker who has a group of dogs.”

“So Bubbles had group sex?”

“I DON’T KNOW,” Ruby sounds tense, like Bubbles’ moral shortcomings are my fault.. “But you should see her teats!”

The fuck?

Why does that word even exist?
It’s like verbal nails on the chalkboard and Sarah Palin’s voice remix.

“Bubbles needs to get an abortion,” I tell her. God knows there are a lot of unwanted puppies in the world and Bubbles doesn’t seem like the maternal type to me.

Mostly because she’s a whore.

“I can’t get her an abortion,” Ruby tells me. “I’m Catholic.”

I swear, I’m so sick of the Vatican standing in the way of canine reproductive freedom.

But then Ruby and I talk some more and we realize that this could be a hysterical pregnancy. Like maybe Bubbles is one of those crazy Lifetime Television for Women bitches who thinks she’s pregnant and snags another dog’s baby from the nursery.

“You have to find out,” I urge Ruby, thinking of my blog post, I mean, Bubbles. And my absolute need never to hear the word teats again.

And Ruby hesitates. “What?” I ask, a little too urgently.

And she confesses that she’s too embarrassed to go to the vet and admit that she doesn’t know if her bitch of a dog is pregnant. She doesn’t want to be that dog owner.

“Look,” I reassure her lovingly. “You need to know. Bubbles needs to know. If she is pregnant, she needs to take prenatal vitamins and stop smoking and all that other nonsense.”

And my wisdom convinced Ruby.

“Thank you, Marinka, for your wisdom,” Ruby says, albeit not in so many words.

A few days later, she takes Bubbles to the vet. And the ultrasound doesn’t reveal any puppies, but the vet says that it may be too early. And that if Bubbles does have a hysterical pregnancy, it will have to run its course, with Bubbles going through the pregnancy, reading What To Expect When You’re Expecting, nesting, ordering puppy clothes from Hanna Anderson, the whole shebang.

So I get a brilliant idea.

“Hey, why don’t we get Bubblelicious a hysterical abortion?” I mean, I know Ruby is Catholic (although I’ve known Ruby for almost twenty years and this is the first I’ve ever heard of it) but Catholicism doesn’t stand in the way of fake abortions, does it?!

But Ruby won’t hear of it.

Probably because she’s a hysterical Catholic.

Got milk?

One year ago ...

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{ 29 comments… read them below or add one }

Kate, aka guavalicious October 6, 2011 at 10:07 am

Now the word teats will be running through my head the rest of the day. Your work here is done.

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Becky
Twitter:
October 6, 2011 at 10:16 am

Hysterical Catholicism — so *that’s* what I’ve been suffering from for all these years.

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Kristine
Twitter:
October 6, 2011 at 10:16 am

This was HYSTERICAL.

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Megan October 6, 2011 at 10:21 am

Teats.

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Pamela
Twitter:
October 6, 2011 at 10:40 am

You *had* to show us.
Because nine jillion mentions of fatty teats just wasn’t enough.

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Wendi
Twitter:
October 6, 2011 at 10:42 am

Obviously Ruby got a teat job.

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anymommy October 6, 2011 at 11:40 am

Way better than the whorehouse scenario.

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Sherry Carr-Smith
Twitter:
October 6, 2011 at 11:44 am

I manage, most days, to avoid hearing or reading the word “teats”. It’s something I’m proud of. Now I feel all gross. Bubbles needs to keep her legs closed. Gah.

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BrassyDel
Twitter:
October 6, 2011 at 12:25 pm

I’m not sure how I read this entire post and then thought, “Awww, I bet her puppies will be adorable and I WANT ONE,” but that happened. FACEPALM.

Just about the LAST thing I need in my life is one more mutt, especially a freaking puppy.

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Melissa October 6, 2011 at 12:35 pm

LOL, prenatal vitamins and stop smoking! Seriously, who says that? I’m not gonna say it myself.

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Mandy October 6, 2011 at 12:54 pm

SO FUNNY.

I had a cat who got pregnant and I asked the vet about a kitty abortion but she said no. Maybe the vet was a hysterical catholic?

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Suzy
Twitter:
October 6, 2011 at 1:09 pm

You used the word “albeit” which made me think of a design blog I read where the designer wrote “all be it.”

When you throw Teats in the trash, please add Moist and Panties.

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Tracy
Twitter:
October 6, 2011 at 1:09 pm

Hilarious, although I kind of love the word teats.

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Anna Nonamus
Twitter:
October 6, 2011 at 2:05 pm

Maybe she had hysterical group sex. The dog, I mean. Not your friend. Though, you never know. It’s always the quiet ones…

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magpie October 6, 2011 at 2:08 pm

So that’s what those dogs do on those group walks.

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Peajaye October 6, 2011 at 2:14 pm

Surely, Animal Planet has the equivalent of “16 & Pregnant” or “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant.” Couldn’t you get Bubbles on one of those and cash in?

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Alexandra
Twitter:
October 6, 2011 at 10:26 pm

Oh, god, pls forgive me.

But tears are rolling down my cheeks while I pray the rosary at the same time.

You’re going to make me go straight to hell. I call the left side of the basket.

“Look,” I reassure her lovingly. “You need to know. Bubbles needs to know. If she is pregnant, she needs to take prenatal vitamins and stop smoking and all that other nonsense.”

DYING.

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Donna October 6, 2011 at 10:37 pm

Oh my gosh this is to dang funny! I have to share this with my sister! She had my grandma kitty sit for her and the cat got prego… My grandma wanted no part of the kitten thing and took it to the vet to have an abortion! I thought my sister was going to die! I still tease her about poor curious the cat never getting to have babies. My grandma also had the cat fixed at the same time.

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Erin I'm Gonna Kill Him
Twitter:
October 6, 2011 at 11:13 pm

Teats is definitely a word that I hate. Though in theory because I don’t think I’ve actually ever heard another person utter it.

Bubbles and her Rhythm Method. Fucks you every time.

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Tinne from Tantrums and Tomatoes October 7, 2011 at 7:48 am

I didn’t even know the word (I’n native dutch speaker, gimmeabreak)!
And who says bloghopping is not productive?! I learned a new word today, albeit a gross one…

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Robin October 7, 2011 at 8:47 am

Is it wrong that the first thought I had after you mentioned hysterical abortion was “they need to have doggie abortion protests at the doggie planned parenthood?”

Christ, I am going to hell….

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Ann
Twitter:
October 7, 2011 at 9:51 am

I can’t believe Suzy already beat me to “panties.” Hysterical post.

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Mama Kat October 7, 2011 at 10:20 am

So then why ARE her teats swollen??

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Jane's Junk and Treasures October 7, 2011 at 11:01 am

There are no words…………….I am in tears!!!
Teats………..good lord!

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Marta
Twitter:
October 7, 2011 at 12:17 pm

You better keep us up to date on this hysterical pregnancy abortion. I’m just biting my nails in anticipation!

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dusty earth mother October 7, 2011 at 7:50 pm

Them’s some nasty teats.

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The Flying Chalupa
Twitter:
October 7, 2011 at 8:22 pm

HYSTERICAL. Not in the hysterical Catholic way, but hysterical nonetheless. I think Bubbles got you a damn good post, my friend.

And speaking of TEATS, I got squirted with milk from a cow’s teat at a farm on a freaking preschool field trip yesterday. So there. Not that I’m engaging in teat-oneupmanship.

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julie October 7, 2011 at 9:44 pm

OMG that was so funny! My husband’s dog had a hysterical pregnancy. But I too do not like the word teats.

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K A B L O O E Y
Twitter:
October 8, 2011 at 12:04 am

Reading the word “teats” is fine, unless it’s in a memoir by someone who used to see me naked. Seeing that particular blotchy pink underbelly was not at all necessary. Nope. Could have lived a long, happy life without seeing the pink. But the idea of shopping for fine cotton washable leggings in a rainbow of colors from Hanna Anderson for Dogs? With the matching Playdress/Daydress? That’s heaven. Well-dressed dog heaven. (But wait for the sales.)

Reply

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