The Client List

by Marinka on April 10, 2012

On Sunday night, I watched The Client List. Or I tried to. Because the instant it came on, Husbandrinka walked into the room.

“Who’s that?” he asked and then didn’t even answer for me to answer. “Wow, is that Cybill Shepherd? That must have been filmed 20 years ago when she was a lot younger.”

“It was filmed this year,” I said.

“And who’s that?” he continued, hardly pausing, “she looks familiar.”

“That’s Jennifer Love Hewitt,” I told him.

“Oh, that’s right.”

“What do you mean that’s right? There’s no way that you could know who she is.”

“I’ve seen the posters on all the buses for weeks,” he explained.

Whatever.

“This looks really stupid,” he added before he left the room, not a moment too soon. One of the reasons I married Husbandrinka, besides love, is that he is not a big talker. And at no time is the not talking more important than when I’m watching TV.

So I settled in.

Jennifer Love Hewitt is Riley, a housewife who needs to go back to work because her husband lost his job (I’m a little fuzzy on why/how/whatever because I was busy reviewing the cast with my husband during the all-important introductory scenes. Cybill Shepherd is her mother. And Bruce Willis is probably her father, but that’s just a total guess on my part.)

So Riley, who occasionally has a Southern accent, goes to work as a masseuse and you’re not going to believe this, but apparently the girls who give a little something extra, wink, wink, make more money than the ones who don’t. I was really shocked too, especially what with being born yesterday and all.

So at first Riley Love Hewitt is all “NO! I’m a married woman!” – because marriage is the best line of defense against prostitution, but then she comes home and finds out that her husband left her (again, I’m not sure exactly how/why because my own husband instead of leaving me, re-appeared and asked why I was watching “such crap”. Although, and sorry for the spoiler, it turns out that he was sort of psychic on that point.)

With her husband gone, and her bills mounting, Riley decides what the hell! Let me try the world’s oldest profession. Her first customer is someone who brings her a negligee to wear. Apparently this client has a serious Peep fetish, but the show does not address this directly.

The good news for Riley is that all her clients are super nice and friendly and appear to be professional bodybuilders. They’re also sensitive and friendly. As a matter of fact the worst client she has to deal with has back hair, but fortunately he’s just there for a massage.

I predict that as a result of The Client List, most women in America will become professional massage therapists and/or prostitutes by 2013.

And then something amazing happens. This one guy just wants to talk because (and you’re not going to believe this, but please don’t accuse me of lying) his wife just doesn’t understand him. See, he’s really in love with his wife (probably because she’s being portrayed by Mimi Rogers — hey, remember when she was married to Tom Cruise? I wonder if they still stay in touch?) but he thinks she’s more interested in her friends and charity work. Sigh.

Do you know what Riley does? She talks to him about reconnecting with his wife. It’s almost like she has a heart made of some sort of precious metal or something.

There’s some sort of drama because her husband’s brother comes by and there’s a hint of a flirtation, but because he looks like every client on her List it’s hard to say where this will go.

Overall, the premise is sort of like Weeds (husband gone, wife must support kids) but without the marijuana and the excellent writing and Mary Louis-Parker.

Needless to say I can’t wait to tune in next week!

 

One year ago ...

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{ 21 comments… read them below or add one }

Tinne from Tantrums and Tomatoes April 10, 2012 at 7:41 am

Gosh, I’m tempted to do so myself. Watch the Client List I mean, not become a massage-prostitute.

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NCMT April 10, 2012 at 7:45 am

And actual Massage Therapists the world over are saying, “Thank you, Jennifer Love Hewitt, for helping fuel the stereotype that we are all secret prostitutes.”
We weren’t getting enough of that in our daily lives, and would just LOVE for this trash to inspire women to enter our profession.

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Desiree April 10, 2012 at 9:40 am

I DVR’ed it – and watched about ten minutes before the ridiculous music and accents made me delete it. Wow. My husband just sat there and shook his head, I told him he should be thrilled we were watching JLH in skimpy clothes – he turns to me and says “Well it is not making up for the rest of it”…. There ya go. 🙂

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Stephanie Precourt April 10, 2012 at 9:55 am

Now I kind of want to watch it! Or can I just read your weekly re-caps?

Steph

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Brittany
Twitter:
April 10, 2012 at 10:56 am

Clearly I am amde to simple follow your internet recaps of TV I should be watching. I am going to cry again.

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Megan April 10, 2012 at 10:56 am

This is not a Lifetime movie? How is that possible?

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meekasmommy April 10, 2012 at 11:30 am

I’ve totally been seeing those posters/billboards/whatevers EVERYWHERE … but didn’t get around to seeing the show, so thanks for the excellent recap 😉

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Dawn
Twitter:
April 10, 2012 at 12:27 pm

Is this opposite a Real Housewives episode? Or WWE? Because if so, I will never get a chance to watch it. Which is probably OK because 1. I don’t need my husband interrupting yet ANOTHER TV show I watch (I have already used up my TV free time by watching the aforementioned Housewives episode), and 2. I don’t need my husband thinking that all massages should end in a happy way (who has time for THAT??).

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hokgardner
Twitter:
April 10, 2012 at 12:38 pm

Thank you for taking one for the team and watching it. Now I don’t have to.

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Jonathan April 10, 2012 at 12:43 pm

This sounds like wall to wall buffoonery – I am rushing to see if I can catch a re-airing!

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Jen April 10, 2012 at 2:09 pm

I saw the Lifetime movie that Jennifer Love Hewitt did and was like ‘eh’. It seems to me that Lifetime is struggling for shows and willing to make anything into a series.

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anna see April 10, 2012 at 2:47 pm

can’t believe i haven’t heard of this show before… considering how Mad Men is kind of letting me down this season, maybe i’ll check this out. maybe.

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Inelegant Life
Twitter:
April 10, 2012 at 5:03 pm

I’ll watch it again, if only to see JLH in skimpy clothing. She is hot. It IS a watered-down Weeds, for sure. And as I pointed out to my husband, if there were to be such a client list I can almost guarantee they would mostly look like the hairy guy and not the studly men she manages to see.
I for one have no problem with massage therapists who give happy endings. If I could find one for Man Figure, I’d send him happily along his way. Except I’m pretty sure it’s illegal and I’d rather not have to deal with THAT on top of the rest of the crap in my life right now. Also pretty sure this will gain me a world of haters, but whatever.
I do know that the majority of massage therapists do not work this way and that it’s a very respectable profession I could never be a part of since I don’t like to touch people.

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Wendi
Twitter:
April 10, 2012 at 5:27 pm

I’m so excited that most women in the future will be hooker/massage therapists! Thanks for the positive review!

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Gretchen April 11, 2012 at 12:19 pm

I’ve been considering prostitution for years, but it just seems like so much work!

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Jonathan April 11, 2012 at 1:36 pm

I went to watch it after your review and I loved it! It is so unintentionally hilarious, I couldn’t stop watching. Every 10 minutes or so she’d remember she was from the south and throw in a ya’ll or change the inflection of one word. And only the athletes with perfect bodies wanted the happy endings whereas the average and ugly guys just wanted to lay there like they were dead. And who knew there was such a wide range of tips -a hand full of single dollar bills for a regular massage and a hand full of hundreds for the Riley special ? lol I can’t wait to see what they come up with for next week.

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Lady Jennie April 11, 2012 at 5:15 pm

Oh so it’s a new tv series. Now that’s the last thing I need is another one.

But if it’s good, I might just consider it.

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Marta
Twitter:
April 11, 2012 at 6:33 pm

This sounds nothing like the excellence of Weeds! I’d pick drug dealing over prostitution any day! That is unless I was a madam.

New show idea: Husband leaves wife and she must support kids so she starts a prostitution ring online of all of her online mommy friends and becomes the great madam and her friends get extra money and soon the company gets so big because she has friends all over the world and then suddenly some of the other moms want to be madams instead of prostitutes and think of all the places this could go!

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The mama bird diaries
Twitter:
April 11, 2012 at 6:41 pm

I miss Party of Five

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Jami Newkirk April 12, 2012 at 1:15 pm

Ditto!

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Jami Newkirk April 12, 2012 at 1:15 pm

Ok, so glad that someone clarified that yes this WAS a Lifetime movie before. I started to think I was clarvoiant (but only about Jennifer Love Hewitts career demise) . I usually get sucked into those all too predictable Lifetime movies so I’m sure this will be another guilty pleasure.

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