The Onions

by Marinka on December 9, 2010

Husbandrinka went to Costco over the weekend and I haven’t had a moment’s peace since.

Because he bought this:

Still Life, Before The Tears

A kazillion pound bag of onions. My stepson saw the onions displayed and asked me if we were stocking up against an onion shortage. The answer is apparently yes, and judging by the size of the stockpile, the shortage is interplanetary.

My friend Susan tried to put a positive spin on it, telling me that we can make delicious onion pie. I assume that the pie calls for 80 onions.

The weird thing is that although I usually cook a lot, since The Onions arrived, I have not made one thing. It’s like some kind of Onion Paralysis.

And I can’t get rid of the motherfuckers. Last night Papa was over and I offered him some. Do you know what my own father said to me? My own flesh and blood? “What, I should stick them up my ass? Why I need onion all of sudden?”

My friend Loralee is visiting and she also politely declined. I think she doesn’t want to spoil her kin back home with such fancy NYC souvenirs.

Whatever.

I’m thisclose to hosting an Onion giveaway on this blog. First prize, one onion, second prize two onions.

It’s like onions are the new Philadelphia or something.

And yes, Husbandrinka is on Costco probation.

_____________________________
Psst! If you’re like me, you like to kill as many birds with one onion as possible. Stone! I mean STONE! And here’s a great way to do that. Go here, read the post and PayPal some money over to help a family in need. And what do you get for your efforts, besides feeling like a human being for once who lends a helping hand? Why, Stefanie will give your blog a shout-out. And apparently when Stefanie gives your blog a shout-out, it’s very different than when an Onion gives your blog a shout-out (which is another way that The Onions have really failed me. Sigh.)

I made a donation because I really wanted to get that whole “good deed” stuff over with this holiday season, and you should, too! But if you don’t want to, it’s ok. I’ll just send you an Onion.

One year ago ...

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What I asked for, what I got | Halala Mama
January 16, 2011 at 11:50 pm

{ 37 comments… read them below or add one }

Megan
Twitter:
December 9, 2010 at 9:56 am

Does Husbandrinka take his lunch to work? Because I think I read somewhere that an onion a day keeps the undertaker away.

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the mama bird diaries
Twitter:
December 9, 2010 at 9:58 am

I have about six jars of pickles in my fridge, courtesy of my husband. I’m going to go hunt down a pickles and onion recipe.

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CSY December 9, 2010 at 10:15 am

Where was Husbandrinka when my daughter needed onions for her science fair project? I’d’ve bought some from you…THEN I’d have had a GOOD reason to come to NYC from FLA.

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Stefanie December 9, 2010 at 10:57 am

You are so sweet to do this. One of your good-looking, and I mean insanely gorgeous readers, Lynn, sent me a big chunk o’ change and blamed you.

This family is going to have everything on their list and then some thanks to you and everyone who’s spreading the word. We’re at 1315 dollars so far!

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pam December 9, 2010 at 1:31 pm

Stefanie your link isn’t working.

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JK December 9, 2010 at 10:58 am

I like to use frozen onions for cooking. Maybe you could slice/dice some and freeze them? Maybe you’ll get more takers this way too. Good luck!

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magpie December 9, 2010 at 11:20 am

I love that Onions has become a proper noun.

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Marinka December 9, 2010 at 12:38 pm

At this stage, the Onions are practically family members.

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Awesome dude December 9, 2010 at 11:56 am

Calling all King David’s kindness to help me.

1. I am not your flesh and blood, you are my flesh and blood.

2. I did not advice anything about onions placement.

3. The whole thing represents a castration complex in one of you. About 300 hours of psychotherapy will be needed to establish whose it is specifically and whose fault it is.

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Marinka December 9, 2010 at 11:58 am

yes, one King David, coming right up.

About number 2 only– I didn’t say that you advised me about onion placement, but when I offered you to take some, what did you say?

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DESTINEY December 9, 2010 at 12:34 pm

ONION RINGS!

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Marinka December 9, 2010 at 12:42 pm

For the Christmas tree, right?

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Peajaye
Twitter:
December 9, 2010 at 12:34 pm

I think you need to invite your Italian mother-in-law over for a cooking weekend, and those onions will be gone before you know it: Meatballs! Gravy! Lasagne! Sausage & pepper! Caponata! You might even have to send Husbandrinka back to Costco to buy more onions!

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Marinka December 9, 2010 at 12:41 pm

That’s a great idea, why didn’t I think of it?

Oh, I know. Because I’m not insane.

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Awesome dude December 9, 2010 at 12:38 pm

Answer to item #2:

I do not remember, but since I did not need onions at any point in my adult life, I most likely used a generic Russian expression that that defines the lack of such need.

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Marinka December 9, 2010 at 12:39 pm

ha! And what is that generic Russian expression to express such lack of need of Onions?

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b.a. seagull
Twitter:
December 9, 2010 at 12:39 pm

I will trade you several cases of seltzer for one onion. My husband buys so many at Costco that he has to keep some cases in our car trunk. Wish I was kidding.

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Marinka December 9, 2010 at 12:41 pm

That sounds extremely dangerous. I mean, what if the seltzer freezes and then explodes? Or explodes and then freezes? Either way, this is a very bad situation. I’m alerting Homeland Security.

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b.a. seagull
Twitter:
December 9, 2010 at 2:11 pm

just alert my husband. maybe he will listen to you.

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Awesome dude December 9, 2010 at 1:33 pm

Any of them will do.

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elizabeth-flourish in progress
Twitter:
December 9, 2010 at 2:07 pm

This is just insane. Way too good to be true. I come here to get a few laughs and I get a few laughs AND some onions.

I’m really starting to like you. Then again, if you don’t send me any onions, you can forget I ever said that.

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Marinka December 9, 2010 at 2:32 pm

Oh I’ll send you onions. Especially if you live outside my window. They should be “dropping by” shortly.

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Suebob
Twitter:
December 9, 2010 at 2:19 pm

Onion confit. Delicious. Uses a lot of onions. Slice them in the food processor (or while wearing goggles) to avoid the crying.

http://chowhound.chow.com/topics/268931

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Holly December 9, 2010 at 2:28 pm

Ding-dong-ditch. We do this when my husband gets the overwhelming desire to buy copious amounts of squash. Ring a neighbor’s doorbell, deposit onions on doorstep, and run.

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Marinka December 9, 2010 at 2:31 pm

I live in NYC, you know. That shit’ll get me shanked.

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Holly December 9, 2010 at 8:22 pm

Hence the “ditch.”

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Issa
Twitter:
December 9, 2010 at 3:16 pm

French Onion soup?

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Annie December 9, 2010 at 5:32 pm

So, this post is hysterical. And I just went back and read a few more…which are hysterical, too. Obviously.

But I am wondering what is wrong with me because I don’t know why it has taken so long for me to find fellow NYC bloggers. Whatever. I guess I am just happy I am starting to find you all now.

And I am at Costco ALL THE TIME because 1. It is awesome. 2. The pizza and frozen yogurt 3. I live two second away in Harlem.
So maybe I will bump into some time there…unless you go to that one in Brooklyn with the weird escalator ramp. I hate that one.

Sooo, short story long, I love your blog.

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Keyona
Twitter:
December 9, 2010 at 5:33 pm

Papa’s response is what made me snort. Why would one stick Onions up their ass? Why!?

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ladyday December 9, 2010 at 8:47 pm

Well since we’re holding our Hanukkah party late this year, I could use a few to make my potato latkes with. Send them on down!

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From Belgium December 10, 2010 at 4:09 am

Ehm, make onion soup. And seriously husband and shopping do not mix. Last time mine went shopping he brought enough bananas to feed a small third world country. I finally had a reason to try out that banana bread recipe though…

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Lady Jennie December 10, 2010 at 8:28 am

How can you not be funny! Your father is so funny!

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Glamamom
Twitter:
December 10, 2010 at 8:47 am

I got gas just reading this.

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Suebob
Twitter:
December 10, 2010 at 5:11 pm

Ha. A woman after my own…wait for it…fart. The last time I ate French Onion soup, the consequences were so dire that my good friend Charlie accused me of rotting from the inside out. Poor Charlie. There may be a reason I haven’t seen him for a decade or more.

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Beth December 10, 2010 at 1:38 pm

Is that a jab at Philadelphia? I don’t even get that! I’d have taken some onions.

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JulieBouf December 10, 2010 at 3:32 pm

Not only do we have our own new industrial size sack of onions…but they’re sitting on top of our old bag of non-used industrial sack of onions.

I say spray paint them gold and sell them on ebay as the golden onion that Bella and Edward one in science class.

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The Lady AshEfield December 13, 2010 at 12:10 am

geigh friend John takes great delight in making fun of my eating habits. one of my favourite quick fix dishes- and perfect for the the Baltic weather you’re now experiencing, is simply boiling a whole onion with an oxo cube– when done to a firm texture- quarter and eat. so warming and filling…ohhhh the childhood memories that flood back: “please Mum- may i have another onion?”. Very war time in Tilling.

i’ll ship you a bag of citrus- in exchange. deal?

Signed-
The Lady AshEfield

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