Things That I’ve Wished That I Could Have Payarized People To Have Did For Me

by Marinka on October 2, 2008

hey, ever get into a grammatically awkward title and don’t have the energy to fix it? I, too!

Here’s my list of ten things that I wish other people would do in my place.

1. Pee. Before you start polishing up your resume, I should explain. This applies post-childbirth only. After I had my c-section and settled in comfortably with a morphine IV (seriously, could they call it something less dramatic than morphine? Because that conjures up images of war wounds and I tend to pass out when a hangnail goes chronic) and innocently asked the nurse, “hey, where’s the bedpan? And does it come in blue, because that would match both my eyes and my veins and I will also see if the pee will turn it green, I’m sort of a color scientist, if you will” and the nurse said, “no, you need to get up to use the bathroom. It’s good for you to walk.” And I said, “can I have a sane nurse, please? I’ll wait right here.” And she said, “After surgery, you need to move.” And I said, “security please.” And she said something that wasn’t necessarily in English but from her head shaking, I inferred that she agreed with me and greatly admired my wisdom. If I had someone to pee for me, problem solved!

2. Overhear other people’s cell phone conversations: I’m sure somewhere out there is a soul having a very profound conversation on her cell phone, but apparently she has gone to great length to insure that she is not within my earshot.

3. Listen to jazz. I hope that I don’t have to explain this one.

4. Listen to people discuss the pros and cons of taking a certain route somewhere, accounting for traffic possibilities, weather and planetary alignment. Maybe it’s because I don’t drive, or maybe it’s because I’m not out of my freaking mind, but I cannot stand it when people start debating the merits of the Long Island Expressway versus the New York State Thruway. And yes, I know that these two highways go in completely different directions, but since I tend to slip into a mild coma as soon as I suspect that traffic is the topic, I cannot come up with a better example. Sorry.

5. Talk to that automated voice on customer service helplines. If I am ever led away in a straight jacket, don’t worry! It’s just because I was trying to fix my cable connection with one of those automated help lines, where “help” is obvious code for “torture”. For some reason, my screaming, “Fuck you, I want a real person!” always gets the calm response of “you have a billing inquiry, is that right?”

6. Look at the illiterate cat website. Every once in a while, someone, for no reason that they are able to articulate, will link to the website that has “cute” cats with something illiterate written as the caption. Something like “I canz imbecilzzz” Do you know this website? Because I’m sorry, I am not linking to it. It’s horrific. Apparently, it’s written in a semi-literate way because that’s how cats “talk”. There are many things that are wrong with this, not the least of which is that it gives me seizures.

7. Speaking of seizures, editing Jane Seymour out of all TV and print media. The actress, not Henry the VIII’s wife. Although was never a huge fan of Mrs. the Eighth’s, either. By the way, isn’t it weird that there are two actresses with the same names as Henry VIII’s wives? That guy was really ahead of his time! (Isn’t this blog educational? You could almost home school your kids with it!)
I can’t put my finger on why Jane Seymour elicits such a strong reaction from me, but I think it started when she did that commercial for a perfume in the 80s, where she looked at the camera and said in a whorusky voice, “some people say romance is back in style. I say it never went out.”
Ok, does that make sense? Who the hell are these people who thought, “hey, great news! Romance is back in style!” I realize that she probably didn’t write herself, but what am I supposed to do–hate anonymous ad people who are now probably writing for the illiterate cat website? What kind of sicko do you think I am?

8. Man fur avoider. Have you ever seen a man in a full length fur coat? If not, please go look and then once you’ve recovered the power of speech, get back to me with any questions. My man fur spotting assistant would avert my eyes from the offender.

9. Greeting negotiator to explain to people that I meet for the first time that I don’t like to kiss, hug or have unsafe sex . Eye contact is ok, unless someone is wearing Hello Kitty contact lenses, and in that case, avert your eyes please. Also, if someone has a limp handshake, just wave to me, ok? On the other hand, too firm a handshake can be ouchy and obnoxious. Certainly the greeter will have a fine line to walk, but fortunately my greeting negotiator will be available to train and oversee.

10. Pee, part deux Ok, I know that I said that this applies to post-childbirth only, but I just remembered that sometimes I’ll wake up in the middle of the night and I have to pee, but I’m also too tired to get up and pee. And sometimes, I’ll poke Husbandrinka and ask him to go pee for me and for some strange reason he won’t. So clearly someone else will have to do it for me.

I think I’ll need to hire someone to find an intern for me to do all this stuff for free. Because I’m not sure how people expect me to pay for all this stuff.

One year ago ...

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{ 19 comments… read them below or add one }

Kylie w Warszawie October 3, 2008 at 1:44 am

While I do not have time to volunteer to do these things for you, I would just like to say that if I lived closer to you and had time I would volunteer to be the greeting negotiator. Mainly because I am EXACTLY the same way, and I could just blame my behavior on you:).

I’d say, “I’m sorry, but Marinka doesn’t like to touch other people. She has a skin condition. And I don’t touch people as a show of solidarity. Now, please continue with begging for her attention.”


Vodka Mom October 3, 2008 at 4:39 am

i TOTALLY get the whole pee thing. After having THREE kids ( and five pregnancies…) I avoid TRAMPOLINES, laughing TOO hard, and sneezing. All of the aforementioned activities cause severe leaking.


Sonya October 3, 2008 at 4:51 am

#s 5 and 6, LMK if you find anyone willing, I’ll steal ’em from ya!


Heather October 3, 2008 at 7:19 am

My husband thinks I am a peeing machine – so I am right there with you and vodka mum

Let me just tell you how freaked out I am over the Hello Kitty contact lenses – eeeeewwww!

Marinka – if you can’t find anyone, I am sure you are a maverick and will surge forward with these jobs, also.


Nilsa S. October 3, 2008 at 8:07 am

When I see bloggers refer to that stupid cat website, I lose a little respect for them. Unless you’re an acne-fighting teenager, there’s no need to go there.


Mama Ginger Tree October 3, 2008 at 9:27 am

I am not a big fan of Jane Seymour either. I would like to send her and Susan Lucci to an island somewhere and be rid of them once and for all.


Anna Lefler October 3, 2008 at 12:17 pm

I have a very literate cat, but I have to say it does get on my nerves when she listens to jazz.

On a side note, sometimes those automated helpline voices are the coolest people I talk to all damn day. * sigh *


Mayberry October 3, 2008 at 12:30 pm

Now who is the other actress? Is there one named Anne Boleyn that I am unfamiliar with? Catherine of Aragon? who who who?


Manager Mom October 3, 2008 at 4:24 pm

I’ll go half on the greeting negotiator if you can find one. I’ve had many mismatched greeting occasions lately and they make me feel like a jackass. To wit:

Man Who Distributes Towels At The Gym: Good morning.

Me: I’m great, thanks for asking!

10 minutes later

Dunkin Donuts Minimum Wage Worker Who Makes My Daily Coffee: How are you doing today?

Me: Same to you!

Maybe I just don’t vibe well with the working man.


bernthis October 3, 2008 at 10:47 pm

Oh God, what I would give to have someone pee for me in the middle of the night and shake someone’s hand when they have a major sweat gland leakage problem.


jon October 4, 2008 at 1:08 am

I am glad I am not the only one who has gotten into knock down, drag out fights with phone computers.
And I am not sure why the cat fanatics are not offended that all the cats are portrayed as illiterate.
I mean, Morris never talked like an imbecile.


jen October 5, 2008 at 6:18 am

i always scream at the automated telephone voice too.
and i frantically push the zero button…
if that doesn’t work, the pound button…
and i would really like to have someone else do that hassle for me.


Marinka October 5, 2008 at 2:22 pm

Mayberry—eeek! I made a mistake (which I do ocassionally, just to show that I am human). I thought that Anne Hathaway was one of Henry VIII’s wives. But, I guess, she was Shakespeare’s wife. Henry VIII, Shakespeare, whatever. This is why we should support public education!


Kristine October 6, 2008 at 12:14 pm

I have often asked my husband to pee for me, as well as my dog. Niether of them will do that either.


heartatpreschool October 7, 2008 at 2:31 pm

I’d like to hire someone to take calls from my friend M, the one who calls with big decisions like whether or not she should get animal crackers. Or, I could just not answer my phone…


jamie October 22, 2008 at 8:58 am

I would like to hire someone to discuss television shows on my behalf in social settings. That would be so excellent.

Anything that would keep me from looking like an intellectual snob (which I’m not, I just don’t get TV) in polite company.


Debbie October 22, 2008 at 9:21 am

I hear you on that peeing in the middle of the night. And I am at a loss to the appeal of that cat site too.


ShallowGal October 22, 2008 at 12:58 pm

What are you offering for middle of the night peeing? I’ll take the job for $18 / hour. Or were you thinking more of a $20 per pee? I’d prefer the hourly wage, I think.

PS: I ask PCSguy to pee for me in the middle of the night too.

xoxo, SG


texasholly October 22, 2008 at 8:46 pm

When your pee employee is done over there, please send them here.

This was super funny.

Thanks so much for linking today!


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