UPDATE: Nightly Nicki has been updated!
It has come to my attention that many people are worried about the Recession. Because nothing is more important to me than helping others, I am proud to present
Tips for the Recession: Cutting Costs and Making Money!
1. Why not cut your grocery expenses by sending your kids to eat dinner at their friends’? Be sure to tell them to compliment the cook excessively, kissing tips of their fingertips and all that shit, so that the cook (ok, who are we kidding with this PC-crap, so that the MOM) will offer to send a doggy bag home, too!
2. When it’s time to retaliate, I mean, reciprocate, serve brussel sprouts souffle and fish lasagna to the visiting child. Offer leftovers.
3. Instead of taking the whole family to the museum or the zoo, have a monthly designee. One person goes, takes everything in and then spends the rest of the day describing it to the rest of the family. So, if you’re a family of four, it saves the price of three admissions, plus less bickering! Plus, it leaves the rest of the family free for wholesome television watching! I swear, this is one of those tips that we;ll be using even in the bull market.
4. Adopt a no-gift policy for the rest of the year (especially useful for some of us, who already celebrated their birthdays and cleaned up on the gifts).
4a. If someone insists on gifts for their birthday, schedule a fight shortly before the event to ensure thay you are not on speaking terms by that time. You can always send a belated “Sorry and Happy Birthday” ecard.
4b. If for some reason you can’t weasel out of this gift giving stuff, tell the recipient that you made a donation in their name to some worthy organization. Like the Feed Marinka and Keep Her Liquored Up foundation. IRC 501(c)(3) status approval pending.
5. You know how in church they pass out that basket “for the poor”? That’s you now, help yourself!
6. Kids drawing crap every day in school and dragging it home? Why not sell that art to the grandparents? Sign them up for a monthly special, with automatic deductions from their checking account. You may as well do it, before someone scams them out of their money and steals your inheritance.
7. As soon as someone you know sneezes, casually ask if they have a Last Will and Testament and that if they honored you by leaving their estate to you, you’d consider naming a room in your house after them. If they act at all offended, tell them that you can’t believe that they didn’t know that you were kidding, they NEVER got your sense of humor and don’t appreciate you at all. While they’re busy apologizing to you, confirm that they have the proper spelling of your name.
8. Start charging a “dream appearance fee”. My friend John says that if someone dreams about him, they owe him $25. No one will argue with you when you suggest it beacuse they will think that you’re crazy and deranged and $25 seems like a fair price to be spared being massacred.
9. Guests for dinner brought a bottle of wine? Hope they brought some cash, too, because there’s a corkage fee!
10. Figure out how to achieve world peace. People will pay big money for that.
Good luck!
One year ago ...
- Know What's Funny? - 2011