Trial Separation

by Marinka on October 13, 2010

I’m not happy today. Partly because I don’t have a naturally sunny personality but mostly because Husbandrinka has me so fuming.

And to make matters worse, I have to tell you this whole story out of order. I was going to start with a fun and exciting tale about how I decided to go on a diet, and now I have to save that for another day, because I need to tell you what Husbandrinka did and poison your minds against him.

This summer Husbandrinka and I won our long-fought battle with anorexia so resoundingly that right after Labor Day, he declared war on carbohydrates and sugar. Being a peace-loving person myself, I was reluctant to commit to combat. But then I thought, what the hell and decided to start the South Beach diet.

(A quick aside, which I wouldn’t even have to make if Husbandrinka didn’t enrage me and force me to tell this out of order: The first two weeks of South Beach, known as Phase One are no sugar or carbs. So no fruit, no grain, no happiness. It’s the most intense phase, but it lasts only two weeks.)

So, Husbandrinka and I discussed “going on the Beach” together.

We decided that Tuesday, October 12th, the day that will now live in infamy, will be our starting day.

I bought the book, we both studied it and reaffirmed our commitment to the diet. Why, we were closer than ever! I even started thinking that we might reaffirm our vows!

Welcome to Tuesday morning.

Marinka: I’m hungry.
Husbandrinka: You know, I don’t think I need to do Phase One.
Marinka: Excuse you?
Husbandrinka: Phase One is for people who need to lose more than 10 pounds. And I already lost 18.
Marinka: …
Husbandrinka: So you go ahead with Phase One and I’ll start Phase Two.
Marinka: When did you lose 18 pounds?
Husbandrinka: Since September. My war on carbs and sugar really worked.
Marinka: What’s on Phase Two?
Husbandrinka: It’s like Phase One, but with fruit and some grains and wine.
Marinka: I don’t love you anymore.
Husbandrinka: But good for you for starting Phase One! Hang in there.
Marinka: I don’t think I’ve ever truly loved you. I want a trial separation.
Husbandrinka: Not a problem, I’m to Paris next week anyway.
Marinka: Good thing you’ll be able to enjoy the wine there.
Husbandrinka: My thoughts exactly.

So I am doing Phase One by myself. Well, with my friend Ana, but she doesn’t live in NYC, so we just send texts telling each other how hungry we are all day long.

I am filled with anger and resentment towards Husbandrinka.
Which I guess is good, because I’m certainly not filled with food.

One year ago ...

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{ 31 comments… read them below or add one }

Jennifer
Twitter:
October 13, 2010 at 9:01 pm

The utter betrayal. That’s even worse than the Chilean miner with the mistress.

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Brahm (alfred lives here) October 13, 2010 at 9:27 pm

I did South Beach. Or as my husband came to call it South Bitch. I was cranky and hungry and headachey and bitchy and whiny for two weeks that felt like two months….

and it worked and I lost weight, so eff them all!

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Keyona
Twitter:
October 13, 2010 at 9:37 pm

I want to try it but I’m not sure I can and nurse at the same time. I don’t want to pass out at the most inappropriate times. Like during sex. Wait…..

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Glamamom
Twitter:
October 13, 2010 at 10:19 pm

Why don’t you go back to boot camp? Or try one of the many amazing classes that all these fancy gyms offer? How about joining the New York Road Runners Club? Then you can eat whatever you want!

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kiki October 13, 2010 at 10:34 pm

ugh, don’t do that to me. your post’s title scared me. i thought, ‘oh, no. not marinka and husbandrinka. impossible!’ this courteney and david, and christina and jordan splits are getting to me. things happen in 3s, ya know…
when i used to work, a team of co-workers did the South Beach (men and women, 40s-60s). they lost crazy weight. in the break room, i would stare at them as they ate their wacky lunches. i didn’t understand how anyone could give up so much. i’d be chomping on my chicken salad crossiant sammich and potato salad, and slurping coke, just enjoying every last carb. my husband is against “dieting.” he says watching what he eats and running and biking and working out is best. but he is still 15 lbs overweight. take care and enjoy phase 1.
p.s. – did you watch Sister Wives tonight? isn’t Grace Truly truly the cutest?

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Erin I'm Gonna Kill Him
Twitter:
October 13, 2010 at 10:57 pm

I’m firmly committed to The North Beach Diet so I can’t help you at all. Our philosophy is that cellulite is little pockets of happiness, like a scrapbook of all the food you comfort ate.

I agree with Kiki – you scared the crap out of me with that title. But….David Arquette may be crazy enough to do Phase I with you.

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GrandeMocha
Twitter:
October 13, 2010 at 11:06 pm

He’s going to Paris and all you get is…nothing? That sucks!

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The Flying Chalupa
Twitter:
October 14, 2010 at 12:29 am

That’s low of Husbandrinka. Really. It’s so unfair. But just think of how much more stunning you’ll look drinking your glass of wine than him. I wish I had it in me to try “the Beach” but I’m focusing my efforts on an all-French diet: nothing but Gruyere.

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annie October 14, 2010 at 1:01 am

Want to hear something worse? My guy is naturally thin. He eats all the freakin’ time and doesn’t gain a pound. Never has. Not sure why I haven’t left him yet.

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Marinka October 14, 2010 at 10:39 am

I don’t understand why you married him. And don’t give me that “love” load of crap.

In college I made a rule never to date anyone whose thighs were thinner than mine. It has served me well.

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Sophie@Fabrications October 14, 2010 at 3:04 am

The man deserves extreme punishment.

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christy October 14, 2010 at 6:24 am

This was really, really funny. But being on a health kick myself, I totally feel your pain! UGH! You can do it – though I must say – you definitely don’t NEED to! You looked fabulous in August and I’m sure you still do!

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traci October 14, 2010 at 6:31 am

Oh, for THE LOVE OF MARY, go drink a glass of merlot and have a strawberry! Phase one is so you feel like you’re suffering! Phase one is for imbeciles!

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A Mom on Spin October 14, 2010 at 7:46 am

Think of all the extra calories you’ll burn off just from being mad! What with the pacing, and swearing, and throwing of heavy objects. . .

Husbandrinka is already waaaaaay behind you.

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dusty earth mother October 14, 2010 at 9:51 am

I have a lawyer cousin who could start proceedings for you today. This is inexcusable and Husbandrinka must be punished.

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Awesome dude October 14, 2010 at 9:51 am

Oh Dear God,

This is one big pig farm wherever you look.

People are eating garbage all day long and can’t get enough of it.

Food prices should be quadrupled and sugar and soda taxed 800%.

Even children are having bellies.

A heart breaking show……you can not walk in to the McDonalds in the morning, people making no money are wasting their cash for processed stuff.

Compatible with quiet 9-11 tragedy.

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From Belgium October 14, 2010 at 9:52 am

This is one of the reasons that I do Montignac. Eat everything, have wine and enjoy it.

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Tiffany @ MomNom
Twitter:
October 14, 2010 at 10:07 am

I’ve punched my husband in the junk for less.

That’s all I’ve got.

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the mama bird diaries
Twitter:
October 14, 2010 at 10:37 am

In your husband’s defense, going to Paris and not being able to drink wine is impossible. I was pregnant in Italy and it was miserable.

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Marinka October 14, 2010 at 10:38 am

thanks for your comment, Judas!

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nonstick
Twitter:
October 14, 2010 at 10:44 am

Poison his wine. Or let all the carbs in the house form a layer of mold. Bastard.

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Holli October 14, 2010 at 11:05 am

My hubby is the worst influence. When we start a mutual diet he ALWAYS finds excuses to cut corners and eat good stuff!!

BTW – is the Beach working? Are you losing?

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Peajaye
Twitter:
October 14, 2010 at 12:50 pm

I think I read somewhere if you don’t wash out your water glass, you’ll get a bacterial infection that will help you lose weight.

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Meg D October 14, 2010 at 4:02 pm

Yes! Or is that only for cats?

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CSY October 14, 2010 at 12:58 pm

UGH! My husband (God love him) isn’t a skinny mini, but he loses weight faster than I do and its about annoying as hell!!! I’ll tell him that I’ve lost 5 more lbs and he says he’s lost 7! I think we BOTH have grounds for the ‘Big D’

*please note, i have a new email addy…hubs got tired of all my “blog crap” going to his Crackberry, so I changed it! LOVE your blog! I’d very much like to meet you next summer when we come to your WONDERFUL city!

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joeinvegas October 14, 2010 at 1:06 pm

I think you should separate him from something else when he gets home.

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Loukia October 14, 2010 at 1:54 pm

Let me get this straight – he’s in Paris, enjoying wine, and you’re home, with the children, enjoying the miserable life known as Phase 1? I’m so very sorry, Marinka. If it makes you feel any better, I’m also doing a no-carb diet. Eggs, salads, some meat and some nuts. (I’m going to keep it a secret that I do sneak in some wine, though…) It’s tough. But! The results are worth it!
Also, you’re hilarious, as always. xoxo

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MommyTime
Twitter:
October 14, 2010 at 8:31 pm

If my husband got to go to Paris without me, I’d be hopping mad even without any diet anxiety to compound it.
Also? I tried South Beach and it really just ought to be named South Bitch because that’s how it made me feel — and being angry all the time is not good for one’s relationship to food. Counting calories is so much easier, and it totally works. Added bonus: you can have all the wine you want — just recalling of course that if you want 12 glasses, you don’t get to eat any food at all that day because you’ve used up all calories. Ditto chocolate, bread, etc. I recommend that you let him continue his torture regimen and you come over to the side of happiness and light and calorie counting, by which process I have managed to lose 10 pounds (8 if you weigh me at the wrong time of the month).

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Braja October 15, 2010 at 7:29 pm

You know, you could die tomorrow and your last thought would be regret that you didn’t eat what you wanted or have that glass of wine. Screw diets.

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Yuliya
Twitter:
October 16, 2010 at 1:47 am

You? Lose weight? And then how will you survive the harsh winters of NYC?

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deborah l quinn
Twitter:
October 16, 2010 at 11:54 am

HATE south beach diet and am convinced that it works better for men than women. There’s a calorie counter app on iphone called LoseIt which I’m sad to say doesn’t work by simply wafting it over one’s thighs…BUT keeps track of calories and gives you a caloric daily intake depending on how much weight you want to lose and how quickly. Of course, the fun thing about hunger is that slightly manic thing that happens…like being on meth but without being quite so bad for your teeth. So there’s that to look forward to. And Husbandrinka better be bringing you back MAJOR cadeaux from that there parisfrance.

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