Two Drink Minimum

by Marinka on March 21, 2010

Last week just about killed me.

The whole New York Times article about mommy bloggers and how the title implied that we ignore our children to blog (which I didn’t think was a bad thing), and why was it in the Style section as opposed to the business section (duh. So that I’d read it). And the smart discussions surrounding it that I had to skirt because I didn’t want to admit that I only skimmed the article looking for names of bloggers I knew, because what kind of a blogger admits that she’s just not that interested in articles about blogging.

And then there was the hate letter that Her Bad Mother posted on her blog, a letter that was so hateful and shocking that I was surprised that it was literate.
It was chilling and it made me feel like I don’t want to do this anymore.

Not because I’ve ever gotten an email like that, but because I remember how Jodi Foster responded whenever a reporter asked her about John Hinckley. I don’t have to link to Wikipedia now, do I? Because I already feel ancient. But if someone asked Jodi about Hinckley, she’d just leave. No comment, which is different from ‘no comment’, she’d just walk out. And when I started blogging, and when this blog evolved into a humor blog, I wanted to keep it light, to blog about the lighter, funnier side of motherhood. The self-depricating, “oh, those kids, when will they go to sleep” type of stories.

But there’s more and I don’t know how to do that.

Because when we really start talking about motherhood, I want to leave the discussion. Because it’s too intense. And too painful.

I don’t know how to tell you that yesterday morning as I watched my kids at karate I wondered how did they become so grown up. They’re children still, but they’re cusping. Not the I HATE YOUs of toddler-tantrum, but the pre-teen understanding of their parents’ frailties and it kills me. I don’t know how to tell you that I missed the babiness of them so much that it made me bitter to think of the mother I’d been, wishing them to go to sleep, shut the hell up, and leave me alone. Yes, all parents do that, but I’m at that horrible moment now when I see too clearly that every day that passes is one less day that I will have with them and it’s breaking my heart .

I’m sure that this is just a phase. I hope that it passes soon.

And now I’m off to enjoy the day with them, while they’ll still have me.

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{ 28 comments… read them below or add one }

suburbancorrespondent
Twitter:
March 21, 2010 at 11:23 am

I guess I shouldn’t mention to you that I could still weep, wishing to be able to hold each of my 2-year-olds one more time? They’re ages 18 down to 5 right now, and nice kids to be with; but I miss my babies!

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Keyona
Twitter:
March 21, 2010 at 12:40 pm

I don’t even read stupid articles like that. All of moms (and some dads) have all had our shutthefuckupandgotosleep moments. It doesn’t make us bad parents but in fact humans. We love our kids and sometimes we need those shorty days to help us appreciate the good ones.

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Old School/ New School Mom
Twitter:
March 21, 2010 at 1:55 pm

That Times article was ignorant and annoying. Have fun today! Enjoy the kids!

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Neil
Twitter:
March 21, 2010 at 2:23 pm

When did this “bad mother/ bad parent” thing become a catch phrase? I don’t really understand what it all means, especially when you have young children? How can anyone judge who is and who isn’t a bad or good parent? Maybe there needs to be some rules, like how they added points to figure skating during the Olympics to prevent the judges from voting for their own country’s athletes. Feed your kid, one point. Forget your child’s name, an automatic deduction.

Sure, some mother might spend too much time on Twitter rather than playing Candyland with her kid in the afternoon. But you don’t know what this mother is doing during the other hours of a day. Some mothers spend three hours a day exercising at the gym. Some go back to school. Some feed their kids healthy food. Some serve pizza. And frankly, you can do everything right, and still end up with a lazy, annoying adult. We’ve all seen it, right? Rather than judging the parents, shouldn’t we be focusing on the kids? Do they seem well-adjusted? Happy? I have friends who seem like ideal parents — they dote on their kids constantly and have enrolled them in three different classes to improve their chances to get into Harvard (the kids are five years old). They might be the worst parents of them all.

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Jill
Twitter:
March 21, 2010 at 2:26 pm

It scares me to no end that one day that switch will flip and I will be exactly where you (and many other moms) are right now… Where I will look at my kids and wonder how they turned from 7 to 17… and then get upset with myself that I too wanted, “just 5 more minutes.”

I teared up here… not often that I do that.

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Jessie March 21, 2010 at 2:52 pm

I think a lot of people still think blogging is a completely narcissistic activity. What they don’t realize is all of the help and support that you offer people by being willing to post the truth about your family. It’s not always perfect, mine isn’t either. And I’m glad to know that it’s okay to not be perfect. Reading all of the mommy blogs has broadened my view of what being a good mom means. It’s not about making sure the house is clean and they have no dirt on their faces. I love your blog and am so happy that you’re willing to write it. Please keep it up.

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anna see March 21, 2010 at 3:36 pm

i know. i feel as if i’ve wished away their childhoods b/c i just wanted to be left alone. argh.

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Soccermom March 21, 2010 at 4:27 pm

I knew when I started that if I put it all out there, I would get good and bad
comments. I also knew that there would be others out there to share
helpful suggestions. I’m ok with it all. Cause the ones that have an issue
with me can Suck It, and don’t have to read me.

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fuck yeah, motherhood!
Twitter:
March 21, 2010 at 6:03 pm

Not a day goes by that I don’t wish I had done something differently. Even though mine are 15 and 17, it’s not too late for either one of us. Well, not you, anyway.

Thanks for getting real.

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the mama bird diaries
Twitter:
March 21, 2010 at 9:10 pm

you just made me cry. what kind of humor blog is this anyway?

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Julie March 21, 2010 at 10:32 pm

I swear I’m not a sick-o stalker, if you factor in that we have never met, so would it be strange to tell you that I love your blog and therefor, find myself loving you too? You have actually inspired me to start a blog (hubby left for Reno yesterday to start a new job after MONTHS of unemployment, while the high school Junior and I stay in the ‘burbs of Chicago until she graduates)–I thought it might be interesting [did I mention that I drink??]

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sdl March 21, 2010 at 11:08 pm

One of the real truths about motherhood that few mention is that in its way, it is like a series of deaths. I love and adore my children at each age, and at the same time mourn the loss of the little boys they were before. That started amazingly early, because a newborn is very little like a 3-month old, and already in three months, you have lost the person who was the newborn, and you have lost yourself as the parent of a newborn.

I love blogs, but they are so public that maybe they aren’t a quite-safe way to reveal your innermost thoughts an experiences. The public can be very horrid.

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anymommy March 21, 2010 at 11:13 pm

Now, I need a drink. And a tissue. Thanks. And cheers. And god yes.

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Tara March 22, 2010 at 2:31 am

I don’t remember how I happened to stumble upon your blog, but I will tell you it is bookmarked as a favorite now. This post made me cry, and want to go to my mother’s house (where my daughter is spending the night) and grab my sleeping girl and never let go.
But I have been a mother long enough now (4 years, thank you very much!) to realize that feeling will disappear as soon as I hear a sassy “no” from her angelic lips.
Love your blog. And while I love how hilarious it is almost every time I read it… I respect you so much as a person for having the courage to post what we all think.

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traci March 22, 2010 at 3:59 am

(re: hate mail)

OMG. I totally missed the Blogher panel crowning blog readers carte blanche to be Judge and Jury.

Fuck.

I miss allllll the good stuff.

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Vicki
Twitter:
March 22, 2010 at 7:26 am

Very touching. I think about this a lot too-how did I suddenly change from being a happy pre-teen to someone who was miserable about everything from the ages of 13, until I went to college? And what I put my parents through, although, of course, at the time, I didn’t realize it. So, I guess, I take comfort in the fact that kids eventually outgrow being teens and, in their 20s, come back to trusting and relying on their parents as someone that they can always come to.

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alexandra
Twitter:
March 22, 2010 at 8:27 am

Oh, I had a day like that last week.

And it depressed me for 2 days solid, until I had to mentally work to snap myself out of it.

I accidentally saw “Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood.” Well, that mom gets called on all her sins to her oldest daughter while growing up. Now, I’m not to that degree, but way too many lines spoke to me, like, “the truth hurts” when her daughter tells her about all the neglect. And, “everyone has to pay their bills,” again, when the daughter asks her about the neglect. It goes on and on. But, after the movie ended, I just sat and thought, and thanked GOd I still had time, they’re still home.

I know just what you mean….it’s gone too fast. If we knew then what we knew now. I”d give anything for a day back when they were 3 or 4 each, and they wanted to keep on playing “thomas the train.” But, I had to cook, clean, laundry, etc.

Difficult to face the truth…but we still have time.

Don’t you feel like being one of those crazy ladies that goes up to those young moms in the supermarket with the little, little ones and saying “enjoy it! Not the screaming times, no, but over all..enjoy it!”

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Carolyn Online
Twitter:
March 22, 2010 at 9:40 am

If you can’t laugh and say “what the hell are these tiny tyrants doing in my house?” with regards to your children then… Well, then I don’t know what. I guess I don’t want to be friends with them because they need to lighten up. So I’ll walk out. And meet you down the street for a cocktail.

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Ann's Rants March 22, 2010 at 11:24 am

I have tried not to effuse this year and it just doesn’t work for me.

I think you so freaky smart–and when you give us these little glimpses of unfunny they are always so true.

If you stopped blogging it would suck, because you are one of THE FUNNIEST, SMARTEST, MOST UNIQUE bloggers out there.

I’m done, and now I need a new resolution.

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Sarie March 22, 2010 at 11:54 am

I just started reading your blog and I absolutely love it. As a new mommy, I love getting a glimpse of what’s to come with my little one.

This entry brought a tear to my eye and almost made me want to wake up my napping 4-month old just to cuddle him. Almost. Maybe I’ll just stare stalker-like at him while he sleeps and take a photo or two instead. :)

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JJ March 22, 2010 at 2:44 pm

It’s so hard to know and understand this when you’re in the throws of it. I’m so tired, tired from no sleep, tired of being the only one that is wanted. But I don’t look forward to being the disposable parent. It’s hard to find a middle ground, to just love what is happening at that exact moment.
You put it in perspective for me, thank you.

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Coco
Twitter:
March 22, 2010 at 8:31 pm

Wow. What happened to people just having fun or being able to vent and have like minds to share it with?

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peajaye
Twitter:
March 22, 2010 at 9:31 pm

don’t you think a better response to her-bad-mommy’s hate mail shoulda just been something like: exploiting my family’s tragic situations for profit!? i’m outraged! dear reader, please prove this boor wrong and send me money for a vacation to help restore my shattered nerves after such an outlandish attack.

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Amber
Twitter:
March 22, 2010 at 10:34 pm

Thank you for reminding me to enjoy my baby in all her baby-ness. To not fear the next, inevitable, stage of toddler-hood. To revel in her now instead of wishing, only sometimes, that she was 12 and just wanted to be alone. Now, don’t ever make me cry again…k?!? :-)

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Kari March 23, 2010 at 2:16 am

I just wanted to say thanks. I was so excited to spend all this time with my kids during my (hopefully short lived) unemployment, but it’s been really tough balancing full-time Motherhood with the stress of being out of work. Thanks for reminding me to enjoy this time during my (hopefully short lived) time off work.

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christy March 23, 2010 at 11:11 am

I’ve been counting down the days till our second child arrives (27 now) and this post has really made me stop and think (and tear up) and realize that I should embrace the next 27 days of just me and Fiona while I have the chance. Instead of wishing she was napping I should be enjoying playing with her! Thank for the kick in the pants Marinka!

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Issa
Twitter:
March 23, 2010 at 12:29 pm

Last week was hard. Hard to read, hard to participate and even harder to be able to almost feel the hurt. It made me wonder why in the world I do this too. I don’t know that I have any answer, except that you all are amazing.

Friend? You know I love you and I think you are the downright funniest blogger around. But I also love it when you post like this. You can do it. When you want to, you can post the harder stuff. It’s okay. We’ll still read. Promise.

I think as our kids grow, we all wonder, did we enjoy it enough. Their baby-ness. (It’s dam hard in the moment though, to enjoy the constant snot and crying.) I don’t know that I did. I don’t know that I didn’t. All we can do is enjoy them now.

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Mary @ Holy Mackerel
Twitter:
March 29, 2010 at 9:30 pm

I too am at this place in life, with my kids (too) quickly growing up and away from me. VERY bittersweet.

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