UniBall

by Marinka on January 19, 2010

Mama was playing a Russian word game with the kids this weekend. It was some kind of a Satanic combination of cards with pictures of animals on them that each kid had to group according to some mysterious specifications. I think that the suggested age for the game was in utero. And when my son finished, mama complimented him. “Bravo!” she said. “You have one ball.”
“What?” I yelped. The good news is that mama meant ball as in the Russian word “bahl”, which means point. So, Young Ladrinka scored one point.
But the bad news is that I get very alarmed when I hear things like that. When my son was born, and I knew that I was entering boy territory, I read some kind of a penis article and apparently there are all sorts of parents who go insane because they look at their baby boy and can’t see their penis! They call the pediatricians to report the missing penis and the pediatrician tells them to look under the baby fat, and once they lift the stomach, they discover the penis! Yay for everyone! Especially the baby boy, because I can just imagine the toast that his mother is going to make at his wedding. Of course, I have many questions about this. Like what has to go through your mind before you call your pediatrician to report that your baby’s penis is missing? Wouldn’t you look really carefully?
I assume that the internal discussion goes something like this:

OMG, my baby’s penis is missing! I’m the worst mother ever. No! That’s the PPD talking. I am a wonderful mother… to a penis-less boy. Wait, breathe. Calm down. Cooler heads prevail in a crisis. It was just there this morning, it couldn’t have gone far. My husband will never forgive me for this. I know how men are about their penises. Okay. I’m going to have to call the pediatrician. Sure, this is unusual, and I’ll sound insane when I tell the doctor that my baby’s penis is missing, but maybe they can get some Bloodhounds on the scent. Maybe I should call the police? No, that’s crazy. I’ll call the pediatrician because this is a medical emergency. Here I go.

So, I really think that mama should be more careful with how she pronounces “bahl”.

And now, as an extra bonus, and for no extra charge at all, I will share Russian joke by papa:

Mike is born with three testicles and one day he decides to make some money off it. So he goes into a bar, gets a drink and tells the guy sitting next to him,
“I bet you $1000 that between us,” Mike thumbs over to Harry, a random guy who happens to be sitting on the the other side of him, “we have five testicles.”
After some persuading, the guy at the bar accepts his bet.
As the men go to the bathroom to do a testicle count, Harry says turns to Mike and says: “If you have four balls, the money’s ours.”

I’m here all week folks! Try the fish.

One year ago ...

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{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }

TeacherMommy
Twitter:
January 19, 2010 at 11:24 am

You make me happy.

Reply

MommyTime
Twitter:
January 19, 2010 at 11:27 am

Does learning Russian ball jokes make me multi-cultural?

Reply

Kiran
Twitter:
January 19, 2010 at 11:42 am

I am sorry – I think I just spit out my soda. I had to re-read the joke twice before I got Harry’s predicament because a) I am slow and b) I suck at math.

Yes, your mother should be careful when speaking of bahls.
Kiran

Reply

Vicki
Twitter:
January 19, 2010 at 11:54 am

Ha to your alarmed Ladrinka! And also, this ball joke just shows that EVERYTHING was in scarcity in the USSR.

Reply

Sophie January 19, 2010 at 2:03 pm

I had to read the joke twice.

I’m now preparing to be banned from the east-european jews association (EAJA) and also to go to sleep.

Reply

Sophie January 19, 2010 at 2:05 pm

Stupid thing cancelled the funny line I wrote about being shamefaced. I want my money back. And some sleep.

Reply

Gretchen January 19, 2010 at 4:59 pm

Bah-dah-bump! (I was adding a rimshot for you)

Was it more alarming to your son that he was possibly missing a ball? Or that his Grandmother was actually talking about his balls?

Reply

Ann's Rants January 19, 2010 at 9:09 pm

Those mohels better have malpractice.

Reply

Suzy
Twitter:
January 20, 2010 at 7:50 am

Ok, you’re still not showing up in Google. What the HELL is going on over there??????????????????????

Reply

Suzy
Twitter:
January 20, 2010 at 7:54 am

When my sister and I got our first dog together becauseourparentswouldneverletushaveonegrowingupandIhate them we decided to cut off this mass of dirt? Hair? Mushed up stuff? I got the scissors and we held him down and suddenly realized it was the dog’s ball sack.

This clearly was my parents’ fault.

Reply

MommyNamedApril
Twitter:
January 20, 2010 at 12:19 pm

LMAO!

and… yeh… you wouldn’t believe (or maybe you would) how far a baby’s penis can retract when it’s cold. I totally called my husband over the other day to assure me it wasn’t broken.

Reply

GrandeMocha
Twitter:
January 20, 2010 at 12:24 pm

My 7 yr old son constantly asks me, “Are you sure I have both testicles?” Dude, you would KNOW IT if one got ripped off. There would be pain & blood & gross stuff & you would NEVER forget it.

Reply

Kate Coveny Hood
Twitter:
January 20, 2010 at 11:51 pm

My first son was a REALLY chubby baby and I actually asked the doctor if his barely there penis was “normal”. So now my super skinny younger son freaks me out daily with his resemblance to Dirk Diggler. Of course, he’s normal too – but the comparison makes him look just a tad larger than he probably is.

And that is officially the most disturbing comment I’ve ever left on a blog. Please don’t judge.

Reply

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