Yesterday I flew back home from North Carolina. With two kids. On an airplane. I knew what I had to do– Chardonnay and Us Weekly. Remember when I used to do these Us Weekly posts and we all cheered and were happy? And then I got sick of it and stopped and everyone became very sad and unhappy?
Well, it’s back!
Like a pre-Easter miracle.
page 9. The Party’s Over for Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino. Spoiler: He’s addicted to pills. And he’s quoted as wanting to get control of the prescription-medication problem he had due to exhaustion. Let me repeat that: due to exhaustion. The Situation is exhausted. Because tanning is exhausting. OMFG.
page 12. Stars in Outer Space! (they’re just like us! kidding!) When I read this yesterday I thought, hmm, this must be some strong Chardonnay because I couldn’t figure out if these celebrities actually signed up for Richard Branson’s 2013 space flight or if we think that they should go. But now I see that Ashton Kutcher, Russell Brand, Angelina Jolie and Tom Hanks did indeed purchase tickets. Only $200,000 each! (I wonder if you can use miles).
page 16. Bridget Moynahan thinks she’d win The Hunger Games because she’s a dirty fighter and as a former model she doesn’t need to eat a lot. I assume she means as long as Gisele wasn’t one of the contestants.
page 28. Stars read books! My favorite is Bon Jovi reading Bill Clinton’s Back to Work in St. Bart’s.
page 34. A photo of Leighton Meester yawning makes her have a double chin. I am framing it.
page 45. An advertisement for a new show: FATAL ENCOUNTERS which I am already pre-addicted to. It comes with a quote “If I had’t opened that door I might be alive today.” OMFG. I’m never opening a door again. It starts on April 9th at 10 on Investigation Discovery- a channel I have never heard of and now can’t get because I’m locked behind this door.
page 56. Bradley Cooper and Zoe Saldana broke up. We know this because there is an Us Weekly torn photo™ of them. What more proof do you need?!
pages 62-67. An epic-length article on Kim Kardashian’s divorce. It’s so chock full ‘o wonderfulness that I sort of hate to spoil it for you. But here we go: Kim works out twice a day! Her divorce from Kris Humphries has so far taken twice as long as her marriage to him! They’re no longer on speaking terms! No word on whether they’re still on grunting terms! Kris Jenner says Kim didn’t make a dime from the wedding! The New York Post estimates Kim and Kris H. made $17.9 million! (Which in Kris J’s defense isn’t a dime!) My favorite quote about the wedding gifts, claiming that Kris H. gave a lot of stuff to his family “You should check the Humphries home in Minnesota for some $27,000 Lalique vases!” A claim that Kim doesn’t care if she never sees another camera again. She doesn’t want another TV wedding.
Please, everyone. Leave Kim alone and let her return to quietly doing her charity work. Thank you.
page 70-1. Interesting quotes from my favorite I can’t believe she’s not a 45 year old Miami resident, Jessica Simpson. Including some about Skittles and her vagina. OMFG.
page 109 New on DVD: A Dangerous Method, with Keira Knightly, nailing a Russian accent. I’m still waiting for a tutorial on how to tell her Knightly and Natalie Portman apart. Although maybe they can just marry each other and then Natalie would be Natalie Knightly.
I’m pretty sure this issue is going to win a Pulitzer because, brace yourselves, there is not a single Jennifer Aniston reference! (Now that I put that in, I’m very worried that it’s not actually true, since I skipped the beauty pages.)