US Weekly, Er.. I Mean, We Weekly Chat!

by Marinka on May 13, 2011

Ta-DA!


It’s Pippa-time!

Unfortunately, in Russian, Pipa is what little girls call their vagina, so, yes, there’s that hurdle to jump over. (Also, does anyone else think that she looks like Marcia from The Brady Bunch?)

But without skipping a beat, and not pausing to get a virgin wax, either, let’s get to this week’s glorious issue!

* Giselle Bundchen is one of the best dressed in an Alexander McQueen and Van Cleef & Arpels gems. Now, I’m not a huge Giselle fan, but I’d like to call bullshit on this whole “best dressed” thing. Because anyone can work an Alexander McQueen, even my living room couch. That takes no talent whatsoever. I’d like to see who can rock the Kathy Ireland for Kmart collection the best.

* Who Wore It Best: Here’s a spoiler for the rest of your life: The model always wore it best. ALWAYS. If neither of the women is a model, it’s the woman with the bigger boobs. You’re welcome/I’m sorry.

* Jesse *spit* James *spit* insults Sandra Bullock. By saying that his fourth-wife-to-be (sigh! Has ever a poet penned a more romantic description? It’s like the Renaissance all over again!) is “more fun in bed” than Sandra Bullock. I suppose it is more fun to see what STD you’ll end up with! Poor Jesse. And when he says that he spent the last few years worried only about Sandy and now its time to worry about Jesse, I think he speaks for all of America.

* The suburban Chicago house in Home Alone is for sale for $2.4 million. I’m installing a PayPal button on my blog as I type.

* Things That Have Been Thrown At Justin Bieber: Eggs, Sour Patch Kids, Underwear and Roses. (see also, Name Of My New Band.)

* US Poll of the Week: 89% of viewers would rather watch General Hospital than a talk show hosted by Katie Couric. (Personal aside: I’m a huge General Hospital fan. Do not let it be canceled. Please. Can’t Katie just go on Dancing With the Stars, like a normal celebrity?)

* On Loose Talk, Cameron Diaz, 38, says, “I think you get better as you age.” I, 44, having aged a bit, can’t wait to hear from Cameron in ten years. And not until then.

* Heidi Klum and Seal renewed their vows for the sixth time! Why do they keep making vows with such quick expiration dates?

* Paul McCartney’s fiancee has a $650,000 engagement ring. US Weekly didn’t say, but I’m guessing it’s from Paul McCartney!

* Stars- They’re Just Like Us! Emma Stone gets into a taxi! Katie Holmes looks at pastries! WHAT? Is no one feeding a parking meter this week? Poor, hungry parking meter!

* Yes, this week’s issue does have a photo of a pregnant Kate Hudson! I really hope that she has a human gestation period, because I feel like I’ve been seeing these photos for years.

* Jen Anniston may or may not have done a nude scene for a “raunchy comedy” Horrible Bosses. For those of us counting down the days, the movie opens on July 8th and the movie posters promise to be very exciting! One even features Anniston with a banana in her mouth! (Am I the only one who doesn’t find that exciting? Yes, I get it. Bananas are like potassium-rich penises. But still.)

* Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Plastorexic Taylor is separated from her husband, what’s-his-name. I can’t wait for the show to come back, because Great news! Eddie LuAnn Rimes’ ex-wife is going to be a cast-member!

* Whitney Houston is back in rehab. Raise your hand if you never knew she left.

* Middleton Family Secrets! Ok, I read the whole article and I didn’t learn one secret. Except that everyone thinks that Pippa has a great ass. She’s 27, people. Let’s all post photos of our asses when we were in our 20s and before we had kids and frappuccinos and call it a day.

* Briston Palin had some corrective jaw surgery. Poor thing now has to live with a slimmer, more defined face. My prayers are with her!

Ok! That’s pretty much it! If anything caught your eye, please share. Because that’s how we learn.

US Weekly cover

One year ago ...

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{ 17 comments… read them below or add one }

Fairly Odd Mother
Twitter:
May 13, 2011 at 9:31 pm

Love this: “Heidi Klum and Seal renewed their vows for the sixth time! Why do they keep making vows with such quick expiration dates?” And wouldn’t you think that after a while, those vows sound a little boring?

Hey, how did Dustin explain his gay past? I don’t know who Dustin is, but I’m curious if he’s going to deny, admit or dance around it.

And Jesse James really is a slimey sex machine isn’t he?

Reply

Erin I'm Gonna Kill Him
Twitter:
May 13, 2011 at 10:02 pm

Yeah, she’s more fun in bed because he can start deciphering her myriad tattoos when things start to get a little lackluster. I just watched him on Piers. ICK.

And as for Kate, I need her to gain 800 more pounds till I’m satisfied. Like last time.

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Jana@AnAttitudeAdjustment
Twitter:
May 13, 2011 at 10:12 pm

Nothing about the Schwarzenegger/Shriver break-up? That news seems sort of huge to me. I always wondered what she saw in him.

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Alison@Mama Wants This
Twitter:
May 13, 2011 at 10:15 pm

I wonder why Whitney is still news. And I’m not sure I want to see Jennifer Anniston naked.

Reply

jacqui
Twitter:
May 13, 2011 at 10:25 pm

Loved this! Jesse James is only insulting Sandra Bullock and acting like he’s better off without her because she got rid of his ass.

Reply

vodkamom May 13, 2011 at 10:35 pm

Wait. Whitney Who?

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tracy
Twitter:
May 13, 2011 at 11:14 pm

You do realize that many of your younger blog readers now have to Google The Brady Bunch. Sometimes people tell me that I look like the older Maureen McCormick. I do not take that as a compliment.

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Autumn May 13, 2011 at 11:23 pm

This series is straight up the funniet bloggy thing i read all week. My thanks–

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A Mommy in the City
Twitter:
May 14, 2011 at 9:39 am

Yes! Pippa does look like a brunette version of Marcia. I did not know that Cameron Diaz was 38! No surprise that Taylor from RHOBH has separated from her husband. That show only drives divorces. Should be interesting with Eddie Cibrian’s wife though! Can’t wait to watch next season!

Reply

Tasha
Twitter:
May 14, 2011 at 9:51 am

As always, thanks for a good laugh!

Reply

Slow Panic
Twitter:
May 14, 2011 at 2:12 pm

when i was 27 i thought my ass was fat.

i was such an idiot.

please pass my frappucino

Reply

Penbleth
Twitter:
May 14, 2011 at 4:48 pm

I think I’m going to have to start reading these mags, I’m clearly missing out on essential life information. I can feel myself getting sucked in to the vortex as I type.

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Krystal May 14, 2011 at 7:00 pm

Why buy the magazine when I can just read this?!?

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Sophie@Fabrications May 15, 2011 at 2:37 pm

This is great! you totally save me the cost of a subscription!

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Loukia May 15, 2011 at 11:54 pm

Re: Home Alone. My three year old’s favourite movie ever. It’s on all the time in our house. You know, when I’m not being all Tiger Mom on him. We watch it even in different languages, so at least there’s that. Seriously, I want to stab my eye out, I can’t watch this movie anymore, and it used to be my favourite movie ever. I even had a crush on that kid.
ANYWAY. What I wanted to say was that it’s also 20 years old. 20. YEARS. OLD.

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From Belgium May 16, 2011 at 7:23 am

On Witney: *raising hand*

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Becky Rice
Twitter:
May 16, 2011 at 8:48 am

Us is filled with juicy tidbits this week! I love the name of your new band.

I just saw the cover of a competitor (OK!) in the grocery store that is insisting Katie Holmes is with child again. Let the turkey baster rumors begin!

Reply

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