Vroom

by Marinka on June 30, 2008

So Phase One of my Road to Driving, which consisted of printing out an application for a replacement social security card, went so smoothly that I decided to leap ahead and actually submit the application. I say “smoothly” because I have a naturally sunny disposition and never complain or whine and hardly mention the fact that I couldn’t print the fucking application because our sodomite of a printer is there apparently for ornamental purposes only, since it doesn’t actually print anything. And don’t get excited, it doesn’t actually sodomize anyone either, it’s just a euphemism for “cocksucking”. Because who has a blog about motherhood and the joys of parenting and then uses “cocksucking” in the post?

Anyway, I had to print the application at work which delayed me by a few days, but it definitely went smoothly from there. The first thing that I usually read on official forms is the “Paperwork Reduction Act of 1995”. which estimates how long it will take to read the instructions, gather the answer the questions for a replacement. Good news–8.5 to 9.5 minutes. I could squeeze that in.

There were some hurdles, of course. For example, one of the modes of identification that I had to bring to the Social Security office was a driver’s license which poses an obvious problem to someone who needs a social security card to apply for a learner’s permit.

But I overcame it all. I even stood on the security line at the Federal Plaza in Manhattan to get to the Social Security office. Something happens to me when I have to stand on a line. Maybe it’s because as a kid I stood on bread lines in the pre-Atkins Soviet Union, but I just refuse to get in line. There is a pizza place in NYC that has a line and I’ve never been. I know the line is supposed to signal its greatness, but it’s not worth it to me. And when I am forced, by circumstances beyond my control, to stand on a line, I start to panic. Like I’m afraid that I will have to stand on line for the rest of my life, and I will do anything, including renounce my citizenship, to get it over with.

And then, for some insane reason, when it was my turn to go through the metal detector, I decided to use charm on the security guard, forgetting completely that “charm” is not part of my repertoire, and that I did not have any contraband on me, so there was absolutely no need for it. Fortunately, that did not land me in Gitmo. Although maybe they’re waiting until I actually get my social security card?

The application process itself was a cakewalk and I will be getting the card in one to two weeks. I will be by the mailbox if you need me.

One year ago ...

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{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }

Becki June 30, 2008 at 7:41 pm

It seems entirely natural to me that one could be blogging along about motherhood and life and feel compelled to use the adjective “cocksucking.” This is possibly a sign that I am not as excellent a mother as I had hoped.

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Marinka July 1, 2008 at 4:13 am

Or maybe our excellence is just exceeding our expectations?

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A Mom Two Boys July 1, 2008 at 4:07 pm

Using the term “cocksucking” simply proves that you are my kind of blogger!

Good luck with the rest of the process!

OH! And welcome to AllMediocre!

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peajaye January 22, 2009 at 4:26 pm

i don’t know if this thing pings you when you get a comment on an old post or not, but i’ve been catching up on your musings. the sentence “Maybe it’s because I stood in bread lines in the pre-Atkins Soviet Union, but I just refuse to get in line.” makes me happy to be alive and able to read.

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