What, No Lap Dances?

by Marinka on December 27, 2009

Thanks to Abdul Farouk Abdulmutallab, the Nigerian who was not content with just emailing me that I am a beneficiary of millions and just need to forward him my banking info for the transfer to take place, and tried to blow up an airplane, our government is now proposing new regulations for flight safety.

Of course, as always, I bow to the wisdom of our government, because if I were in charge, all flights were grounded and I’d just hide under my bed.  (What? I get an awesome WiFi signal there.)

Although as of this typing the government has not released an official Rules to Abide By, some airlines have released some parts of the new protocol.  And they make  me scratch my head. Because I think they’re lousy. (Get it?  Scratch head? Lousy?)

On international flights coming to the United States, passengers will have to remain in their seats for the last hour of the flight without any personal items on their laps.

(Ok, Husbandrinka just paraphrased that part for me.  Because he read it to me from the NYT and I asked him to repeat it and he said, “here, why don’t you read it?” and I said, “BECAUSE I AM BLOGGING AND I AM TRYING TO BE TIMELY” which is apparently really persuasive to a man.)

So, does anything jump out at you?  Like, hello, barn door?  The horse is already out.

I don’t know, if it were me, I also wouldn’t want to be terror-blown up two hours before the plane landed.  So I don’t see anything magical about the one hour.  Unless it’s that we don’t want to see the big kaboom over the continental United States.

Maybe it would be better if we didn’t let people who were on The Known Enemies of the United States list into the United States.

And I’m thinking it may be better if we did a better job at screening people and didn’t let those with explosives on the plane to start with.  This way, those of us who have been freebasing Bloody Marys on the plane can get up and pee during the last hour of the flight without being tackled by fellow passengers.  Although if the fellow-passenger that’s doing the tackling is Jasper Schuringa, I’d probably risk it.

Seriously, have you seen him?  I mean, the heroism is just gravy.

One year ago ...

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{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }

elenka December 27, 2009 at 11:52 am

You just said everything I’ve been thinking, except for the Jasper part. I’m more a Johnny Depp type of flyer.


Daffodil Campbell December 27, 2009 at 12:14 pm

Traveling by air is already my least favorite way to get anywhere, even without people randomly blowing things up in their lap. And I do not understand how Abdul managed to get explosives on the plane, when my hand lotion got taken out of our diaper bag and confiscated with such DISDAIN, like I was the stupidest person on the face of the earth for trying to smuggle LOTION onto an AIRPLANE.

I’m not going anywhere anymore. Trains are getting stuck in tunnels or blown off the tracks, boats are getting commandeered by pirates with bazookas or John Mayer in weird thing bathingsuits, pilots can’t seem to land on runways – that is, if someone doesn’t set their seat on fire first, and cars no longer have ashtrays and cigarette lighters. What is this world coming to ?


December 27, 2009 at 12:55 pm

thanks for sharing the link to the flight’s hero and his story. he is easy on the eyes and super brave. i have only been on a plane twice since 9/11. i will drive before i fly, and they say air travel is safer than driving. i don’t believe it. i’m glad you and your family arrived home safely.


Captain Dumbass December 27, 2009 at 1:04 pm

Hmm, Jasper doesn’t really do it for me, but if he’s got a sister…

And call me crazy, but maybe keeping bad guys off the plane to begin with instead of driving the normal passengers nuts would be a better way to go.


December 27, 2009 at 4:48 pm

Your first sentence cracked my shit UP.
and Hubba hubba, you’re RIGHT, Jasper can tackle me any day. I would not kick him out of bed if he broke into my house and SCARED me. I had only read about this on the news so I had no idea what he looked like. Yowza.


Beth December 27, 2009 at 6:18 pm

So international flights into the US won’t allow people to get up an hour before you land. Wow. The idiocracy is overwhelming.


Heather (qtberryhead) December 27, 2009 at 9:24 pm

I really enjoyed witnessing security berate my son (who was 14 at the time) for having a partially empty Mountain Dew bottle in his carry-on…ironically the bottle was purchased in the airport (for $950.87 if you must know) after the security screening before our previous flight. It was an oversight on mine and my son’s part, but hardly one that warranted the guy screaming at my kid. I informed the guy that there was a special place in hell for people who yell at kids.
I understand logical security measures, but strip searching babies and anal probing grannies is not the answer. They haven’t made flying safer, they’ve made it more annoying.
I’m a million times more concerned about drunk drivers than terrorists. Mass hysteria annoys me.


Maddnessofme December 27, 2009 at 10:54 pm

I doubt any of them will try this shit on a plane load of Detroiters trying to get home for Christmas, ever again. Oh no you di’ nt. He’s lucky the police got involved, they were about to go all midevil on his ass.


anymommy December 28, 2009 at 1:06 am

They used to have that rule within 30 minutes of D.C. I called it the damaged bladder rule. Keep the crazies off the planes. Novel idea.


December 29, 2009 at 11:05 pm

husband just read me the full list of what he can and cannot have passengers do on the plane during his flight yesterday.
my favorite? he is not allowed to tell anyone where they are at any time.
no more … oh look! we’re flying over the rockies! OR on the left side of the plane you will see the blah-blah-blah.
and i think it is actually no one was allowed to move out of their seats for the first hour AND the last hour.
but then again … he got another email today with some changes … so who really knows anyway!


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