What’s Pork is Prologue: The 24 Hour Roast

by Marinka on February 10, 2010

I’ve just about had it with Nigella Lawson. You know, the swimsuit model/chef, author of How to Be A Domestic Goddess cookbook. I don’t have that cookbook, but I have the one entitled Nigella Bites. Boy, does she ever.

Let me back up a bit.

Three weeks ago Saturday, I took out Nigella Bites and decided that I wanted to make Slow-Roasted Aromatic Shoulder of Pork for Sabbath dinner. The problem was that it required 24 hours to cook, which seems like the right amount of time to become fully dilated from the moment that the contractions start.

But Nigella, that cunning temptress wrote:

The pork takes 24 hours to cook, which is no cause for alarm, because for about 23 hours and 55 minutes you are ignoring it absolutely. And it makes your house smell like a home should.

I’m not sure if it was the ignoring it absolutely or house smell like a home should, but I decided right then and there that “As God as my Witness, I’ll make Slow-Roasted Aromatic Shoulder of Pork!”

Two weeks ago Friday, I presented myself at the butcher counter of our local butchery. “Hello!” I greeted the butcherman, “I am here to pick up shoulder of pork!”

Unfortunately, there was bad news in store for me.

It turns out that they don’t have any pork shoulders on staff and you have to order them in advance. I retreated, porkless.
I placed the order for the following Saturday.
The slow roasted Pork Shoulder would be mine, even if I had to wait to be buried with it.
“What time do you want to pick it up next Saturday?” the Pork liason asked me.
“At 9 am!” I announced. Because if I got it at 9 am on Saturday and started cooking it by 10 am that same day, it would be ready by 10 am on Superbowl Sunday. And I don’t know about you, but that’s when I really enjoy my pork most!

* * *

In anticipation of the roasting extravaganza, I spent the week before Pork Saturday studying the recipe.

And I noticed that Nigella’s recipe called for 12-14 pounds of pork shoulder. Which seemed like a lot. Who the fuck is Nigella feeding, the meetup of the Red Army and the British soccer team? Seriously, Babe was only probably 12 pounds, total. What kind of steroid shoulder would I be getting? And would I have to refinance the apartment to afford it?

Saturday arrived, and I did too, at the Porkatorium.
“Greetings and Salutations,” I totally didn’t say. “I’m here to pick up the Pork shoulder!”
They presented me with the pork shoulder, and it was mercifully only 8 pounds, so I didn’t have to lug it home over my own shoulder Flinstone-style.

* * *

“You know,” I mentioned to Husbandrinka, after I introduced him to Pork Shoulder, “maybe we should invite someone over for tomorrow night.” I mean, 8 pounds is a lot of shoulder.
Husbadnrinka agreed. Invitations were extended and accepted, and my preparations were underway!

What could possibly go wrong?

To Be Continued…

Probably later today, because it’s a snow day and the kids are Home From School. OMG.

One year ago ...

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{ 16 comments… read them below or add one }

February 10, 2010 at 12:31 am

Oh, I’m so excited for part two. You are a courgeous woman to take on a piece o’ pork that grand. I only do turkeys and that’s about 3 hours of waiting and makes my house smell dandy. I hope all the kids go to bed early and don’t play any pranks on you and Husbandrinka. Take care.


February 10, 2010 at 12:33 am

WHY DON’T YOU EVER POST PICTURES? I need to see that pork, among other things.


Kirsten February 10, 2010 at 1:01 am

Yes, pictures please.

I can’t wait to see how it turns out!


February 10, 2010 at 1:59 am

Well I’m all twitterpated about what could possibly have happened with this slow-roasted pork shoulder!!! Can’t wait for the conclusion!


Sophie February 10, 2010 at 3:18 am

I’m so cheap, I can’t stop thinking about how much 24-hour worth of gas or electricity will cost. You know, for the actual roasting.
Also, Now I’m stuck with the Porkatorium word, and nowhere to use it. You’re a cruel woman, Marinka.


Sorry For The Convenience
February 10, 2010 at 3:31 am

Good to know that a house should smell like pork that’s been cooking for a full day. I live in an apartment, so I’m pretty sure my home should smell like take-out Thai food, yes?


Stace February 10, 2010 at 8:47 am

Hehehehe…I can’t wait to see what happens next…you pretty much know that if it ends with “what could possibly go wrong” its going to leave you with a broken rib or some other uncomfortable physical issue. Thankfully I have good insurance.


I'm Nate's Mom February 10, 2010 at 8:52 am

I can only imagine that 8 lbs. of pork shoulder yields 5 lbs. of bone, 2 lbs. of fat and 1 lb. of meat. Ooh, did I spoil part 2?


Heather, Queen of Shake Shake February 10, 2010 at 10:03 am

NO! No pictures of cooked food, unless you are highly skilled with a camera. Otherwise, it looks like vomit. Do you really want to put vomit on your blog, Marinka?

I await your follow-up with much anticipation. And after it’s finished, I will then decide whether to let you in on a super secret secret I have about cooking.


Jane February 10, 2010 at 10:32 am

While watching Good Morning America this morning they kept going on and on about all your snow, and all the schools are closed and 50 million kids were having a snow day . The first thing in my head – oh poor Marinka has to entertain the kids all day, I wonder if her cable is working.
Is that sad for me thinking of you like I know you? Like you’re my friend? Maybe I need to step away from the computer and find real friends…..I would but my cats don’t like it when I leave the house.


February 10, 2010 at 10:42 am

nothing good can come from roasting pork. i believe this is why the jews and muslims forbid it – they have enough troubles.


Sprite's Keeper
February 10, 2010 at 10:48 am

Is that a 24 hour pork or 24 DAY? It took God 6 days to create the world, it took you 7 days to obtain the ham. So not Kosher. 🙂


February 10, 2010 at 11:30 am

What a cliff hanger! I am on the edge of my seat waiting to know: will the roast be aromatic in a good way? Will Friend John and other invitees shower Marinka with praise for her culinary genius and change her name to Martha? Will Nikki get leftovers? You should have been a serial novelist.

{I’m a little punchy after an hour of snow shoveling this morning. Sorry.}


Gretchen February 10, 2010 at 11:44 am

I’m atwitter with excitement, though slightly wary of the outcome of the big Pork Extravaganza.


SoccerMom February 10, 2010 at 12:54 pm

Well good luck with that. Sounds yummy. However it is not something that will probably ever be made at my home. Since I don’t do much cooking. However if you have the receipe maybe I can talk my sportsman into making it for dinner.


Heather (qtberryhead) February 10, 2010 at 3:06 pm

My entire family cooks lunch lady style, like we’re convinced people are going to starve. I mean, clearly, a famine is coming.
I am totally not going to say “Greetings and Salutations!” to everyone from now on.


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