When Life Gives You Lululemons

by Marinka on May 3, 2010

A few weeks ago, I bought my first pair of Lululemon yoga pants. You know, the yoga pants that make your ass look great, mostly because they cost so damn much that you can’t afford to ever eat again and have to walk everywhere in order to save on gas. Great trick, try it.

But I figured since I’m a Physique 57 regular now, chances are great that I’ll die during class and don’t I deserve to look great as they wheel me out? I don’t want to be in sweatpants with a JUICY stamp across my ass.

For the uninitiated, when you buy something at Lululemon, they hand you the purchase in a really cute bag that has a lot of wise sayings on it. I think it’s supposed to be a shopping bag, but I have a feeling that they give it to you because even they feel sort of bad about how much their stuff costs. Like they know that you’re one step closer to being a bag lady and they want to make sure that you are properly accessorized.

Of course I was happy to have the bag, because now I can let everyone know that I work out a lot by just carrying it around. Which is the real point of working out, if you don’t count the health benefits.

Except I made the mistake of actually reading the morsels of wisdom that Lululemon put on the bag.

Let’s look together!

The pursuit of happiness is the source of all unhappiness.

I assume that this means that we should pursue unhappiness, right?

Life is full of setbacks. Success is determined by how you handle setbacks.

Of course life is full of setbacks! We’re pursuing unhappiness here!

Friends are more important than money.

And yet Lululemon insisted on American currency as payment, as opposed to a few of my closest friends.

Breathe deeply and appreciate the moment. Living in the moment could be the meaning of life.

Could be. But unlikely.

Stress is related to 99% of all illnesses.

What’s the 1% holdout? And wouldn’t it suck if you were totally relaxed and then got struck with it?

Jealousy works the opposite way you want it to.

I had no idea that jealousy works at all! Now all I have to do is want the opposite and then I’ll get what I want! This bag is really paying off!

Dance, Sing, Floss and Travel

Well, okay, but with all the setbacks and jealousy, it’s going to be hard to fit in flossing.

The conscious brain can only hold one thought at a time. Choose a positive thought.

Or, for more fun, get unconscious!

So, run out and get your own Lululemon outfit. You’ll look awesome and become wise.

Disclaimer: Post not sponsored by Lululemon. As a matter of fact, they’ll probably insist that I return the merchandise to them.

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{ 21 comments… read them below or add one }

pinklea May 3, 2010 at 12:57 am

Lululemon originated where I live, here in Vancouver, and most Vancouverites think it’s pretty pretentious too. I mean, come on! How many people really do all that yoga stuff on a regular basis?! Still, every woman I know (and lots of men) owns at least one item of Lululemon clothing, because although it’s expensive, it’s good quality. Ironic, isn’t it – we can’t truly hate a company that’s so full of itself because its merchandise is actually really great!

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Kirsten May 3, 2010 at 12:58 am

LOL. What would we do without Lululemon to keep us wise.

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susan May 3, 2010 at 1:27 am

Lululemon started in Canada and where I live, women are absolutely fanatical over it. The quality has really suffered ever since it was sold and all fabrication was outsourced overseas. However, they have some very pretty things and I am an owner of many of them 🙂

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Sophie May 3, 2010 at 5:40 am

It’s only the expensive shops that allow themselves to nag you with their messages. If i’m already spending $$$, can’t you at least shut up and be beautiful? (Not you, Marinka, the shop, or rather, their bag).

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Awesome dude May 3, 2010 at 11:03 am

It is all started from the XIX century Russian novel written by Turgenev, it is called Mumu.

It is about a deaf serf gardener who drowns his favorite dog on the order of his female landlord/owner because of the dog laud barking.

This barking did not bother him a bit……..

Postponing gratification and denying pleasures for yourself never works.

So, let it be Lulu…..who should care.

Also, close observation of your own umbilicus my shed some light on your inner balance.

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peajaye
Twitter:
May 3, 2010 at 11:13 am

have you read all the other stuff on the bag? that is one bossy bag.

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momtrolfreak
Twitter:
May 3, 2010 at 11:14 am

Marinka, now that you’ve converted I am not the only person on teh planet who does not own anything made my Lululemon. @*(#&^@(*&^@$*(***@^ But at least now I know why everone’s ass looks so much better than mine.

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anna see May 3, 2010 at 11:42 am

I’m still startled that you say yoga pants exist that could make my ass look good.

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Erin I'm Gonna Kill Him
Twitter:
May 3, 2010 at 2:09 pm

I had a coronary when I *attempted* to buy my first pair. I figured 40 bucks in my head, so when the cash register Cruella Deville said $98, I mumbled something about needing to do more ‘down dogs’ and pray to Ganesh for more money before I could purchase them all the while backing slowly away from the register.

My yoga instructor always said (about everything from stretching to construction workers hurling sexual expletives in the window): Acknowledge it but don’t judge it.

That should go on the bags.

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alimartell
Twitter:
May 3, 2010 at 6:37 pm

honestly, I don’t care what the hell their bags say….those pants make my ass so lovely that they can write just about anything…

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LV May 3, 2010 at 7:48 pm

I honestly can’t believe that you didn’t remark on my personal favorite: “Children are the orgasm of life.” Uh? Okay, literally, yes. But that’s like saying “books are the literature of my shelves”. What gets weird is if it’s figurative! I’ll let you have a go at that one.

(And yes, the pants do make asses look fab. But as a yoga teacher, I’ve found that American Apparel has spandex/jersey yoga pants that are far more flattering and cheaper to boot.)

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traci May 3, 2010 at 8:04 pm

At least with the Juicy everyone will know of your penchant for designer workout gear as opposed to searching for that tiny Omega insignia.

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Holly May 3, 2010 at 9:02 pm

“True wisdom is only found in pithy little sayings.” (A suggestion for the bag.) I’ve never even heard of Lulu whatever it’s called. Here in western NY, I wear my Target yoga pants to work out in. I will admit, however, that my ass doesn’t look so hot in them.

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Hippo Brigade
Twitter:
May 3, 2010 at 9:37 pm

Yes! Yes to the lululemon pants and the hot ass they provide. I just bought my second pair, and I think they give me a camel toe, but who cares, because I’m pursuing happiness and flossing!

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Karen at French Skinny May 4, 2010 at 12:37 am

Here’s the thing with the lululemon pants, they make my ass look amazing!!! However it pushes everything up to my belly and now I have a designer bluebelly muffintop.
But you are now my guru master. So rock on. I judge not.

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Donna May 4, 2010 at 8:06 am

Feeling left out, because I’ve never heard of lululemon. Of course, I hate yoga and I live in China, so what are the chances?

I laughed at your observation about the poor slob who is all relaxed and gets slammed with that 1% disease. That would be just my luck to get the crazy 1%disease. Glad I’m stressed out.

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dusty earth mother May 4, 2010 at 10:52 am

I feel sick. I live in New York and never heard of Lululemon. I’m moving to China to be with Donna. Donna, do you have room for a nerd in your house?

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soccermom May 4, 2010 at 11:31 am

I live in the Midwest and have never hear of lululemon pants. Now I am all for anything that makes my ass look good. But when I go to the gym, I am mostly there to sweat my ass off. So I don’t much care what I look like. I normally wear an old running t-shirt and a pair of soccer shorts.

I’m all about material that lets your pores breath.

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MommyTime
Twitter:
May 4, 2010 at 3:37 pm

But here’s what I want to know: at what point does one feel the confidence to strut about outside the gym in even the most flattering yoga pants? Does the confidence come from the pants, or from the actually ass that hes been worked off? Because I am too self conscious to wear those pants anywhere but inside the gym building, even though lots of moms with cute asses (admittedly, much cuter than mine) trot around in those pants on the playground. What do you think: should yoga pants be limited to yoga classrooms or not?

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Erin
Twitter:
May 4, 2010 at 9:45 pm

I need to get me some of these pants. Not really to work out in (who does that?)…just to apparently look great in.

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Tonya
Twitter:
May 4, 2010 at 9:47 pm

I’ve heard of lululemom but never actually been to one. Perhaps this is why I don’t know the meaning of life? I must get there. Also, do the pants work? And do they make tops that give you an 18 year old, never had kids, chest? I would like one of those too please.
So awesome!

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