This weekend I took Young Ladrinka and a friend of his to see Yogi Bear in five million D.
I’m not sure exactly how it happened, because right before Thanksgiving my son saw the posters for it and said “that looks really stupid!” and I said, “why, yes, my young lad, indeed it does,” but then, just as I felt Yogi Bear-safe and let down my guard he went all “I WANT TO SEE THIS MOVIE” on me, and there I was, buying a huge tub of popcorn.
The movie, in a word, sucked. The absolutely best thing about it was the Roadrunner cartoon they showed in 3D in the beginning.
The premise is that Yogi and Boo are in Jellystone National Park, walking around and talking. Yogi is wearing a tie and a hat but no pants, in a blatant fashion rip-off of Winnie the Pooh. I can’t wait to see those two featured on the Who Didn’t Wear It Best pages of US! Also, Yogi seems unnaturally obsessed with food and stealing the picnic baskets of picnickers.
And I don’t know who Boo is and why he’s so short. Is he a child? A dwarf? A child-dwarf? And why is no one else wondering this?
So, Yogi and Boo are walking and talking and then there’s a corrupt politician who wants to get rid of Jellystone Park and chop down all the trees and if that’s not enough, there’s also a Park Ranger who’s smitten with a blonde who makes documentaries about gorillas.
I’m sorry to leave you in this state of suspense about whether or not Jellystone Park will be saved, but sweet Jesus, if getting rid of Jellystone means that there’s no sequel to this nightmare, I’ll torch the place myself.
There is a good news about this movie. If you recently had a lobotomy, for example, and are not sure how to spend the afternoon, get yourself a Yogi Bear ticket!
Also, did you know that there was a website that tells you when is the best part of the movie to go pee? I mean, personally, I know when to go pee because of the pressure that I feel on my bladder, but apparently today’s movie goers need some extra hints from a website. (Oh, calm down. I know that they’re talking about peeing during the boring parts. As protest.) Well, the good news is that you can go to the bathroom before Yogi Bear starts, self-administer an enema, and spend the next 83 minutes in the bathroom, without really missing anything. You’re welcome!
My son and his friend, on the other hand, really liked it.