From the monthly archives:

July 2008

In Case of an Emergency

by Marinka on July 31, 2008

For reasons that I don’t fully understand, I am the fire warden for our floor at work. I think it’s because when they came to do the fire drill and said “Who can volunteer to be a fire warden?” no one said anything and to break the awkward silence, I raised my hand. It’s a good thing that the local executioner was not around to ask who wanted to try the brand new noose, because apparently I will do anything to avoid an awkward silence. You were saying?

But if anything, GODFORBID, should happen, I am responsible for safely evacuating the people on our high rise floor. Between you and me, I’d just as soon that everyone stayed home, to be on the safe side.

There are many, many things wrong with my being in any kind of charge in an emergency situation. For starters, my first response is always “do I have a cyanide pill?” Which is insane because of course I don’t, it’s not like I’ve been meaning to get the cyanide prescription refilled and it’s just been slipping my mind. I do this because I saw Titanic where the mother gives her kids cyanide pills so that they wouldn’t have to drown, or so that she could enjoy a nice quiet dinner, the details are fuzzy now. But really? If my emergency response comes from Titanic, don’t you think that someone else should be in charge?

I already told everyone that I work with that in an emergency, they’re on their own and I wish them the best, but I’ll be running down the stairs, screaming my head off and trampling everyone in my way.

They know this. They know that my nerves are pre-shot. For example, they are under strict instructions, in case I ever get stuck in the elevator, to tell the rescue workers that the woman trapped inside is twelve months pregnant, most likely with the Messiah. First or Second coming, in deference to the rescuer’s beliefs. I want special treatment. I want recognition of my panic.

It’s unfortunate that I am so scared of elevators because I both live and work in high rise buildings and since I need a lot of nourishment throughout the day, I have to go up and down a lot. Yes, I considered using the stairs, but I am also lazy and not insane, so I quickly dismissed that option. (Although remind me to tell you about the time that the elevator in my apartment building was out of service and I ran down to the store for some necessaries and then forgot that the elevator was out of service and bought a watermelon the size of a post term baby elephant. Oh. I guess I told you that story. But I can tell it again, with flourish. Just say the word!)

I am an elevator bitch in the sense that as soon as I get on one, my normally sunny personality gets transformed. I just want to get the hell off, I don’t want to get stuck, I’m busy holding my breath so that my exhaling doesn’t disturb the elevator maintenance. I don’t want to make small talk, I don’t want to overhear small talk and I sure as shit don’t want to overhear anyone’s cell phone conversation, especially if it consists of, “yeah, I’m in the elevator. I may lose service. You still on? Wow, really? Still? I was sure the sure there would be no service. HELLO? Oh, I thought I lost you. Anyway, yeah, no, I’m still in the elevator, can’t believe I still haven’t lost you. Listen, hold on, omesay itchbay isway ivinggay emay away irtyday ooklay.” Seriously? If you need to maintain contact with someone telephonically while you’re in the elevator, start Googling “life, how to get one”.

I also confess to being the type of person to do the fake “I’m pressing the DOOR OPEN button” move when someone is running for a departing elevator. It’s true, more often than not, I’m pounding on the DOOR CLOSE button at that very moment, while saying “open, doors, open!” But I never understood why people dash for the elevator as though it is their one and only chance at happiness.

And the thing that makes me the most insane? If you are a woman in the elevator with three men, watch as they let you off first in the show of chivalry, but then hang back a little and watch them do the whole “no, after you” dance to each other, which I am convinced they do to parade their masculinity. Like whoever gets off last is the most masculine. Take that sentence as you will.

So, yeah, you don’t want me around in case of an emergency. Although I suppose it’s fortunate that in case of emergency, we know to avoid elevators.


Wednesday Wonderings.

by Marinka on July 30, 2008

Am I the only one who thought that the umbilical cord connected the baby’s belly button to the mother’s belly button? Apparently, it does not.

Why do veterinarians put the pet’s name in quotes? Like “Mavis”. As though Mavis wasn’t really her name and we all just agreed to call her that as some inside joke?

Has any conversation, in the history of humankind, improved when someone says “Wow, you really have PMS!”

Does anyone know anyone named Dolores? Because I suspect that the name is extinct.

Let me know if there is anything that you’ve been wondering. Or if you have answers to my questions.


The Citizen of the Month Great Interview Experiment

July 30, 2008

Recently, I participated in The Citizen of the Month The Great Interview Experiment., and was interviewed by Jack. Check it out! And let Jack know your favorite question/answer! Thanks, Jack, for not asking me for the recipe for Coke or anything like that. Because that would have been awkward!

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(Limited) Words Wednesday

July 30, 2008

So apparently I’m carrying a camera around is so that I can take photographs of garbage. This should come handy in my future career in dumpster diving. I have no idea where this two seater came from or who positioned it there, but when I saw it, I immediately recognized it as a fine place […]

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Available for Bar Mitzvahs and Weddings

July 29, 2008

My husband and I have no musical talent, so our kids are trying to redeem the family name by taking piano lessons. My daughter has finally graduated to something classical, and she’s been working on Jesu, Joy of Man’s Desiring which sounds vaguely homoerotic and also is “Jesu” Jesus’ nickname or something? Because it seems […]

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Allow Me

July 28, 2008

So the current parenting wisdom is that we should give our kids an allowance to teach them financial planning. Since I am still teaching my kids to chew with their mouths closed and thoroughness in butt-wiping, it seems like this is kind of advanced, but I’m willing to play along. Here’s the premise: You give […]

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Soul Mates

July 26, 2008

Me: Guess what? There are like five people who read my blog almost every day! My blog is really taking off! Husband: That’s great. I hope that it does take off. Me: Why? Husband: Because it’s an inexpensive way to keep you amused. Because before I started blogging, I was all polo ponies this and […]

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I am a 7 Year Old Boy

July 26, 2008

Yesterday morning I went to Dunkin’ Donuts. It’s not important why I went. Anyway, the man in front of me was ordering and said “I want a large number 2.” Now, I knew that you could Order by the Numbers at Dunkin’ Donuts, but still I could not stop laughing. Number 2! and a Large […]

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