From the monthly archives:

May 2009

Message from the Universe. And Pixar.

by Marinka on May 31, 2009

Warning! This blog post contains some minor spoilers for the Pixar movie UP. If you do not want to be spoiled, please leave now and come back after your 11th birthday. Hopefully by that point I’m going to be able to stop rolling my eyes.

I am not a very spiritual person. I believe in live and let live, believe what you believe, make it count because it’ll all be over too soon. But sometimes even I have to sit up and listen to the message that the universe is trying to send me. And the message this weekend was loud and clear: You are an asshole. Stop talking.

I decided to devote the weekend to being a super involved mom. You know, the kind that does shit with her kids nonstop. I remember someone saying “the kids aren’t going to remember your cleaning, but they will remember the fun things that you do with them” and it made sense for about a minute, before I realized that whoever said that probably had a cleaning lady. Because I’m thinking that if the kids are tripping over dust balls and people in Hazmat suits are coming to remove them from the premises, they’ll remember.

But whatever. Husbandrinka was away for the weekend, so it was me and the kids. And because apparently two kids aren’t enough, I invited a few more and took them to see “UP” on Sunday afternoon. In 3D.

Here’s something I forgot to mention: I don’t like kid movies. I don’t enjoy them. They are emotionally manipulative. I must be some kind of a psychic because I know what’s going to happen in each one. And I don’t understand why the movies have to be at such earsplitting volume. I’m guessing that it is to resuscitate me after I went to get a bottle of water and found out that it cost $4.25. They really should sell some Astroglide at the concession stand for smoother and more satisfying sodomy results.

So, I’m watching this movie and give me a fucking break, Pixar. We have to deal with a miscarriage in the first ten minutes? I mean, they’re children. Why not have a few rape/torture scenes too, while you’re at it, you know, to build momentum? But ok, whatever, I’m watching and then we meet our boy hero, Russell. And I see that Russell has Down Syndrome which I think is pretty groundbreaking of Pixar and I love that idea. And as I’m sitting there, I tell one of the kids with me, “see that boy, he is very special. He was born with some challenges, but look at how brave he is!” and my mini-charge fully appreciates my wisdom and says “what challenges?” “Well,” I launch into differently able and everyone is special speech and then I tell him that he has Down Syndrome, which he has had since birth and then I stop talking because some weirdo in front of me turns around and while looking at me through her 3-D glasses says something that sounds like “shush”. Seriously? It’s a kid movie, not a seance. If you expect silence, you are an moron. Besides, I was dispensing wisdom and shaping young minds.

So, then the movie mercifully comes to an end, and I realize that the review in the New York Times that I read did not have a reference to the boy having Down Syndrome and I’m all like ‘the fucking Times. How politically correct do we have to be? If we don’t mention difference, how can we celebrate it?” I rush home and start googling “Pixar’s Up” & Down’s Syndrome and I’m not getting any hits, but maybe Google was tired or something, so I go on Twitter and I ask casually if the boy had Down Syndrome, and Maria laughs her ass off and tells me that no, he is Asian. Which I really don’t think he was. And I’m sure there’s a “UP” and “Down (Syndrome)” symbolism that is in the movie and Pixar will probably turn the company over to the first person who realizes that. Which would be me.

And now I have tell this kid not to tell anyone what I said about the special boy, because he is nothing special.

None of this would have happened if I stayed home and cleaned, like women are supposed to, in the first place.


Things I Would Say if I Were a Porn Star

by Marinka on May 30, 2009

1. Yum! Who brought the whipped cream and the bananas?

2. Deep WHAT?

3. Excuse me, but this penis seems to be made out of black rubber.

4. No, thanks. I’m a little chilly, I think I’ll keep these on.

5. Ok, this part here says that he comes to fix my sink and then suddenly, I’m on my knees? Are there some pages missing in between? Am I impressed that he fixed the sink really well?

6. Oh, this music is so beautiful! Beethoven?

7. That is so not what “Magna Cum Laude” means.

8. OMG, I’ve played this game on message boards before and my porn name is “Barbie Broadway!”

9. What? No, I’m not here for the MIH(ave)N(o)D(esire)T(o)F casting.

10. Hey, after work, let’s all get together and read “Ulysses”!


It’s So Hard to Find a Good Cult These Days

May 28, 2009

Last night, John and I were on the phone, telling each other how bored we are. Husbandrinka is away until Sunday. Everything on TV sucks. John’s DVD player is not working, despite his having had it repaired twice. We have nothing to look forward to. I suggested that we try to become religious. You know, […]

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Internet Safety

May 28, 2009

I’ve been teaching my daughter about internet safety. So far, it’s not going well. Mostly because I want to impart that everyone online is an insane pervert (except you, of course, although you should probably get your hand out of your pants) but I don’t want to scare her. So you can see what I’m […]

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Mad Kid Negotiating Skillz

May 27, 2009

My step son is staying with us for two weeks and then he is moving in at the end of the summer to start school in NYC. I adore that kid. I was super anxious before he arrived because I was worried that he’d look at me and say, “I HATE YOU!” and then become […]

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Family Secrets

May 26, 2009

When I was a kid and my parents had heated words, my mother would sometimes tell my father “you know, she’s listening to everything and one day, she’s going to write a book about it, is that what you want?” and I’d wipe the drool off my chin and think, “yeah, a book of boredom, […]

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Quality Time

May 25, 2009

My father told me once that if he could have one person killed, it would be whoever invented the term “the golden years”. Apparently, he feels that it is a gross misrepresentation of what growing old actually is and he’d like to blood avenge it. Since making hit lists appears to be our family pastime, […]

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Summer Reading

May 23, 2009

Memorial Day is the unofficial start of summer, which means it’s time to make your Summer Reading List. What? You don’t have a summer reading list?! Then it’s a really good thing that I am here to tell you what to do. Here’s my list, broken up in EZ to read categories. 1. The book […]

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