From the monthly archives:

September 2009

Dear Susan

by Marinka on September 30, 2009

You are one of my closest and bestest friends, you are my daughter’s godmother and I love you. Despite the fact that for the past twenty years that I’ve known you, you’ve looked like a fucking supermodel and refused to show signs of aging.

But I am concerned that you don’t love me.

This morning I emailed you asking you for midtown restaurant recommendations, because I am having dinner tonight with some Mouthy Housewives. Your response? “Let me get back to you later this morning, after pilates! xo”. Pilates? Nice.

If you cared for me at all, you would have responded, “let me get back to you later this morning, after I finish eating a muffin the size of Nicki’s head.”

Just an FYI.

Thanks in advance.

Love, Marinka


Make Your Bed

by Marinka on September 29, 2009

So the other day, I was daydreaming about Husbandrinka’s demise and wondering about the men that I would start dating after an appropriate waiting period. Would I get a boy toy and become a cougar? Or would I hook up with a geriatric kazillionaire? It’s hard to say, because who knows which way the winds of love will blow. And besides, I’m in mourning.

But then I started to seethe and fume because I knew that no matter who I became involved with, we’d have the same problem that I’ve had with every person that I’ve ever shared a bed with.

The top sheet.

Because the world is divided into two types of people–the sane, who prefer the top sheet not tucked in underneath the mattress, and the insane, who like to recreate the feeling of being restrained in an asylum and want the top sheet tucked in so that their feet are trapped and don’t get any oxygen. (There’s also a third type of person, ones who like rye bread, but I can’t even get into that level of emotional instability.)

And I seem to attract the people who like being trapped in the sheet.
It took me years to get Husbandrinka to see the error of his ways.
“It’s cozy,” he may have argued. (“May have” because who the hell can remember? The insane sheet ramblings of many all merge into one huge ball of nonsense.)

“Cozy?!” I shrieked. “Your feet need to move around at night and be free! They need to breathe!”

“Feet breathe?”

“Of course feet breathe! Otherwise they die.” I was becoming a little less confident as I went along, but I didn’t want to lose momentum. “Like those women in China.”

“That’s foot binding,” suddenly he became a historian.

“Yes, but that’s how it starts. They make little girls sleep with the top sheet tucked under the mattress and then they get used to less mobility. It’s a slippery slope.”

Thank goodness I had history on my side.
But I’m not sure that I have the energy to go through the whole magila with a new partner.


Street Rules

September 27, 2009

My 11 year old daughter told me that she wanted to walk to school and to her friends’ houses by herself and I said, “absolutely, just as soon as I’m dead” which she thought was totally unfair, but I reassured her that we live in NYC in a middle of a terrorist threat epidemic and […]

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Models Get Paid For It

September 25, 2009

Beloved gay friend John is back from vacation, and I feel like my oxygen tank has been refilled. I get home and have many funny stories to share with my family, courtesy of John and they drink it up because it’s been very Gedrosian in his absence. “So then, John hung out with this woman […]

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September 23, 2009

My kids say things every once in a while that I jot down and think that it would make a great blog post. Like when my daughter, after sunbathing at the beach one day this summer told me, “If you need me, I’ll be in the Atlantic!” and my son, who recently confessed, “It will […]

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A Call From Mama

September 22, 2009

Scene: Marinka is home, sick in bed with a rare combination of swine flu and brain fever. She just read an email from Wendi, who expressed sadness about Marinka’s illness: I just want to tell you in complete sincerity, that should your situation become dire and you need donated blood platelets or a kidney, don’t […]

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September 22, 2009

If there’s anything that I love more than problem-solving products, it’s expensive problem-solving products. I’m not one to complain, but for years now, I’ve been positively exhausted by having to stand on the corner of a busy NYC street, lifting up my arm and saying “TAXI!” when I want to hail a cab. Sure, sometimes […]

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September 21, 2009

For about twenty seconds, pre-Husbandrinka and I considered writing our own vows and then we were like, “eh, let’s just use the traditional ones because they seem to cover everything and besides, we’re busy and lazy”. Over the years, I’ve started to see the errors of our ways. Don’t get me wrong, traditional vows are […]

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