From the monthly archives:

July 2014

Not Your Mother’s Vagina

by Marinka on July 31, 2014

I do not have a bucket list. Really, I don’t. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t have goals. Lofty, admirable goals. And one of those goals is to figure out which fucking Always pads to buy once and for all. Preferably before the onset of menopause. I’m racing against the clock here, people. Mona Lisa Vito had it easy in comparison. And I suspect there’s no Oscar in my future.

The other day I went to my local Rite Aid to buy some Always pads. (Btw, if I ever do make a bucket list, DO NOT EVER GO TO RITE AID AND STAND ON THEIR BREADLINE-INSPIRED-LINE will be at the tippy top with stars all around it. And not D-list, either.) Despite my inability to pick out the right pad, I am loyal to Always. It’s like their brand name hypnotized me into thinking that I must ALWAYS buy it. And it reminds me of this masterpiece, so how can I resist?

It always ends badly. I don’t understand the feminine hygiene product code-speak. It’s overnight and heavy and heavy with chance of thunder and light ultra light and phantom. If I were in charge, I’d label the pads “stuck pig” and “CSI” and “paper cut”. Because everyone knows what that means.

But I’m not in charge, which is why the other day I bought a package that read “ultra thin”, which I assumed (incorrectly, it turns out) referred to body type. Confusingly the label also read “JUMBO” but I guessed (erroneously, what are the chances?) that it was a nod to the savvy consumer who wanted to get more maxi pad bang for her buck.

When I opened the pad, I knew I was in trouble. Mostly because it seemed like a scarf.

“Come here,” I called to my daughter because I absolutely refuse to suffer alone and in silence. Really, I have no idea how martyrs do it.

“Whoa!” she said. “What is that?”

“This is a maxi pad,” I explained. I’m really good at this “teaching moment” bullshit.

“Who is it for?” She was confused. And a little scared.

“Well, that’s sort of what I was wondering,” I confessed. “Who would wear this? This is not your mother’s vagina.”

“Let’s take a picture!” she suggested.

“That’s a great idea,” I applauded her initiative. “But let’s photograph it next to something, so people can see the scale! Like maybe a dime? What do you think?”

“How about a ruler?” she suggested. She’s so mathy.

And we did.


And then we got more scared.

“It’s over a foot long,” she said.

“There are Subway sandwiches smaller than that pad,” she said.

Which is an excellent point. Maybe Subway should consider a feminine hygiene product line.


Modern Love, or Something Like It

by Marinka on July 19, 2014

Me: Did you get that link I sent you? The one with the movie writeup?

Him: Yes. That movie sounds unbearably dull.

Me: ALright, I’ll just go by myself then.

Him: No, I’d like to see it with you.

Me: ?

Him: You greatly underestimate how much I love the idea of spending three hours with you when you are completely silent.

Me: …

* * *

I’m trying to think of a comeback. According to the actuarial tables, I still have a few years, but it’s not looking good so far.

On the bright side, I’m looking forward to seeing an actual grownup movie in the theatre for the first time in ages. I love the talkies!


Hard to Say

July 4, 2014

I haven’t made my final summer vacation plans with the kids yet, and while that would throw most people into a panic, in my case it’s probably for the best. Because lately I’ve been thinking that maybe I should just go and be in the World Cup. This is certainly a surprising turn of events […]

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July 2, 2014

I know I’ve been updating less than usual for a while and it’s taking its toll on me too. Obviously the fact that I decided not to write about my divorce is a factor (although please rest assured, it’s all very boring and amicable, no War of the Roses here. Not even War of the […]

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