Not Your Mother’s Vagina

by Marinka on July 31, 2014

I do not have a bucket list. Really, I don’t. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t have goals. Lofty, admirable goals. And one of those goals is to figure out which fucking Always pads to buy once and for all. Preferably before the onset of menopause. I’m racing against the clock here, people. Mona Lisa Vito had it easy in comparison. And I suspect there’s no Oscar in my future.

The other day I went to my local Rite Aid to buy some Always pads. (Btw, if I ever do make a bucket list, DO NOT EVER GO TO RITE AID AND STAND ON THEIR BREADLINE-INSPIRED-LINE will be at the tippy top with stars all around it. And not D-list, either.) Despite my inability to pick out the right pad, I am loyal to Always. It’s like their brand name hypnotized me into thinking that I must ALWAYS buy it. And it reminds me of this masterpiece, so how can I resist?

It always ends badly. I don’t understand the feminine hygiene product code-speak. It’s overnight and heavy and heavy with chance of thunder and light ultra light and phantom. If I were in charge, I’d label the pads “stuck pig” and “CSI” and “paper cut”. Because everyone knows what that means.

But I’m not in charge, which is why the other day I bought a package that read “ultra thin”, which I assumed (incorrectly, it turns out) referred to body type. Confusingly the label also read “JUMBO” but I guessed (erroneously, what are the chances?) that it was a nod to the savvy consumer who wanted to get more maxi pad bang for her buck.

When I opened the pad, I knew I was in trouble. Mostly because it seemed like a scarf.

“Come here,” I called to my daughter because I absolutely refuse to suffer alone and in silence. Really, I have no idea how martyrs do it.

“Whoa!” she said. “What is that?”

“This is a maxi pad,” I explained. I’m really good at this “teaching moment” bullshit.

“Who is it for?” She was confused. And a little scared.

“Well, that’s sort of what I was wondering,” I confessed. “Who would wear this? This is not your mother’s vagina.”

“Let’s take a picture!” she suggested.

“That’s a great idea,” I applauded her initiative. “But let’s photograph it next to something, so people can see the scale! Like maybe a dime? What do you think?”

“How about a ruler?” she suggested. She’s so mathy.

And we did.

photo 36 225x300 Not Your Mothers Vagina

And then we got more scared.

“It’s over a foot long,” she said.

“There are Subway sandwiches smaller than that pad,” she said.

Which is an excellent point. Maybe Subway should consider a feminine hygiene product line.

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{ 23 comments… read them below or add one }

barbara sigelbaum
Twitter:
July 31, 2014 at 9:23 am

A few comments:

you had me at the title
your daughter must do interior eye rolls
no one else could make me laugh re feminine pads.

   2 likes

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Kath July 31, 2014 at 10:47 am

Absolutely hysterical!

   1 likes

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Laurie July 31, 2014 at 11:13 am

That is the stuck pig pad. The one that won’t let anything leak anywhere, ever.

Good stuff.

   8 likes

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anna whiston-donaldson July 31, 2014 at 11:32 am

Wow. That’s some serious protection.

   2 likes

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Darcy Perdu (So Then Stories) July 31, 2014 at 1:20 pm

Hilarious! Favorite part: “ultra thin”, which I assumed (incorrectly, it turns out) referred to body type HA!

   2 likes

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Stumbling Towards Perfect
Twitter:
July 31, 2014 at 1:45 pm

Is that like, for all week?

   1 likes

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Kim Bongiorno of Let Me Start By Saying
Twitter:
July 31, 2014 at 1:47 pm

I figured if they go from my naval, down, under my junk, and all the way to the top of my butt crack there’s no WAY there could ever be an accident…right?
Always Eternal: For the Never-Ending Flow

   1 likes

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awesome dude July 31, 2014 at 2:05 pm

Ukrainian and Russian solders use these as a first aid implements as we are writing.
They even ask to donate them along with the canned food and the medications.

   2 likes

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Cy
Twitter:
July 31, 2014 at 2:33 pm

Yeah. There’s gonna come a time for that. But! After that time, everything will be great!

   1 likes

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K-Line July 31, 2014 at 9:29 pm

Lord, this is HILARIOUS. And I’m racing the clock too. I ALWAYS buy the wrong ones – probably because I buy the drug store generic brand to save 2 bucks.

   2 likes

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Tinne from Tantrums and Tomatoes August 1, 2014 at 7:49 am

Oh my… talk about taking it to the Max…

   3 likes

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Liz @ ewmcguire August 1, 2014 at 8:08 am

“She’s so mathy.” Hahahaha!

   2 likes

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Peajaye
Twitter:
August 1, 2014 at 8:40 am

Maybe it doubles as an adult diaper?
(Related: when I entered my name to sign onto your comments, Autocorrect tried to change my name from “Peajaye” to “Leakage”)

   8 likes

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deb quinn
Twitter:
August 1, 2014 at 10:22 am

Because actually it’s always always about me, your post makes me realize that if a person is a period-type person, and she only has sons, she will never be able to share this sort of bonding-in-horror moment with her offspring. All I can say about that pad is it must have a lot of ground to cover, so to speak.

   1 likes

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Mama bird diaries
Twitter:
August 1, 2014 at 11:19 am

I am dying. You and your daughter should co-write a blog.

   2 likes

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Steph August 1, 2014 at 1:50 pm

I agree that the world needs a Marinka/daughter blog!

   1 likes

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susan weinstein August 1, 2014 at 3:12 pm

A great mother/daughter moment. This is one you can’t share with a son.

   2 likes

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Tina August 1, 2014 at 5:53 pm

Two teenage daughters with a good sense of humor and a lot of sarcasm, means a lot of these moments. Makes parenting a little easier.

   0 likes

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Wendi August 4, 2014 at 10:00 am

Do the Ukraine soldiers use the ones with wings? Seems like a smart military strategy. Ask AwesomeDude, please.

   1 likes

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Lady Jennie August 5, 2014 at 2:13 am

Stuck pig, CSI and paper cut. You. Are. A. Genius!

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Kizz August 5, 2014 at 3:12 pm

That bread at Subway does seem super absorbent. The yeast infection factor is worrisome, though.

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Robin August 5, 2014 at 3:55 pm

I feel the same way in the feminine products aisle! How can there possibly be so many options? And why are there products for men in the same aisle? Can’t a lady try and decipher period language in peace? Sheesh!

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Kristin August 6, 2014 at 3:53 pm

I’m so glad someone had the courage to bring this issue to light (or “lite”). The problem of pad choice has gotten worse and worse over the years. It’s making me look forward to menopause.

   0 likes

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