How Fitting!

by Marinka on April 16, 2010

Lately I’ve been thinking that I must have suffered a series of mini-strokes because when people talk to me, I have no idea what they’re saying.

For example, last week I went for a complimentary bra fitting that I was sure was going to change my life.
I filled out a questionnaire that asked what my bra fitting goals were. Naturally I assumed that it was a trick question, since my bra fitting goals were to get a bra that fits, but I ticked off some other fine-sounding options like “lessening the appearance of back fat” and “ensuring world peace”.

So then I got to meet my bra fitting specialist and after the preliminary chit chat, which for some reason didn’t include her administering any anesthesia to me, she said:
“Okay, so I don’t measure you, but I will look at your size and shape and holistically select a bra for you.”

I have no idea what that meant.
“What does that mean?” I asked.
By the way, asking someone that you met five minutes ago questions while topless may be awkward, so I recommend wearing pasties to your bra fitting.
“It means that instead of measuring you, I will do a visual inspection.”

After the visual inspection, which seems to have lasted a decade or so, she excused herself to get me the bra of my dreams.

She came back with a few.

The first one I put on broke a few of my ribs and cut off all circulation to my extremities. (I’m assuming that breasts are extremities).
“It seems a little tight,” I chocked out.
“That’s it fits you well,” she adjusted lefty for me.
“But it seems tight,” I remember saying before passing out.
“It will get looser after a week or so,” she stood behind me and looked at me in the mirror. “The great thing about this bra is that it goes into your body and lengthens you.”
“What do you mean it goes into my body?” Because that sounded invasive and possibly anti-American.
“It folds into your body and that’s how you become proportionate.”

Does anyone know what that means?
Or why I thought that a bra fitting would be a good idea?

And she’s not the only one. Yesterday, I went for a hair color consultation with a new person. I’ve been trying to break up with my homosexual American colorist because he’s not getting me blonde enough, dammit.
So this one says to me, “Do you want to be more Ash blonde or warm blonder?”
What does that mean?
So I ask her and she says that “Ash” is cold and “warm” is warm.
Ok, in what hemisphere is ash cold?
Unless she’s thinking of Iceland with their recent volcanic eruption?
Which brings me to another question.
How come Iceland has a volcanic eruption and all anyone cares about is that British Airways has to fly around it or something? What about all those Icebergs, having to flee their homes?

One year ago ...

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{ 21 comments… read them below or add one }

Blognut
Twitter:
April 16, 2010 at 10:35 pm

I don’t know what it means, but I’m well certain that I don’t want my bra folding into my body.

Let me know what that means after your bra does it to you. Maybe get “before” and “after” pictures. Yes, I think that’s it. Pictures. But not bare pictures because that is a bit much. Make sure you wear the pasties or a t-shirt or something. Please.

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Country-Fried Mama
Twitter:
April 16, 2010 at 10:47 pm

I believe the American Idol contestants have agreed to hold a telethon to support the icebergs in their time of need.

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Andrea
Twitter:
April 16, 2010 at 11:26 pm

I think your bra fitting lady had some issues. I m in desperate need of a bra fitting, but haven’t gone for one yet. Perhaps I’ll have a better experience and can refer you somewhere … would you fly 500 miles for a decent bra? 😉

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Amber
Twitter:
April 16, 2010 at 11:36 pm

Yeah, I really want my bra to sit atop my skins surface, rather than folded within. Hmmmm, visual inspection. Wonder if she really worked there, or you just got punked? Teehee.

I want my bra specialist to be old and to be carrying measuring tape, thankyouverymuch!

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alexandra
Twitter:
April 17, 2010 at 12:19 am

This sounds just like what your dad warned you about, visual inspection my ass….

They got the greatest scam in the world going on…

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Noelle April 17, 2010 at 12:30 am

Your bra fitting experience? Reminds me of an episode of Friends, when Chandler when to Joey’s tailor and there was, um, cupping.

Just watch:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fANwTBK3Ylg

lol

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Catherine
Twitter:
April 17, 2010 at 12:54 am

It’s not you, it’s them! Just because they string a few random words together, doesn’t mean that have made an intelligible sentence. Last week, I had someone explain to me what a Board of Trustees actually *does,* and after she spoke for awhile I realized that I had understood nothing that she had said.
Oh, wait. Maybe I’m having mini-strokes too. Nevermind.

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anymommy April 17, 2010 at 1:11 am

Scary. Thank god I have no boobs and can avoid any visual examinations or cutting off of circulations and go braless.

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Monster Dude April 17, 2010 at 9:05 am

Breasts are definitely extremities….may be even extreme extremities…..
The fitter person should be a man with gigolo qualities like shiny black hair and pencil thin moustach.
Then it may work better and not sound anti-American.

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Marinka April 17, 2010 at 9:15 am

Papa–how can you comment on your own daughter’s BRA FITTING POST? Is nothing sacred?

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Monster Dude April 17, 2010 at 9:11 am

Breasts are definitely extremities….may be even extreme extremities…..
The fitter person should be a man with gigolo qualities like shiny black hair and pencil thin mustache.
Then it may work better and not sound anti-American.

Reply

Ann's Rants April 17, 2010 at 9:37 am

Next time I’m going to ask for a “holistic” pelvic exam.

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Sophie April 17, 2010 at 11:13 am

Right on!

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elenka April 17, 2010 at 9:38 am

Going braless has something to be said about it.
I love how you think.

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Elise April 17, 2010 at 6:04 pm

You should be writing for a sitcom or SNL or something – you are hysterical!

I love your blog and your sense of humor. 🙂

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Hally April 17, 2010 at 6:15 pm

Icebergs are fleeing, but not by airplanes. Like most others in Northern Europe, they need to stand in line for hours to get on a bus, train or hitchhike to get to a safe destination. Unless you’re John Cleese, then you spend a few thousand dollars getting from Norway to Brussel in a cab..

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Elisa
Twitter:
April 18, 2010 at 1:52 pm

Hmmmm…. this might be why your gay colorist is refusing to make you any blonder, Marinka 😉

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fuck yeah, motherhood!
Twitter:
April 18, 2010 at 8:48 pm

Hey! When I offered to stare at your boobs you politely declined! J’accuse!!

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Kate Coveny Hood
Twitter:
April 19, 2010 at 9:20 pm

The last time I had a bra fitting I was informed that I should be wearing two sizes smaller than I had been buying (not cup size – I have no illusions there…). I tried on something that gave me a horrific roll of back fat and I decided to meet her half way at the next size up. I still felt it was a tad more snug than I’d prefer. But I was afraid of her. Not sure what I thought she’d do…but still I caved.

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veryanniemary April 22, 2010 at 6:40 pm

I had a great fitting, except the bra she chose would have put a 90 year old to shame…talk about ‘bustenhalter’ but apparently that is the sort of scaffolding I need…

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Melissa
Twitter:
April 25, 2010 at 9:36 am

Your bra fitting involved someone staring at your breasts and then shoving you into a tight bra? Is there any possibility the bra fitter was a male in disguise?

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