Brace Yourself

by Marinka on July 25, 2011

Earlier this year I made some back of the envelope calculations and realized that we needed to make financial cutbacks. It’s almost like I foresaw this whole debt ceiling fiasco.  So I thought about it for a while, looked around my family, and decided that we’d do away with Nicki’s annual visits to the vet.  What? Did you think that I should do away with my children’s food or perhaps my flutes of champagne?  I’m not animal.

But Nicki is, which means she loses.

Anyway.

It took a few months for my daughter to catch on.  All winter she protested on the grounds that healthcare is important.  Great.  Thank you, Komrade Obama for brainwashing children.  But I was all “eh, she’s an indoor cat, she’ll be fine.” And we enjoyed the $150 savings for another month.

And then in the spring notes began to appear by my computer.

MAKE AN APPOINTMENT FOR NICKI! they read. DO YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO BELLA’S DOG?

Which is totally rude, because Jacob wasn’t a dog, he was Bella’s friend.

Oh.

So my daughter explained to me that Bella’s dog was fine and then it was NoLongerAlive.  And I’m like “what does that have to do with Nicki?”  And she was like, “EVERYTHING!”  So, match point, dear daughter. You ran circles around me logically with that one.

Except she wasn’t done.  Because as her 13th birthday approached, she intensified her efforts.

By telling me that all she really wanted for her birthday was for Nicki to have a check up and maybe a vaccination, if it wasn’t too much to ask.

I was totally Kool & The Gang with that because I knew that as soon as she saw the new Abercrombie & Fitch shorts I’d gotten her, she’d forget who the hell Nicki was.

But no.  She had to tell everyone she knew about her Very Special Birthday Wish.

And you know what suckers people are.

They’re all “aww!” and “What a sweet girl!” with an undercurrent of what kind of monster is Marinka, anyway?

So I had to be defensive and murmur “you know, the economy, fucking Michele Bachmann” and even though no one knew what that meant, they started to look less judgmental and more scared.

Just the way I like it.

I’m not sure what the tipping point was for me, but finally I was all fuck it, let’s lift the debt ceiling and take her in. To be euthanized.  Oh, calm down, I mean check up.

Unfortunately I couldn’t take her in myself because I had a bon bon tasting event to attend, but Mama and my daughter did.

I called Mama to give her explicit instructions.

“Just the basic check up,” I warned. “Nothing fancy.”

“What fancy?”

“Like no blood work. I don’t need her cholesterol checked.”

“Ok.” Mama agreed.  Although I could tell that she was worried about Nicki’s triglycerides.

They took Nicki in.

And it’s a good thing that they did.

Because Nicki gained three quarters of a pound.

Like the idiot that I am, I didn’t at first realized the severity of the situation.

 

Fuck this, I'm going to do the 30 day shed.

Because Mama explained to me that for an 8 lb. cat gaining nearly a pound is like someone “your size, Marinka, gaining 80 pounds.”

I can’t even figure out the math on that one to know how offended I should feel.

But Nicki is super offended, because she’s off the Fancy Feast and on some Science Diet.

Also known as a hunger strike.

 

 

 

One year ago ...

0saves
If you enjoyed this post, please consider leaving a comment or subscribing to the RSS feed.
If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!

{ 22 comments… read them below or add one }

Halala Mama
Twitter:
July 25, 2011 at 4:50 pm

The weight math you would need to do is the same math I would need to do to figure out the offense I should take when my husband dragged home a free magazine for “women over forty.”

Reply

Penbleth
Twitter:
July 25, 2011 at 4:53 pm

Really, there is very little way to defeat BOTH your daughter and your mother. That’s a pretty strong tag team in anyone’s language. Toss a cat in to the mix, worse one who is awfully offended at being termed “fatty” and all is lost.

Reply

Anthony from CharismaticKid
Twitter:
July 25, 2011 at 7:34 pm

“They’re all “aww!” and “What a sweet girl!” with an undercurrent of what kind of monster is Marinka, anyway?”

Hahahahhah!!! Will you be my friend? I have something planned for us.

Reply

No Ordinary Momma July 25, 2011 at 7:49 pm

Try removing Nicki’s collar…that’s probably 1/2 a pound right there.

Reply

QuartCourt July 25, 2011 at 7:52 pm

“Just the way I like it.”

Reply

MommyTime
Twitter:
July 25, 2011 at 7:56 pm

Just don’t let her look at any photos of Kate or Pippa’s pets. I’ll bet they look really svelte in their designer collars. Nicki might get a complex — or even catorexia. You’re welcome.

Reply

anna see July 25, 2011 at 8:38 pm

i was with you on this one, marinka! what’s next, a bone density test for nicki?

Reply

Peajaye
Twitter:
July 25, 2011 at 8:58 pm

WTF, Marinka, TightwadhoodInNYC.com, next thing you know you’ll be telling us that you’ve cut off Nicki’s monthly spa visits.

Reply

tracy
Twitter:
July 25, 2011 at 10:22 pm

We still get handmedowns on those shorts, yes?

Reply

the mama bird diaries
Twitter:
July 25, 2011 at 10:24 pm

Could you have saved the $150 bucks and just put her on a scale?

Reply

Alexandra
Twitter:
July 26, 2011 at 1:30 am

Oh, sputtercoughlaugh: “No offense, Marinka, but that’d be like 80 lbs.”

Reply

Zina July 26, 2011 at 2:55 am

I hate to admit that this is the first time I’m tempted to solve a story problem.

Reply

From Belgium July 26, 2011 at 9:02 am

Ehrm, she is not pregnant is she…

Reply

dusty earth mother July 26, 2011 at 10:33 am

Until someone makes the international sign for pregnancy near Nikki’s stomach, I say forget the pricey vet.

Reply

Kristine
Twitter:
July 26, 2011 at 10:42 am

I hope for her next birthday she decides to forgo her presents so that I can get one.

Reply

Alena July 26, 2011 at 2:03 pm

Marinka, why Science Diet if you don’t mind my asking? I heard bad things about it. I think Wellness or Blue Buffalo are much better brands (and altogether, I read that wet food is much healthier for cats then dry food). We give our cat a combo of Wellness wet food (he eats a large can per day) and Blue Buffalo dry food (a handful once or twice a week) and skip vet check ups with the exception of rabies vaccination. Feeding him premium food saves us money on doctors visits. Just a thought.

Reply

Becky
Twitter:
July 26, 2011 at 3:29 pm

Food called “Science Diet” is enough to make *me* want to go on a sympathy hunger strike.

Reply

My Inner Chick
Twitter:
July 26, 2011 at 4:48 pm

This was FABulous!
“bon bon tasting” Classic.

Reply

Miss Britt
Twitter:
July 27, 2011 at 10:47 am

We fed our cat generic cat food to save money – and then our vet told us it would give her urinary tract infections.

SAY NO TO THE VET!

Reply

Jessica July 27, 2011 at 2:25 pm

This post reminded me why my toddlers are SO much easier than my teenager… “because Mommy said” still works for them.

Reply

Stephanie Smirnov
Twitter:
July 29, 2011 at 7:24 pm

Marinka, so free with the potty mouth lately. I approve.

Reply

Champ
Twitter:
August 16, 2011 at 1:25 pm

I was so cnfusoed about what to buy, but this makes it understandable.

Reply

Leave a Comment

Previous post:

Next post: