The Birthday List

by Marinka on July 25, 2012

Of all the problems that I have in this world, none of them has to do with being married to a man who when asked what he would like for his birthday says, “nothing” or “I don’t know, surprise me” or something else vague and unhelpful and maddening.

No, not my Husbandrinka. When I asked my Husbandrinka what he would like for his rapidly approaching birthday, he said, “a camera and a chainsaw.”

A camera and a chainsaw.

Obviously he was stuck on the “C” section of the Amazon website.

But the weird about someone you live with telling you he that he wants a chainsaw is that as soon as he says it, you can’t stop picturing yourself getting dismembered. And let me just say that I’m not one of those people who’s really comfortable with dismemberment. Don’t judge me. Dismemberment and French manicures are real turn offs for me.

“Why do you want a chainsaw?” I asked, knowing full well that a heart wants what a heart wants. And he told me some nonsense about some trees falling near the lake house and how those trees must be chainsawed. I assume this is his first stab at an alibi and he’s working on a better one. Plus, how great would it be if I charged the chainsaw to my credit card, so he could sit in the Today Show couch and reassure Matt that the chainsaw was my idea, and he has the receipt to prove it. Who knows why Marinka wanted a chainsaw, he’d shrug. Who knows what women want, Matt. I just wish that I’d realized that she was into self-dismemberment before it was too late.? Matt would nod, not unsympathetically and Husbandrinka would go from Suspect Number One to Grieving Widower/Possible Silent Sufferer of Marinka’s Insanity for Years. Twitter would fill up with Tweets about how Poor Widowerinka and how although Marinka’s dismemberment was indeed tragic, he is certainly not to blame for what a crazy woman did and he should probably have a brand new girlfriend, preferably one who doesn’t resort to Spanx (oh, yeah, that post is coming) and doesn’t have a fetish for chainsaws.

So, I’m going for the camera from his birthday list.

It’s nice to have a choice.

One year ago ...

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{ 22 comments… read them below or add one }

Tinne from Tantrums and Tomatoes July 25, 2012 at 7:18 am

We have a very strict ‘no murder tools’-gift policy in our family. We enforced it after tension rose a bit high during a Christmas party.

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tracy@sellabitmum
Twitter:
July 25, 2012 at 7:24 am

Next time he’ll want a chipper-shredder. Fargo part deux. Yeah, go with the camera.

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suburbancorrespondent
Twitter:
July 25, 2012 at 8:25 am

It’s not often one finds the excuse to use the word “self-dismemberment” in a blog post. I tip my hat to a master.

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Anna Lefler
Twitter:
July 25, 2012 at 9:24 am

Okay, it’s one thing if you live in Wyoming and your dude wants a chainsaw.

But Manhattan? Yeah, that pretty much screams dismemberment.

Heads up.

XOXO

A.

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MommyTime
Twitter:
July 25, 2012 at 9:44 am

Not to rain on your parade, but I think it’s kind of weirdly great that someone who lives in New York City wants a chainsaw. It feels a little like me asking for one of those FastPass things that auto-get you through turnpike toll booths; or new spurs and a lasso; or some kind of impossibly tight black dress to wear clubbing (do they even call it that any more?) for my birthday. Exotic. Out of my normal element.

On the other hand, I could totally use the dress to lure someone to my lair, and then use the lasso to tie the person up, the spurs to do damage, and the FastPass to get away quick.

Wow. I see what you mean. Camera is safer.

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Alexandra July 25, 2012 at 10:26 am

Wise choice.

One doesn’t arrive at our ripe old age by being a dummy.

Asking for a chainsaw in New York?

I don’t want to ask what for.

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Marta
Twitter:
July 25, 2012 at 10:29 am

Lol. You know what that would make a great Today show segment. Are you sure you want to deny the world that experience? Perhaps reconsider the chainsaw.

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anymommy July 25, 2012 at 11:26 am

Matt has three chainsaws. I’m never going to look at him the same way again. If he starts to dig a spiderhole, I’m moving the kids to Manhattan with you.

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Jodi July 25, 2012 at 11:38 am

I can picture your attorney rifling through your things and coming across this blog post and totally using it against Husbandrinka though. So, good thing you wrote it.

p.s. the second best thing to your blog posts is all the awesomely funny commenters!!

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Mom of A and a July 25, 2012 at 3:04 pm

I second that!

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Mom of A and a July 25, 2012 at 3:05 pm

Eeps! He want to dismember you and THEN photograph the results!!!

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deb July 25, 2012 at 12:14 pm

my husband asked for a chainsaw years ago. i got it for him because i knew he’d never figure out how to use it. i was right. while he’s preoccupied with that, I continue to live on, with all of my members.

and i’m with jodi – love your blog, but also your funny commenters.

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Corporate Wife
Twitter:
July 25, 2012 at 12:34 pm

No big deal. Guys just like manly things for gifts. They go for presents that scream testosterone. Just like you might prefer a more feminine gift–like an ice pick or a bottle of arsenic.

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the mama bird diaries
Twitter:
July 25, 2012 at 12:59 pm

Nice move. I know very few people who have been killed by a Nikon digital SLR camera.

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Loukia July 25, 2012 at 4:55 pm

You must have a lot of trees in your backyard! Oh… wait… yeah. I’d go with the camera, too.

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Deb July 25, 2012 at 5:46 pm

*Laugh*

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Jen Anderson
Twitter:
July 25, 2012 at 6:08 pm

Seriously? If it’s just a few trees, he can rent a chainsaw. Owning one is totally suspicious. If you own an electric knife, I suggest hiding it.

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HeliMom July 25, 2012 at 8:00 pm

Camera, great choice.

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Jannie July 25, 2012 at 8:10 pm

I got a chainsaw, and it scares me to death. I’ve never used it, and forget why I desperately needed it in the first place. Probably couldn’t find any shoes to buy that day! Get him both, and see which one gets the bigger reaction.

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love and lunchmeat July 26, 2012 at 2:27 pm

Yikes. I’ve seen American Psycho, and I don’t care how ripped Christian Bale’s abs are. That chainsaw scene is horrifying.

A camera is a lovely gift, however, and can be shared without being creepy.

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dusty earth mother July 26, 2012 at 10:42 pm

“Widowerinka”. hahahahahahahaha

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Cy
Twitter:
July 29, 2012 at 3:50 pm

I believe there was some mention of a lake house, folks. Presumably with trees included.

That’s the part that annoyed me!

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